Have your moral values changed drastically?

voltaire

I'm currently separated from my wife. I told the elders that it ain't the truth and they told me to shape up or ship out (that's the VERY short version) My wife's loyal to the org. and I don't want to be an apostate in my own home. So, here I am living in another state, which is beginnig to present some problems.

I find myself very vulnerable emotionally and very needy. I haven't had sex in 3 months. And it's really not just about the sex, it would be sooooo nice just to hug someone, to talk. Of course, fat chance on having someone over for a couple of hugs and a little conversation without it leading to sex!

I've talked to several women, told them my situation. I've been mulling over the possibilities. I have to say that I'm floored at the potential for a moderately attractive man in his 30's for having sex! I was pretty much raised a witness, so I never realized there was so much going on behind the scenes. Two co-workers, who are pretty average, maybe a little below average, have pretty active social lives going.

But I still feel that sex outside of marriage isn't a good idea, even if I'm no longer sure about the morality of it all. I'm not sure what to think about God at this point, but there are obviously good practical reasons for holding to a traditional view of sexual morality. On the other hand , I'm sooooo lonely. I feel myself slipping. I would like to get married again someday and have a family, it would be nice to say to my wife that I'm a moral, respectable man. And I think about what I would want to be able to tell my children...did I mention how lonely I feel?

I'd be curious to know if anyone else has faced this, especially if you gave in and how you feel about it now. Don't take too long if your aim is to shore up my resolve, I'm thinking about calling someone tomorrow, and Friday and Saturday, too!

Danielson

I'm currently on a streak of abstaining from self-gratification for the whole month, so far so good. Maybe that's inspiring, or something.

SYN

Hehe, people who let their religions interfere with their biology are just insane, if you ask me!

"If men were like their personal ads, they wouldn't need personal ads."

Billygoat

(((voltaire)))

There's a hug for ya! I know it's not the same, but I totally understand where you're at.

When I left I was 19 and had NOBODY in my life. Starting off completely alone was incredibly scary and yet exhilarating at the same time. I made the mistake of thinking that sex meant love. So I went off in a quest to find "love". Unfortunately, in my case, that wasn't the truth and I proceeded to devalue myself very quickly. That mixed with the pain of being DFed made me prime fodder for many therapists.

About two years ago I broke up with a steady boyfriend (whom I'd been sleeping with) and decided I wasn't going to sleep with another guy until I got married. It was difficult and still IS difficult - especially since I'm now engaged to a man I've WANTED to sleep with, but haven't. Don't get me wrong - Neil and I haven't slept together because of our personal choices. NOT because our church looks down on it. Personally, we wanted to wait to "do" anything because we felt it would deepen our relationship at the proper time. We truthfully can say our relationship is built on friendship, mutual respect, and a foundation of our shared faiths. Sex isn't a part of it, although in a few months we'll be able to say our honeymoon was REALLY special! Until then self-gratification is always an options!

My two cents,

Andi

PS: Sorry honey for getting too personal here. I didn't think you'd mind.

SPAZnik

You said:

And it's really not just about the sex, it would be sooooo nice just to hug someone, to talk. Of course, fat chance on having someone over for a couple of hugs and a little conversation without it leading to sex!

So don't have 'em over. Go out.

Sounds like you need some friends
even more than you need to get laid.

Could this be plain old loneliness resulting from some drastic changes in your life? Have you tried spending time with friends? Going out with people from work for coffee or whatever?

"Emotional vulnerability and neediness" can be
part n' parcel to separation/divorce. Doesn't hafta mean
you are necessarily immoral.

To answer your subject title....

No. My moral values haven't changed drastically.
Except to say that jdub laws don't necessarily = my morals.
Well, ok, that in itself could be seen as pretty drastic. hehe

This doesn't mean i'm entirely amoral...
like you i'm still sorting some stuff out...for myself.
And that's a great feeling.

Mainly I have lost the guilt that used to burden
me down, over being with someone I love.

SPAZ

mustang

Your morals/values (or mine) have probably changed to be no worse than theirs (Elders through GB). That is especially the case when you consider the exercise of Theocratic Strategy ("lying is OK to those who don't need to know") by that crowd.

Mustang
Observing the Great Deceivers Class

voltaire

Thanks for the comments!

SYN- A little interference with biology might be a good thing from time to time, don't you agree? I'm still trying to figure what level of restraint makes sense for me. I do agree, though, that religions can burden a person with way too much guilt. We do have to live.

BillyGoat- Thanks for the hug! I admire your efforts to abstain until marriage. I don't want to feel cheapened or make any women feel less about themselves, so it is a bit of a tug of war going on in my heart and uh... you know where! I don't mind the personal comments, I appreciate adults being able to talk frankly about sex.

SPAZnik-I do have plenty of friends, we do things together, so that's not a problem. The problem is that if they're women, I invariably start to get a crush on them after a very short while. Coffee is nice, but the need for intimacy is a strong impulse.

Thanks again to everyone, I would welcome more comments, especially if you've been there yourselves.

graceabounds

My morals and values changed more after I started studying with the witnesses. If there is one positive thing that I can say, it is that when I began to read the bible, I realized how important a relationship is. What I mean is....my morals changed for the better. I was involved with a boyfriend that I was not happy with...well, except maybe one area. However, that is a very empty existence.

Another example would a friend of mine.
Anyway...he has been candid with me about experiences that he has had with women since his divorce. He also told me about his feelings of loneliness(the biggest and worst feeling, if you have been married any length of time); I've had those feelings of loneliness, also. He had shared with me about women that he had been with(not in detail)but had told me how degraded it had made him feel afterward. That a couple of the women would leave in the middle of the night. You know...he said he would feel great...it boosted his confidence to take these women home. Then, later in the day he would be depressed, because he didn't want just the physical part of the relationship....he wanted the companionship.

I have come to the realization that, although it may chase away the lonely feelings for a little while, sex outside of a marriage is just sex. Ofcourse, I can only offer my opinion. And my opinion would be....to do something constructive with your time, or develop a hobby, hang out with your friends.....and heal for awhile.

I'm also "thirty-something", been divorced now for almost 3 years, and I am finally comfortable with myself. I also agree about waiting until I am married again to have another intimate relationship. Ofcourse there are the diseases that can be passed when having different partners, but my reason is that....I think that a person can only give themself so many times before they lose a part of their soul.

Don't let lonliness drive you to do something that you might regret afterward.

graceabounds

rmayer32

I wouldn't go for sex outside of the marriage unless you are legally separated, pending divorce. Then it wouldn't bother me one bit. However that viewpoint would freak out the common JW and their way of thinking.

-Rick

seedy3

The only thing that changed in my moral values is that I didn't find my desires wrong any more. I have no problems with having sex outside of my marrage, but in my case I always ask my wife if it is ok first........ wierd HUH? but I do. Although that is not for a huge part of the population, however, in the case of being seperated, If it is not ok with one spouse it is not ok. Also as far as waiting until papers are files I disagree, it should be a mind set as to what you and her want. If there is no chance you are going back to her and the org, then it matters not if you have a fling, but if you don't care if you get back together and are willing to tell the Kangaroo Kourt to kiss yer....... then, it again matters not.

Seedy

Have your moral values changed drastically?

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