Air For Sale

by Farkel 21 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Farkel

    You gotta love the Watchtower Printing Corporation. They sell air and they make a bloody fortune doing it! They have 6,000,000 people running around selling air and many of them feel “blessed” that they can sell “air” and make the leaders of the Watchtower Printing Corporation tons of money by doing it!

    Other religions have the nerve to actually offer tangible benefits like hospitals, hospices, food, clothing, shelter, substance-abuse programs, marriage counseling, abortion counseling and disaster-relief. But not the mighty Watchtower Printing Corporation. They have come up with a program that involves the selling of air and nothing more. They invented the concept of “Vapor Ware” over 100 years ago and they are still going strong. The WTS offers the flimsiest of intangibles and people actually buy into it. Everything in WatchtowerWorld™ is intangible. Nothing is real. Jesus returned, but he returned invisibly. Jesus is now firmly entrenched as the King of this planet, but he’s ruling invisibly. Satan was cast down to this earth to rampage against humanity, but it all happened and is happening invisibly. The Watchtower Corporation was “chosen” as the Faithful and Discreet Slave CLASS™. Invisibly. There is a cosmic battle in the Universe for supremacy between the two greatest forces in the history of everything. It’s all invisible.

    In addition, the WTS has taken the world “spiritual” and turned it into an art form. The whole religion revolves around the word “spiritual.” “Spiritual” is a great word for a religion like the WTS. It means whatever you want it to mean. You can’t see it. You can’t touch it. You can’t feel it. Most importantly, you really can’t even specifically define it! The word and the concept of “spiritual” is the greatest intangible of all, yet that same word is the fuel that keeps the Watchtower’s printing mills grinding decade-after-decade. People are “spiritually mature” or “spiritually strong” or “spiritually weak.” Dubs don’t just receive doctrine, they receive “spiritual food at the proper time.” (They never receive “spiritual food” at the “improper time.”) When they get a lot of doctrine, it is a “spiritual feast.” When they try to understand goofy and incomprehensible doctrine, it is “spiritually deep.” God doesn’t speak to dub leaders, but he “spirit-directs” them. People are either “spiritually awake” or “spiritually asleep.” Then there’s “spiritually clean,” “spiritually unclean,” “spiritual bondage,” “spiritual freedom,” “spiritual captivity.” There must be dozens more. It kind of reminds me of Bubba Blue in the movie Forrest Gump where he mentions all the ways to cook shrimp. Although even good ol’ Bubba didn’t have as many ways to cook shrimp as the WTS has to “cook” the word “spiritual.” Everything in WatchtowerLand™ is “spiritual.” In other words, nothing is real.

    And finally, dubs don’t just live on this planet like the rest of us mere mortals. No! They live in a “spiritual paradise.” What the bleep is a “spiritual paradise,” anyway? I don’t have a clue, and neither do they, but they love that term. It makes them feel good. They can’t explain exactly why the term “spiritual paradise” makes them feel good, but it still makes them feel good. In the dub’s “spiritual paradise” there are still all of the normal human problems: sickness, death, adultery, fornication, drug and alcohol abuse, crime, greed, obesity, jealously, gossip, money problems, suicide and murder to name but a few. Then of course, there’s also a pedophile’s “spiritual paradise” in dubland. Even so, it is still a “spiritual paradise.” That kind of vivid imagery makes all the REAL problems go away, huh? Sure it does.

    So, being the curious person that I am, I was interested in finding out what the WTS had to say about their “spiritual paradise.” I found over 500 references to this phrase. Obviously, the WTS likes that term. The WTS likes any type of non sequitur that rallies the troops and makes them feel like they are in an organization that is worthwhile, even if the organization offers nothing worthwhile except “air.”

