Molested? Forget it, "and think good thoug...

by Nemesis 10 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

  • Nemesis
    Nemesis

    Just forget you’ve been molested, its no big deal according to the Watchtower

    One woman who was having problems because she had been a victim of incest over many years went to the elders in the congregation to discuss her problem. “They told me to forget about it,” she reports. The well-intentioned reasoning behind that advice was doubtless that since the bad experiences were all in the past and nothing could be done about them now the best thing to do was to put them out of her mind and think good thoughts. . . . What if the victim reveals that she feels worthless because of the experience? A young woman who was abused by her grandfather, father and stepfather, says: “They [the counselors] could help her realize she is worth a lot. I used to feel different from my friends at school. I felt dirty compared with them. Then as a teenager I got into trouble a few times. But now I know that Jehovah does not hold this experience against me.” (Note they do not say who the abusers were, and all these victims are JWs, so are their parents and grandparent doing the abuse JWs also?). . . . However, they may tactfully point out the dangers of letting anger overwhelm a person. (Ephesians 4:26) They may help her to reason on this by gently asking questions such as, “Is your anger helping you or is it harming you? By letting anger affect you so much, are you still letting him influence your life? Do you really think he has got away with something? Is not Jehovah the Judge even of those who commit crimes in secret?”—Psalm 69:5; Luke 8:17; Romans 12:19. The Watchtower 1983, 1 October, pp. 28–30.(In other words they want you to forget about it and leave it to God it sort out!)

    Funny how what goes around comes around, see below:

    “Australian National Television recently broadcast a documentary entitled “The Ultimate Betrayal.” The program claimed that 15 percent of clergymen in Australia had committed sexual offenses, ranging from the molestation of children to the rape of women parishioners. Within hours of the television program, various centers set up to handle complaints of sexual assault were inundated with telephone calls from alleged victims. Many callers said they had kept their experience secret for many years. One woman said that she was speaking about her ordeal as a child for the first time in 40 years! Another said that after her clergyman had sexually abused her as a child, he threatened her with hellfire punishment if she dared to tell anyone. Spokesmen for various church groups disagreed with the 15-percent figure but did admit that the sexual misconduct of clergymen was a serious problem.”—Awake! 1992, 8 August, p. 28.

    All sounds very familiar doesn’t it. This next article is heavily hinting at forgiving the molesting parents, what also gets to me is that the victims are all JWs again, so what are the parents? We are not told, but I’m sure of most of us can have a good guess.

    Coming to Terms With Your Parents: This may prove to be one of the most difficult tasks of recovery. Some continue to be filled with anger, fantasies of revenge—or guilt. One abuse victim said: “I am depressed because I think Jehovah expects me to forgive my molester, and I can’t.” On the other hand, you may live in morbid fear of your abuser. Or you may have hostile feelings toward your mother if she closed her eyes to the abuse or reacted with denial or anger when abuse was revealed. “My mother told me that I’d have to make allowances for [my father],” recalls one woman bitterly. It is only natural to feel angry when one has suffered abuse. Nevertheless, the ties that bind families can be strong, and you may not want to cut off all contact with your parents. You may even be willing to consider a reconciliation. . . . Victims are sometimes inclined to forgive their parents outright. . . Preferring to avoid an emotional confrontation, some are content to ‘have their say in their heart’ and let matters rest.—Psalm 4:4. . . . For example, your father might acknowledge the abuse, expressing deep remorse. He may also have made sincere efforts to change, perhaps by getting treatment for alcohol addiction or by pursuing a study of the Bible. Your mother may likewise beg your forgiveness for her having failed to protect you. Sometimes a full reconciliation may result. . . . At the very least, though, you may be able to resume reasonable family dealings.—Awake! 1991, 8 October, pp. 10, 11

  • Celia
    Celia

    Great quotes Nemesis!

    For example, your father might acknowledge the abuse, expressing deep remorse. He may also have made sincere efforts to change, perhaps by getting treatment for alcohol addiction or by pursuing a study of the Bible.

    Here the WT writers are saying that abuse and child molestation only happened because the father was a drunk.... and what will a study of the Bible do to change him ?

  • outnfree
    outnfree

    This is the article that my "silentlamb buddy" -- a childhood victim of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse while her family was in the organization -- was advised to 'consider' when she, as an adult, went to the elders to describe [a portion of] the hell she had gone through at the hands of family members. Her father is [still] a member in good standing in the organization and though he was not her sexual molester, he didn't protect her and abused her emotionally and physically. She was finding it difficult to forgive him.

    My poor friend had not even described to me ALL the kinds of abuse she had suffered. She found it difficult to talk about, difficult to relive. She's built up that shell that survivors of abuse do, not letting too many get close, afraid to. And when the shell cracks a bit, she pulls back for fear that she will be unable to dam the flood of emotion that will get loose should she really open up. It is just heartbreaking.

    She was so crushed when all the elders offered her was this article about lack of forgiveness being damaging to HER. Once again, the victim was victimized, in my opinion. They would NOT lift a finger against him judicially, even to try to extract an apology
    from HIM.

    Yup! That's the Society's thinking on all this "Forgive and Forget".
    Sickening.

    Part of my wake-up call to the cult's callousness was her report to me of how the meeting had gone.

    outnfree

    It's what you learn after you know it all that counts -- John Wooden

  • morrisamb
    morrisamb

    Since I never read ANY religious material of any kind of any religion...since '84, thanks for your research.

    I remember reading articles on incest in the magazines in the early 80's though as my family was dealing with our private hell. I ALWAYS FELT LIKE I WAS READING an imaginary Leave It To Beaver episode: I couldn't relate in any way, but it sure looked wonderful. Ward was a loving father who's only game with his children involved basketball...now that was a fantasy for me.

