Depending how long you where a member or if you where a born in, the Watchtower leaves certain marks or traces in your mind that you only notice AFTER leaving them for good.
I think this is similar to a big river, with a high level of water that covers the hidden rocks and cliffs. Once you start lowering the water level, all these rocks come to the surface and suddenly that river is difficult to navigate.
Like that river, our minds are flooded with false hope for the future, a naive expectation to have Jehovah sort things out for you and lots of fake, conditional Love and warmth. All these things hide the fact that the same Organization also put some heavy rocks into your mind called FEAR and PASSIVITY. I am not in a mission to blame my Witness past for all things that went wrong in my Life, some things where good, some normal and some very particular to being a member in a high control group.
I don't know if you experienced the same as I have in terms of noting a higher degree of fear after you left the group. I am fearful to address problems, to face them "eye-to-eye" and as a result have lost business and personal relationships. I avoid problems like the plague, I become anxious and my problems become worse. The other day I sat down and started thinking why I am who I am and remembered a few things.
The Society instilled FEAR in me. Fear of governments, fear of persecution, fear to say something that Satan could overhear. I was 12 and very quiet. I learned that Satan could overhear your words and use them against you, but not your thoughts, so I wanted to trick him and speak as few words as possible. I refused to talk about my inner feelings to ANYBODY, kept everything to myself, swallowing like a good soldier for the Lord. Ridiculous, I know. My mother teached us that we have to endure cold, hunger and pain because we might get thrown into a concentration camp and tortured. I raised up in Germany and spent a good amount of time with the "old timers" to hear all these stories about the concentration camps, read about anything I could get my hands on and wanted to "be ready".
Now I left, but the structures of fear are still there. Operating, without reason, but still in place sabotaging my Life at every turn. I notice that fear creaping in, the anxiety that follows and have just no reason for that.
The same thing about PASSIVITY. Jehovahs Witnesses must be some of the most stubborn, passive people on earth. We had big problems as my father left my mother because he couldn't bear "the Truth" anymore. The financial hardships where met by Prayer and waiting on Jehovah. "No, you don't fix things by yourself! That is being proud and walking ahead of Jehovah." You WAIT. How many times did I hear to WAIT, WAIT,.....wait for some miraculous help that never came, wait for Armageddon, wait for this and that.
Just some FRIGGIN WAITING. Never taking action and fixing things. I hate that attitude in me.
I was soooo convinced that this is how God works that one day I left home without enough gas in my tank. I was a dirt poor regular pioneer and didn't had enough money to fill my car for field service. Nonetheless I left to a remote territory without money, without gas. That is the stuff that gets told in Circuit assemblies. I thought: God will help me. I ended up on a remote road, WITHOUT gas until night. Had to beg a stranger for some help to get my sorry ass back. Thought that God would send an angel down to Shell to fix my problem.
All that is still within me. I know it. I notice it EVERYDAY and sometimes don't know how to get rid of that mentality.
How is your experience? Is this just crazy me? Do you have any other traces of the cult in your mind? Would love to hear if this is a general problem or just me. Thank you for reading. Wanted to discuss this for a long time.