Mail from my JW brother...

by Bruja-del-Sol 25 Replies latest members private

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  Gayle

  I am many years now out of JWdom. I have married a non-JW (non-religious) and seen how other 'family' has to do their 'hat dances' around each others religions. I now have extended family thru marriage, seeing how they deal with Catholic and fundamental family clashes. They are all really nice to me, they never try to get me into their religion as I lightly (and a little humor) turned the topic into my experience. They have learned to skirt 'religion' talk with the differing sides, but family is still family.

  I am reading and hearing how some JWs are still in a low key contact with former or ex-JWs family. The GB try to discourage it at all, but with time 'family' is the stronger tie to varying degrees. Especially, their later generations, bring in further freedoms and less control.

  Wouldn't sending a baby gift to your niece be a fair nice thing at this point? Send it thru your younger sister? Or, would your brother allow you to send it. If she has now her child's grandparents-not-law, but in 'blood' to contend with, and they too are DF'd, certainly she could consider, you her aunt to accept.?
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  Incognito

  As Oubliette suggested, if you can't talk about religion, neither should he. Why should he be able to dictate the rules of your relationship but you have no say? Although you wish to reestablish a relationship, it needs to be on terms which are mutually acceptable otherwise one (you) is always going to be 'giving in' to keep the peace. If you feel as though you're walking on egg shells and can't be yourself, what is the point of getting back together as it can't be a true brotherly relationship.

  I suggest laying the cards on the table and clearing the air as to your feelings including your love and acceptance for him as your brother and stating how you felt being cut off. As you and others have mentioned, he suddenly now finds having a restricted relationship with you OK based only upon advice from a common MAN instead of following the examples in the Bible as set by Jesus.

  As he is quick to state what you need to do to be accepted by him otherwise he will cut you off again, I think you need to also state what you deem to be acceptable or unacceptable to you.
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  steve2

  Incognito makes excellent points about reciprocal fairness. The reasons I think my relationship with my JW siblings (and their kids) works is because of mutual respect and love. I do not have to endure - even in passing - overtures to come back. They know I do not believe it is the truth but by explicit agreement, we don't go there for that would end the contact. It's bi-directional and as a family we have really good get togethers. Our JW parents, mother especially, were excellent role models on unconditional love znd respecting others beliefs.
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  jgnat

  It really helps to distinguish the cult personality from the authentic one. You can then take the stupid stuff that comes out of his mouth as the robot, not the man you remember. He probably recites this idiocy without thinking through the consequences....no brother! Circumstances have changed and he has given himself permission to be a little human. Go for it. But don't bother talking religion. Talk to the man inside. I also agree that he must abide by the same rule. No proselytizing, no urging to return.

  About guarding your emotions, decide how much, how quickly, and how often you return his advances. Don't send two e-mails to his one. Let trust rebuild slowly.

  From your posts, here are characteristics I would say are true to your brother's natural personality. Talk about those things.

  "We used to be so close, we were always making music together, singing harmonies, joking and laughing, visiting each other..."

  How about sending your own album mix for him to enjoy?
• 

  Crazyguy

  Send him the scripture 1 Corinthians 13:13 were it states love above all including faith. Have him think on that awhile.
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  Incognito

  Steve2: It sounds that even though you and your family do not hold the same views with regard to religion, you all respect each other’s right to hold those views. You agree to disagree and then move on to other matters and interests you do hold in common. This is healthy and is how most civilized families operate.

  With many JWs, the religion and its activities are first and foremost and are often the main focus of discussion. The WT has successfully infiltrated most JWs thought process to have them believe they have nothing in common with anyone other than other JWs so don't waste time associating with anyone, including family members that are not Witnesses.

  I believe the titles 'Brothers' and 'Sisters' are terms utilized by the WT to provide a subconscious replacement for the relatives who the JW has turned his/her back on. My MIL who when she first became a JW, told her 'fleshly' Sisters that she didn't need them any more as she now has new Sisters who she has more in common with. She has had little to do with her ‘fleshly’ sisters for almost 50 years now.

  Jgnat said It really helps to distinguish the cult personality from the authentic one. You can then take the stupid stuff that comes out of his mouth as the robot, not the man you remember.

