First post in years

by voodoo lady 16 Replies latest watchtower bible

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  voodoo lady

  Hi everyone.

  When I was last here, my mother had recently been diagnosed with cancer. There were potential issues regarding transfusion, none of which eventuated. She undertook a course of chemo which worked quickly and effectively, with minimal side-effects. She tolerated it beautifully and I was amazed as her condition improved without the harrowing toll that one expects chemo to inevitably take on a human body. She enjoyed several months of restoration to her former self, albeit thinner and wearing a wig. In that sliver of time she was truly happy. She was as capable as ever and believed she had recovered, as did I. Then pain suddenly overwhelmed her - it literally happened overnight, and she soon learned that cancer had metastasised into her bones, and she suffered a steady decline until her death in early 2011.

  I didn't handle it well. She and I were very close in spite of the JW devide. She remained devout throughout her illness and I have no doubt it comforted her, particularly the sentiments she shared with her JW friends during her last days. There were many exchanges of the phrase "the best is yet to come."

  Caring for her was physically and emotionally overwhelming. I became frazzled and harried and worried and think back on myself as being not at all the person I wanted to be for her. I missed opportunities to just sit quitely with her, instead of racing around worrying about what needed to be done, and worrying about things that were going on in my life. I wish I could have pressed pause on the rest of the world during that time, or had the forethought to understand that the most important thing was to be present with her in every available moment, and to make her feel loved.

  We never had a conversation that acknowledged she was dying. I regret it. I never told her that I'd be devastated to lose her and would miss her every day for the rest of my life. I never told her she was utterly irreplacable and that I'd truly feel alone in the world without her. Likewise, she never told me what she hoped might become of me after she was gone, and there was no final attempt to lure me back into the fold so she could see me in the alleged "New World." At one point during my grief I even had the audacity to feel angry about that. But more than anything, I've been angry with myself. I'm angry that I couldn't see the obvious. She was wasting away in front of my eyes and I didn't even realise she was dying. It must have been denial, if not absolute stupidity, but I couldn't conceive of the possibility that she would die. I couldn't see past the day-to-day.

  I'm angry with myself for having felt that part of my life as a struggle, rather than a beautiful chance to love someone properly. Hindsight, I know. But it still hurts.

  Thank you for reading.
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  Gypsy Sam

  I'm sorry for what you went through. You were doing what needed to be done and someone has to keep it together when taking care of an ill person.

  Until I saw a young mother die from cancer and the denial that we were all in during the end, I really never thought about how much we fight the inevitable (Death) to the detriment of the one dying.

  Over this past summer I read Mortality by Hitchens. I had not read anything by him and wasn't sure what to expect. I came away wishing I had read it before this mother I knew passed away. It helped me make peace with the guilt I felt over the way I handled things at the end, where what she wanted was people to accept what was happening and not be so upbeat and cheerful that she could beat terminal liver cancer.

  Now that I have an ill grandfather I really see a difference in how I'm handling things with him after read Mortality. It may not be your cup of tea, but it is a quick read and I found comfort in it :)
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  bsmart

  I'm glad you could share your pain with us. We do need reminders of our mortality and the need to slow down and take care of each other.

  Welcome back.
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  pontoon

  Just want to say from personal experience do not be hard on yourself. Cancer is so life changing it effects the emotions of the people that have it as well as ones close to that person. Feel good for your mom and self that you were with her. Tom, Hudson Valley NY
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  Etude

  voodoo lady

  While any such an incident is regrettable, specifically the condition that took your mother’s life, it is undeniable that you loved her and that you both enjoyed a close relationship. You may want to think in terms that perhaps neither of you asked the tough questions because you understood each other and there was no need; that she somehow knew how devastated you would be at her loss as you understand how hard her death has been for you. Don’t concentrate on what you didn’t say and instead think deeply about the good things you both shared. It’s not constructive to play the wouldof, shouldof, couldof game. Instead, bathe yourself in her good memories and feel her presence and influence in all you do.
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  Oubliette

  Voodoo Lady,

  You've gone through quite an ordeal.

  Grief is a process. Others can tell you what it was like for them, but no one can tell you how you should proceed. You must find your way through it by yourself and for yourself.

  Welcome back.