    The first reference I could find was in a review of that incredibly boring “Divine Will” 1958 Assembly in New York where fully half of the dubs attending nearly died from heat prostration during those long, LONG 8 days of totally boring drivel. If any of you have actually heard Nathan Knorr speak at an assembly, I offer my sincerest condolences and hope you’ve fully recovered from the coma he was so famous for inducing. Anyway, the first mention of “spiritual paradise” I could find was in this Watchtower magazine:

    *** w58 10/1 590 Divine Will International Assembly of Jehovah's Witnesses ***
    Thursday afternoon the conventioners waited with intense interest to hear Brother Knorr speak on “Maintaining Our Spiritual Paradise.” Knorr told the vast audience of 145,488 persons that when the holy spirit was poured out on Christ’s disciples at Pentecost, making them spiritual sons of God, “a spiritual paradise had then been established.” But this paradise did not continue after the death of the apostles. Knorr pointed out that after their death “Satan the Devil brought about the loss of the Christians’ spiritual paradise.”

    It was from 1919 onward that spiritual paradise was restored, when Jehovah’s witnesses were freed from Babylonish captivity and began bringing forth the fruits of the spirit. They must maintain this spiritual paradise.

    (I made a note to give them a “G” on “repetition for emphasis.”)

    I would suspect that the only “intense interest” was not about any “spiritual paradise” but upon the anticipation for the closing prayer that day. Also note that the term “spiritual paradise” was not defined, but was left up to the imagination of the listeners. Knorr was selling “air” that made people feel good, even though they couldn’t explain exactly why it made them feel good.

    Here we have some comments about a “Watchman Class™” whose main sin is not wanting to sell Watchtower books. You bad Watchman Class. Bad, BAD Watchman Class™:

    *** w58 12/15 758 The Crucial Time for Staying Awake ***
    Only in name has he been a Christian, having a mere form of godly devotion but really proving false to its power. (2 Tim. 3:5) He is unfaithful, lazy, loving ease, careless, not taking his duties seriously in a theocratic spirit. He does not prize the things of Jehovah God and try to preserve them and keep them clean. He is not watching out for the increase of the earthly interests of God’s kingdom or for preserving and expanding the spiritual paradise of Jehovah’s faithful witnesses on earth.

    How does one “expand” this “spiritual paradise?” By selling Watchtower books, obviously. Truly this increases the “earthly interests” of God’s Kingdom. Yeah, right.

    *** w97 1/15 31 Enoch-Fearless Against All Odds ***
    How was Enoch given a “witness that he had pleased God well”? What evidence did he have? Likely, God put Enoch into a trance, even as the apostle Paul was “caught away,” or transferred, evidently receiving a vision of the future spiritual paradise of the Christian congregation.

    Of all the visions God could have given Enoch, he had to choose to give Enoch a vision of modern-day dubland. One has to wonder why God didn’t give Enoch a vision of the up-coming DateLine program.

    *** w97 3/1 12 Are You Ready for Jehovah's Day? ***
    That gave Noah and his family just enough time to get all the animal kinds into the ark and enter it themselves before the Flood began. We do not need to know the day and hour for the start of this system’s destruction; survival of animals is not entrusted to us, and prospective human survivors are already entering the symbolic ark, the spiritual paradise of God’s people.

    Here, the dub spiritual paradise is described as a “symbolic ark.” Put another way, we have a “symbolic ark” symbolizing a “symbolic paradise.” It’s all symbolic (air) and very “spiritually deep,” symbolically speaking, of course.

    *** w97 3/1 14 Are You Ready for Jehovah's Day? ***
    With preservation into the new world before us, let us be zealous ‘preachers of righteousness.’ What a privilege it is to serve God in these last days! And what a joy it is to direct people to the present-day “ark,” the spiritual paradise enjoyed by God’s people! May the millions now in it remain faithful, spiritually awake, and ready for the great day of Jehovah.

    Anyone have a clue what “spiritually awake” means? (Hint: SELL BOOKS!)

    *** w97 6/1 16 A Secret Christians Dare Not Keep! ***
    It is true that the openness with which Jehovah’s Witnesses preach, the spiritual paradise they enjoy, and their prosperity—both in human resources and material assets—do not go unnoticed. While attracting honesthearted ones, these factors may repel opposers. (2 Corinthians 2:14-17) In fact, this may eventually serve to lure Satan’s forces into attacking God’s people.