    Unfortunately the reality was far different...so when I read these quotes below I flashed back to old feelings, the thoughtless things people said.

    "They may help her to reason on this by gently asking questions such as, “Is your anger helping you or is it harming you? By letting anger affect you so much, are you still letting him influence your life? Do you really think he has got away with something? Is not Jehovah the Judge even of those who commit crimes in secret?”—

    I heard that a thousand times. Before I even dealt with abuse on any level, I was told to not let my anger control my life. God will take care of it in the end. Oh yeah, unfortunately, my abuser went on to produce more children to abuse, married more wives to control, and now preaches from a born-again's mantle. Things that make you go hmmm...

    Nevertheless, the ties that bind families can be strong, and you may not want to cut off all contact with your parents. You may even be willing to consider a reconciliation. . . . Victims are sometimes inclined to forgive their parents outright. . . Preferring to avoid an emotional confrontation, some are content to ‘have their say in their heart’ and let matters rest.—Psalm 4:4. . . . For example, your father might acknowledge the abuse, expressing deep remorse. He may also have made sincere efforts to change, perhaps by getting treatment for alcohol addiction or by pursuing a study of the Bible. Your mother may likewise beg your forgiveness for her having failed to protect you. Sometimes a full reconciliation may result. . . . At the very least, though, you may be able to resume reasonable family dealings.—[

    This shows no insight into the situation whatsoever. Subliminally suggesting reconciliation? Alcohol addiction: the scapegoat of all scapegoats! Begging forgiveness? Molesters are the biggest actor/con artists going. But yeah, there's a succor born every minute.

    All of this just validates my belief that religion should get out of the crime solving business. Send the abuse situation to the police where it belongs (even though we know even that doesn't guarantee a perfect ending!). If the Elders report every case of suspected child abuse to agencies such as Children's Aid Society (Canada), are they not also protecting the congregation, the community, the world?

    It's time religion(S) get with the program. Abuse is a crime! Stop considering it just a sin!

  • SixofNine
    SixofNine
    or by pursuing a study of the Bible.

    Let's just hope he doesn't dwell on the story of Lot and his two daughters.

  • Jacinta
    Jacinta

    Forget about it???
    Do the elders ever think about what it feels like to know that the same people who molested you are in the same religion as you? I am not a JW but my mom is. She was at an assembly in Arizona. After the assembly started my mom said she felt someone looking at her. So she looked behind her to her left and guess who was there?? The couple who molested me for 5 years. You know, the ones on 'private reproof' that the elders let loose as though they did nothing wrong.
    Wonder if the elders ever think about that??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • morrisamb
    morrisamb

    Dear Jacinta, What a horrible thing for you to go through. People can be very extremely insensitive. After about the 1000nd time, you realize it's time to get out some armour to protect yourself because you are the most important person in this scenario. Others don't spend a second on your feelings after saying unkind remarks.
    I wouldn't stand in the same presence of my molestor no matter what and he has used his younger children as bait to try and re-establish a connection. The only time I've been in the same room as him in 20 years is the last time I saw him--in court!!
    I know people who've had coffee with my rapist over the years. Do I think it is insensitive and grossly inappropriate (an understatement) -- you got it. But unfortunately, that is the way it is and I can't control other peoples' behaviour. What I have absolute control over --and this is so important-- is my little world, my space. Survivors need to create a safe environment for themselves at whatever cost. For me, self-righteous 'christians' of whatever flavour, get out of my face...

  • safe4kids
    safe4kids

    Wow, what a blast from the past!!! And not a very good one either. I remember that article very well as it was one of the clubs my loving "brothers" used to keep me in line. Outnfree, I completely agree with you that it is victimizing the victim all over again. I was made to feel that my lack of forgiveness was somehow a moral and spiritual failing on my part. I tried to follow the advice of the elders and all it led to was another child being molested!

    Out, thank goodness your friend has you on her side. It's so hard to find the courage to talk about what happened and so often, when a victim finally does, they are met with disbelief and also distance from the people they trusted enough to share their story with.

    She's built up that shell that survivors of abuse do, not letting too many get close, afraid to. And when the shell cracks a bit, she pulls back for fear that she will be unable to dam the flood of emotion that will get loose should she really open up. It is just heartbreaking
    A very succinct summation, imo.

    For a JW survivor of abuse, what greater betrayal can there be when he/she finally goes to the elders for help, and is beaten with "spiritual" clubs? All in the name of "love"?? The lesson learned that it's dangerous to trust others is reaffirmed; the damage is significantly increased. The reality is that all too often there is no happy ending, the damage can last a lifetime.

    Dana (feeling the need to vent)

  • Xena
    Xena
    Nevertheless, the ties that bind families can be strong, and you may not want to cut off all contact with your parents

    So if they molest you but continue to go to the meetings and are in good "standing" in the cong. keep the contact....the ties are STRONG.

    Of course if your family never did anything to harm you...just quit going to the meetings....CUT THEM OFF for LIFE!!!!

    Yea makes a lot of sense to me....

  • morrisamb
    morrisamb

    Xena, good contrast! The reason I stopped believing was that I had stopped associating with my disf/disa survivor siblings because of my faith and when I fell from grace and was clearly needing a shrink instead of a spanking, the same thing was going to happen to me-- it opened my eyes to the humanity of my siblings. They were going through growing pains and not the evil they were made out to be. It was a painful, yet humbling experience.
    So my shipwreck of faith did not happen as they would have people believe, because I was bitter about the way the Elders handled the abuse, or so that I could become a flamboyant fag and commit gross acts with others. It was simply because I realized these mere mortals know not of what they speak. They have no comprehension of the affects of sexual abuse. They are as human as the rest of us.

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