  Oubliette
• 

  RottenRiley

  Voodoo Lady,it's a struggle to deal with End of Life care, nobody prepared us as kids to be a professional caregiver or accept each of us will Die. Please don't beat yourself up over this. When Dad was dx'ed with cancer, almost all the family did the old "Exit Stage Left" leaving me and my sister to help Mum make his departure as smooth as possible. Nothing was smooth about dying, we all cried and made mistakes and thought it would be easier to let somone else do the care-giving. It's not easy seeing the people we thought would live forever and taught us courage to regress and slowly die before our eyes. You did the best you could with the set of circumstances you were given. We were lied to as children and never became prepared for the concept of death, I am very sorry and hope you don't beat yourself up because your are now second guessing how things might have been. Please kow you are in our prayers and well-thoughts, it's hard to watch someone die of that ugly disease, nobody is perfect, I am now muttering because I did the same things you are doing, second-guessing how we did "end of life" caregiving.

  Love and Good thought from all members of Jehovah's Witnesses.net
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  Band on the Run

  Maybe you were so close it did not have to be stated. I realize how political and social events influenced me. My college years were during the Viet Nam War. Traditions were being snuffed out. My mom's generation, the WWII generation, were not so open. I forced my mother to confront her mortality. My culture prized activity. Now I see that neither way is the best way. I bear guilt.

  I did tell her how grateful I was. We lived through rough times but we did it with grace. I think when a close parent dies, the adult child always feels more should have been done. Her mother was troublesome. She was very gruff, peasant like with a good heart. Her JW stuff could drive you berserk. When my mother wanted to terrorize us she would ask us how we would like to have our grandmother for our mother b/c she had. We stopped in our tracks and acknowledged it would be very rough. We laughed so hard. I could see the fear come over my siblings' faces. She taught us to respect everyone. Nevertheless, there were family jokes concerning my grandmother. We laughed, never performed. My JW cousins performed-making good-natured fun of her.

  I grew up hearing stories of my gm. My mom's grievances. When my grandmother died, the stories stopped. My mom then devoted the rest of her life to declaring how she did not have enough understanding of my gm. What a saint my gm was. My gm did this great awesome thing or accomplished wonderful deeds. It was so funny. I thought a sound track should play. Once she started, I knew I would listen to a few hours of my gm, the wonder woman.

  The truth was that my gm could be a devil and an angel. I just know how much easier she was to take when I was old enough to walk away from her. Of course, I was never so rude. Knowing I could, though, empowered me. My gm was a feminist at heart. The Truth was perfect. If I mentioned how I could not understand male headship, though, she admitted she had massive problems in that area.
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  smiddy

  I`m sorry for your pain and your loss

  Welcome back Voodoo Lady

  smiddy
• 

  abbagail

  You described your experience & emotions so perfectly & cogently, vdlady. I could relate in almost every single way as, for the first time ever, someone I thought would be the last to get a cancer Dx & die 5 months later but did, died about 11 months ago (she was only 58) & I'm not over it yet. Even though they lived cross country, there were emails I could have written vs. researching cancer furiously day in & day out looking for what could be the "answer," there were text msgs I should have zapped but didn't want to disturb her if she didn't feel well, etc. I was always "holding back" waiting for someone to give me the "green light" as to how she was doing, was she well enough to talk on the phone yet? etc. etc. I didn't think she was going to die! First time ever for me that somebody dying actually HURT LIKE H (emotionally), not to mention all the regret!

  She also had the "breakthrough pain" as you described your mother had which, as her hubbie described to me months later (& I almost wish he hadn't because it was very painful to hear), came on her suddenly, violently, & excruciatingly so that she was going out of her mind running around the bedroom, trying to grab the scissors to stab the pain, & then trying to jump out the 2nd-story-bedroom window just to stop the pain, screaming hysterically the whole time from the moment the breakthrough pain came upon her out of nowhere (it took about 20-30 minutes for the hospice nurse to show up & give a huge shot/dose of painkiller). She was dead two days later. :-(.....

  So I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. I can SO RELATE to your feelings of thinking I should have done this & that vs. this other & that other, etc. It hurts because there's just NO WAY to go BACK in time & do it "better." I sure learned a hard hard lesson though. I will NEVER wait for any "green lights" from anybody the next time around, should there be one. If I make a pest of myself, well, they can just tell me to buzz off, but at least I would have tried harder before it became too late.

  One idea that I hope to finish, & maybe this will be an idea for you, if it's up your alley. I started making a slideshow/video of her life using a fantastic older iphone app which makes it easy as pie. Then all H broke lose in other areas, other elderly relatives sick/surgery, iphone I was using to make the video went on the blink, etc. etc.) but I'm still working on hopefully finishing it before her Death Anniversary. Even if nobody likes it, I will like it, & what I did so far has really helped to get my mind off of regret by creating something new & beautiful all about her that will be permanent on a DVD or maybe the internet, that her kids can keep for their/her grandkids, etc. Just the process of choosing the beautiful music & the message & photos, etc. really helps. Maybe you might want to do something similar as a healing journey(?)

  Either way, I hope you feel better soon!