I have never been a JW. In fact, I've never set foot inside a KH. My parents began studying in the early 70s, before I was born. It stuck with my father, not so much with my mother. By the time I was born, my mother was done with it, and my father had been baptized.
He worried constantly about my life and that of my brother. I believe he though his actions would sanctify us all. I remember once, in grade school, he told my mother he was taking me and leaving, she would never see us again. After a fight, he left and I stayed.
Later on, he spent some time in mental institutions. Mostly for depression, one doctor thought he might be schizophrenic. When I was in junior high, his boss came to my mother's school, where she worked, and said Dad had locked himself in his truck, wouldn't come out. He quit his job shortly thereafter, gave his life savings, about $80,000 at the time (this was the mid 90s), to the WBTS, and began living in his truck, or with his parents whenever they would have him. He lived in a tent, on some public land, for three years. He once fasted for 40 days, didn't eat meat for years. He eventually found someone that let him live on their land, in an old trailer, in exchange for manual labor around the place. Since 1994, he has been pioneering full time, only he walks from house to house, and refuses to ride in cars.
My father is the smartest man I know. I'm not saying that facetiously; he holds degrees in poliical science and mechanical engineering, as well as a teaching certificate. To this day, he works physics problems in his spare time for fun.
I went to see him the other day. He caught me at a bad time. He preached to me, like he has my whole life. I was focused on work, hadn't been paying enough attention to my wife and kids. In short, I was focused on myself above all. He told me if I continue on the path I'm on, my children would certainly die.
I came home, terrified. I don't know why this time his words stuck. I've heard them for 30 years. I read Franz's books, scoured the internet. I found some relief. I know the WBTS is full of lies. But it has that well documented ring of truth. I picked up my bible and read.
I think I was looking for reassurance that I could go on living my life in the way that pleased me, without giving any thought to the one who created me. I didn't find that.
In the past three months, I've given more thoughts to things eternal than I have in a long time. I'm tired of living for myself. In brief moments of clarity, I grasp what it means to live for Christ Jesus; other thoughts seem to fade away. Work isn't as consuming, travel plans aren't as interesting. The plans I have to fill out my three score and ten pale in comparison to the love that someone who never met me has shown. That is the good news, and I see why people would want to share it.
But doubts remain. I love my father, and like all sons, I think I will always seek his approval. I know I'll never get it, but still...
The above is an incomprehensive account of my life as it relates to JWs, pecked away on a keyboard late at night in a matter of minutes. There are many more facets and details. I don't know exactly why I'm posting; I never have before. I don't have any particular questions, I don't know if I'm even seeking feed back. I just know this is something I want to say, and this community, at its best, seems like the place to say it.
Thank you for listening.