    Note to window-washer dubs: you are prosperious materially, and don’t you forget it. Not only that, but all the non window-washing Babylonish whores are repelled by it. Especially those people stupid enough to actually go get college degrees. In fact, Satan is going to have them MESS YOU UP because Satan doesn’t like prosperous window-washers, either.

    *** w97 6/1 17 A Secret Christians Dare Not Keep! ***
    The message of Jehovah’s established Kingdom and of the spiritual paradise enjoyed by God’s people is a “sacred secret” simply too grand to keep.

    It’s so much of a secret that even dubs don’t know it. That’s why the WTS has to keep reminding them about it.

    *** w97 7/1 8 "Jehovah Will Not Forsake His People" ***
    IN FULFILLMENT of Bible prophecy, Jehovah’s worshipers dwell in a spiritual paradise. (2 Corinthians 12:1-4)

    DO DUBS EVER LOOK UP SCRIPTURE CITATIONS IN THEIR RAGS? If they did, they would see just how often the society uses bogus quotations to attempt to justify their bulldust. It is a great leap of imagination to tie the words of 2 Cor. 12:-14 with dubs dwelling in a “spiritual paradise.” Here is what those cited verses actually say:

    12 I have to boast. It is not beneficial; but I shall pass on to supernatural visions and revelations of [the] Lord. 2 I know a man in union with Christ who, fourteen years ago—whether in the body I do not know, or out of the body I do not know; God knows—was caught away as such to the third heaven. 3 Yes, I know such a man—whether in the body or apart from the body, I do not know, God knows— 4 that he was caught away into paradise and heard unutterable words which it is not lawful for a man to speak.

    The only part of those verses that actually apply to dubs is that they speak “unutterable words” which should be unlawful. Especially the words “Spiritual Paradise™.”

    *** w96 1/15 5 They Assembled as Joyful Praisers ***
    The above theme of the convention’s first day was based on Psalm 149:1, 2. The discourse “We Have Reason to Cry Out for Joy” examined the application of the prophecy in Isaiah chapter 35. It had a fulfillment in ancient Israel and especially in our day with the restoration of worshipers of Jehovah to prosperity and health in a spiritual paradise. Thus, the conventioners had reason to cry out for joy over what God has purposed for his people in a spiritual paradise and in the forthcoming physical Paradise so near at hand.

    Since the WTS has been wrong about a real, tangible, physical paradise so many times, all they can offer in the meantime is a spiritual paradise. In other words, all they offer is air of the “hot” variety.

    *** w96 2/15 14 Joyful Now and Forever ***
    Thus this same prophecy in Isa chapter 35 finds a distinct fulfillment in our time, with the restoration of the remnant of spiritual Israel to prosperity and health in a spiritual paradise. At Hebrews 12:12, Paul applied Isaiah 35:3 in a figurative sense, bearing out the validity of our making a spiritual application of this portion of Isaiah’s prophecy.

    8 In the post-war period, the remaining anointed ones of spiritual Israel came out of captivity, as it were. Jehovah God used Jesus Christ, the Greater Cyrus, to liberate them. Thus, this remnant could do a rebuilding work, comparable to the work of the remnant of ancient Jews, who went back to their land to rebuild the literal temple in Jerusalem. Furthermore, these spiritual Israelites in modern times could set about cultivating and producing a verdant spiritual paradise, a figurative garden of Eden.

    Talk about air! Here we have a “spiritual” Israel living in a “spiritual” paradise which is a “figurative” garden Eden. It’s all so, well, “spiritual!”

    *** w96 2/15 16 Joyful Now and Forever ***
    Since their release from spiritual captivity, the anointed remnant, now accompanied by millions of the other sheep, have moved out of Babylon the Great on a figurative highway, a clean way of holiness that leads one into a spiritual paradise

    Has anyone but me noticed that those folks who spend the most time talking about spirituality are the least-spiritual folks of all?

    *** w96 2/15 16 Joyful Now and Forever ***
    Is it not clear that we have found what is rightly called a spiritual paradise? No, it is not perfect—not yet. But it truly is a paradise, for here we can already, as stated in Isa 35 verse 2, “see the glory of Jehovah, the splendor of our God.”

    It’s not only “not perfect,” it absolutely sucks.