  Although what you say may be generally true, there are many JWs who will fight tooth and nail to stay within the cult personality no matter the occasion. Thanks to WT programing, too many equate their behaviour with standing-up and being loyal to Jehovah’s requirements.

  While the random cultish statement can be tolerated by most people, it makes for a trying, unpleasant or intolerable visit if the JW continually spews garbage and treats others, especially us, disrespectfully or with contempt.
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  steve2

  Incognito, yes many JWs lack the awareness and willingness to be fair minded. Developmentally they behave like self-focused children, showing very little empathy and ability to mutually respect others' views. Believe me, if my siblings behaved like that, I'd have severed the ties well before they would have. I like that our JW parents were fair-minded folk despite their own born-in status. Thank God or whoever!
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  Bruja-del-Sol

  Thanks everybody, you've all given me a lot to chew on. Luckily he said in his own email that every now and then an email would be okay, but without talking of anything religious and he stated 'mutually of course' after that, so that's not a problem. He will definitely not try to proselytize, because he knows me well enough to know that I will give him the same in return to tell him what's wrong with the WTS and he doesn't want that.

  Incognito worded exactly what my issue is: "If you feel as though you're walking on egg shells and can't be yourself, what is the point of getting back together as it can't be a true brotherly relationship." At this moment I could ask him a thousand questions, but I'm not sure if I will dare to ask him even ten of 'em. It's really walking on egg shells and I don't know if I can live with that. But I think I'm willing to give it a try. It's been years since we've seen each other and he knows now that I live in Spain (for him less risk that I drive over to visit him in an impulse), so even if he wasn't a JW anymore, it would still take time to get closer to one another again. It's just that I'm not sure by what and when (or if) he'll draw the line and cut me off again. And there's really only one way to find out, and that's try it. Just take the damn risk and see how far we get.
  I'll just have to be careful, since he takes after my father, which is a stubborn *sshole who is easily offended (and thinks he's always right, even if you prove he's wrong), and I'm not sure if this is a genetic/family thing or a WTS-inheritance... On that account I think Jgnat's advice is helpful. I'll have to address his authentic self and keep looking for that part of him. And get him to think back to the wonderful times we used to have as brother and sister and how we always stood up for each other (growing up in a dysfunctional family we needed each other very much in the past, so there's a LOT that we've been through together). I used to be able to make him laugh a lot, so who knows, and maybe I can get him to record his voice and keyboard or guitar and add my voice and guitar to it, so we can have fun again in that way. I think that's the only way to approach this.

  But it'll take some effort of me to let go of the hurt he's caused me by cutting me off. And maybe I'll have to tell him that I'm cautious, because I don't want him to hurt me again by cutting me off again. If we start this, he'll have to know I'm not a toy to play with. But I guess he'll understand that, since we have a mother who does that all the time.... attract, repel, attract, repel... That's the only good thing of me being DF'd, that I'm free of ever having to meet that woman again. But that's another subject
  
  Anyway, thanks a lot for your input, all of you!
• 

  Bruja-del-Sol

  Today I've sent my reply, after long and hard thinking, having a migraine for two days and two nights of restless sleep all because of this.

  I've written what MY condition is for having contact again, which is "I want to build on our relationship. If it would be only sending updates like 'hey how are you, I'm fine' without any personal attachment, I could write the neighbour as well, for it would be useless to me". At the end of my email I've written about my memories how we grew up together, and how we were always there for each other. I've used descriptive language, so he'll see the pictures of the past in his mind's eye when he reads it... hopefully that's enough to bypass his cult-persona and reach his natural self.

  Now all I can do is wait for his reaction. At least I'm glad I've written my reply. I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions the last couple of days, from love, anger, fear to frustration and grief. I think I've never got to do this in all those years, so it's good that all of this is finally 'processed'. Time will tell whether it'll be a continuing story or if this is 'the end'...
• 

  jgnat

  Your sleepless nights took me back. I have a manipulative mother too, and she is safely far enough away that I don't have much to do with her. Recently her long-term partner died and she needed my help and for a while there I was worried I'd have to fly there to get it all sorted out. Sleepless nights.

  Luckily it all worked out and I was able to help her from a distance.