What if the GB hired you as the new CEO of Jehovah's Witnesses?

by kneehighmiah 24 Replies latest watchtower bible

  • kneehighmiah
    kneehighmiah

    I'm pretending the GB decided to hire a CEO to combat dwindling membership and overall apathy. Here is a list of the changes I would make to the organization if I were hired as CEO. Feel free to list your ideas (serious and humorous)!

    1. Get rid of 1914

    2. Get rid of 144,000 being literal.

    3. Get rid of judicial comitttees

    4. Anyone is free to leave the organization without shunning

    5. Shunning is a personal decision, and only to be aplied to unrepentant jerkoffs who are clearly wicked (i.e. serial adulterers, child molesters, repeat drunk drivers, thieves, liars.)

    6. Make blood tranfusions a personal decision

    7. Report all allegations of child molestation to authorities. Ban all convicted molesters from any positions or participation in FS.

    8. Make field service reports anonymous

    9. Make conventions fun. Instruction and entertainment. Performances of "Kingdom Songs" by good singers. Obviously new ones would need to be written. Incorporate the new songs into dramas and have bible musicals (for the artsy types). Conventions would also include group activities aimed at making new friends and improving morale. Counseling centers would be availabel with mental health professionals and spiritual counseling from qualified elders.

    10. Drop the vitriol aimed at those who pursue higher education.

    11. Elders are instructed to help spiritually sick ones with addictions or other problems instead of Df'ing them.

    12. Most importantly, create an NCAA Div. I university for JW's and win a national championship in football and basketball.

  • J. Hofer
    J. Hofer

    i'd file for bankruptcy.

  • pixel
    pixel

    Just folow Christ. And merge with the Mormons.

  • WTWizard
    WTWizard

    That would be the end of a lot of things. I would dump the LIE-ble officially, so I would no longer be bound to failing to follow it. The dress codes would be relaxed--and I would not want to see whole blocks of people with drab suits, starched white shirts with ties, and "sisters" with dresses of similar lengths. I would allow "sisters" to wear pants, even jeans, as they see fit (though cautioning them that sloppy dress such as pants halfway down are not only sloppy but could be unsafe). Jeans and regular shirts, so long as they are in decent condition (not unduly filthy), would be fine. That would eliminate dry cleaning bills. It would also eliminate sweat boxes when the temperature is around 35 C (or "sisters" wearing nylons when it is hot and muggy--I would recommend against it because they are uncomfortable). Shoes would need to be comfortable--not dress shoes, and no high heels that make walking difficult.

    Next to go would be reporting field circus. What good is it to report field circus if half the reports are fake? And, what good does it do to go in field circus when no one is home? I have been in field circus all morning without finding anyone home, as often as not because of poor organization as bad luck in the territory. The "You are going to die if you don't join us now" would have to go--it was wrong since 1872, it is wrong now. Also, I would quit judging people for associating with disfellowshipped or disassociated relatives--being disfellowshipped would only mean you lost your membership, not totally ruining your life. And I would reinstate anyone, automatically, if their "sin" is found to be something that was written with a view of enslaving mankind.

    That done, I would start teaching real spirituality. Do they know how to create real wealth? What would people think if suddenly this group came out of nowhere and got wealthy, without dishonesty, and started being an asset to mankind? I bet that would have more people joining than all the door to door work from 140 years ago. If people learn to use spirituality to heal properly, and to solve problems properly, I could probably get the numbers (the real numbers, not fake ones) past 7 million legitimately and go on to greater heights. And people would be less inclined to miss meetings if they learned how to do Jupiter squares, to use runes properly, and to genuinely meditate in an environment where they could be guided than if they have to refrain from doing anything that comes naturally.

    Yes, that means Christmas. Though most people think it originated with Jesus, it was originally a pagan holiday. The washtowel had that right--and of course took the wrong stand. Yes, it is worship to the sun. And yes, it benefits mankind--as does the sun itself. Instead of ditching Christmas, I would teach people how to celebrate it properly. The period between December 23 (which is the actual day Satan views as His special day) and January 6 (the last day of Christmas) would be full of fun. You would be seeing the halls packed during that period, particularly on December 25 (more than for the REJECT Astaroth Party). That's when legitimate needs for new halls would start developing. And legitimate fun--in the form of celebrating something the witlesses have spent 87 years being afraid of.

    Also, gone would be the "sins" involving fitting in with the world. I realize people need to salute the flag, even if they don't mean it, if they wish to fit in. Joining the military would no longer be a "sin". And neither would there be any questions about jury duty. What I would come down on is those hounders still insisting on enforcing the old "sins" designed to enslave humanity and imposing their consciences on the flock--it offends me more to see whole blocks of people in the same drab colors of suits and skirts the same height than even the sloppiest dress.

    And, gone would be field circus as they know it. In phases, it would be trashed. People would realize that's the place to learn real spirituality, and that would be enough to get waiting lists to sign up. No more wasting time and gas pushing rags. No more braving bitter cold or extreme heat. No more having elderly people climbing mountains of stairs, sometimes in unsafe buildings. No more risking getting shot at, pepper sprayed, or having a dog sicced on you. No more going into a building where 20 people are smoking cancer sticks (when you are not even allowed to smoke). No more big dry cleaning bills. I don't think it would take long--within 3 months of using that organization to develop real spirituality and trashing the homophobic, sexist, racist, mankind-enslaving, hate-mongering LIE-ble, people would start wanting to see what really goes on. And, especially after the big Christmas party.

  • startingover13
    startingover13

    Kneehigh, this is probably the best post I've read on this site. I agree with every single word. Good laugh, too.

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    Great list. I'd modify 11 to instruct elders to refer people with addictions to helpful resources. The elders are not trained to help anybody.

  • Jaidubdub
    Jaidubdub

    i would do more to help those in the community who need assistance, regardless of their religious beliefs. I would also ensure there are aged care facilities for those who are elderly and need additional care - especially those who have been faithful for many years (I have an elderly mum who has been faithful for many years & given so much to this organisation and they don't give a f**k about her - it really pisses me off!)

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    12 could result in taller Witnesses.

  • bruh2012
    bruh2012

    ummm. Get rid of -scrap all the publications- oh wait you need all that to understand who GOD and Jesus is- oh well !

  • kneehighmiah
    kneehighmiah

    I would scrap publications too. All the new releases are just regurgitated stuff.

    @jgnat There are a lot of athletically talented JW's. There are plenty of talented JW's period. But most are discouraged from ever using their gifts, because they wouldn't be able to make all the meetings. I also agree with you that elders need to refer people to professionals when it comes to addictions and other mental health issues.

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