    *** w96 3/1 14 "May Your Hands Not Drop Down" ***
    Jehovah has fed them spiritually in abundance, and they dwell without fear in a spiritual paradise.—Zephaniah 3:16, 17.

    Bullshit. Dubs live in constant fear of just about everything: armageddon, the CO, the Elders, demons, apostates, and the world and everything in it.

    *** w96 8/15 7 Practical Lessons From the Promised Land ***
    The splendor that was characteristic of the hills of Carmel reminds us of the spiritual beauty Jehovah has bestowed upon his modern-day organization of worshipers. (Isaiah 35:1, 2) Jehovah’s Witnesses truly live in a spiritual paradise,...

    Add “spiritual beauty” to your list of “spiritual” dub expressions.

    *** w96 12/1 30 "Remember the Days Gone By"-Why? ***
    As we rejoice in the many aspects of our worldwide spiritual paradise, may we never forget that it rests on certain building blocks

    Yes it does, and they’re all made of sand.

    *** w96 12/1 31 "Remember the Days Gone By"-Why? ***
    And meditating on our God-blessed spiritual paradise engenders the becoming qualities of modesty and gratitude. Truly, “remember the days gone by.”

    Yes, keep meditating about that “spiritual paradise,” and if you do it long enough, you might actually believe it exists.

    *** w92 4/15 11 Citizen or Foreigner, God Welcomes You! ***
    This evidenced that God’s people were released from captivity to Babylon the Great, the worldwide empire of false religion. His people went forth to build up and occupy a spiritual paradise religious printing empire.

    Sorry, folks. I just couldn’t resist!

    Well, I have about 480 quotations yet to go, but I think you get the picture. Although a great salesman can sell refrigerators to the Eskimos, it takes a bleeping GENIUS who can make a fortune by selling mere air to millions. And it takes an EINSTEIN who can also con those same millions into selling that same air to other millions in several hundred countries and have them believe they face getting slaughtered by an invisible God if they don’t. Now THAT is truly remarkable!

    What the WTS has done is taken a fanciful expression and turned it into a feel-good expression that has no real meaning, yet it makes dubs feel better than anyone not of their sort. It is mass-marketing at its finest.

    My hat is off to the mighty Watchtower Printing Corporation for its devilish cleverness. I offer my “spiritual” sympathies to those “spiritually” foolish enough to get sucked in to all of that “spiritual” shit, though.


  • battman

    Dear Spiritual one,

    Before i buy some of that spiritual air I wanna noe
    does it come in different scents (or cents). I heard
    it waz suppose to be free. So wots up wid selling
    this stuff. Could I make a tax free donation instead.

    Go Farkel, go.. you be da man LOL


  • Satanus

    That will go in the fifth book of the farkgod bible, chapters 5 to 15. Amen! Pass the ammo.


  • mpatrick

    Enjoy your post as always!

  • cellomould

    Notice how the nincompoops never try to rebutt a thread like this?


    "You're crying 'why am I the victim?' when the culprit is YOU" Stevie Wonder

  • Dutchie

    Farkel, that was so freaking funny! And so true.

  • Celia

    Farkel, you rock !
    JWs live miserable lives in their little spiritual paradise, waiting for the real paradise on earth that they've been promised.
    One of the first thing that bothered me about the JWs who came to my door,was that they always were waiting for Armageddon to fix all things, and I wondered why. Why wait so impatiently for such destruction ? Why don't they try to make life better here and now ?

  • outcast


    Brilliant as usual,

    Coming up for air.

  • Solace

    The W.T.S does take symbolic biblical verses and interprets them literally whenever it suits their own purpose. When it stops serving their purpose or when it comes back to haunt them, they change the interpretation and call it "new light" etc.
    Why cant more people see this?
    I feel like if I can figure it out, anyone could.
    I guess what I am most annoyed but most impressed with is the W.T.S. ability to convince so many people to devote their lives, give up having children and work for free writing, printing, distributing, recruting new members but give them nothing but false hope and promises in return.

  • NameWithheld

    Good stuffs as usual Farkel!

    <homer voice>Mmmmm tasty air ...</homer voice>

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