oh dear I think I messed up and pushed too hard

by Frazzled UBM 57 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Frazzled UBM

  Reading all the posts on the WT Study on higher education and careers really fired me up yesterday. I have 2 undergraduate and 2 postgraduate degerees and a career as a result which allows me to provide well for my JW wife and son. I was already unhappy because after 5 or 6 weeks of not going and appearing to be making progress she went back on Sunday for the second Sunday in a row and as usual was away all day.

  So the thought that she was spending her time away from my son and me being indoctrinated with that rubbish made me a bit crazy. But most of all I fgound it insulting - insulting to suggest that Satan had inspired me to sutdy hard and work hard through my career. So when I got home I checked her bag and found the Study (I couldn't read it because it was in Tagalog) all underlined and with writing int he margin. So I confronted her "you are the beneficiary of my higher education, why didn't you get offended by this!" Yet again her loyalty was to the organisation, not to me.

  She claimed they just said you can do it but only if it doesn't impact on 'spiritual' work. I pointed out this would never be the case and that the purpose was to maintain the ignorance of Witnesses to make them easy to control as higher education developed critical thinking. I think after months of staying silent I had reached my limit and let her have it with both barrels. Not good. Sobbing for an hour or so followed by the cult personality in all its glory with threats of taking my son to the Philipines (I have put the passports in safe keeping) to have a quiet life. I told her if she did that she would ruin his life. Sleeping on the sofa and not talking to me. These episodes are a quarterly occurrence but this was worse than any previously. I ahve been apologising but this was water off a duck's back. I am very concerned about what might happen next. I think I will need to take a break from reading the posts here because when I read the idiotic stuff the organisation does it makes me so frustrated that I can't get through to her. I am bereft.
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  jgnat

  Women feel, cry, hold grudges, find a million ways to make you feel responsible, then forgive. You are understandably feeling out of your depth. You will get your wife back and all will be forgiven again.

  I think you can negotiate some more alone time so the two of you can build a stronger bond away from the Witnesses.

  I think (after this blows over) that you could negotiate that she call you after the service to get permission before heading out for the rest of the day. The barracuda ladies at the hall are playing the guilt trip big time after service. Her call to you will give her the backbone - and the excuse - to dismiss those barracuda ladies and come home to you instead. You can say, "Maybe next time", she will repeat to them, "Maybe next time". She is to be submissive to her "Unbelieving Mate" after all, and "win without a word."

  I get the impression that your wife is trying to please everyone, has lost herself along the way somewhere, and is riding the wind and the waves wherever they may take her. By reframing her time with the Witnesses, you can help her break free from that influence at least.
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  Comatose

  So sorry you are going through this. Speak to a lawyer. Keep tabs on her correspondences if you can. You don't want her running off with your kid.
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  LisaRose

  Yes, you went to far. Every person has a right to their own decisions about religion, you must respect that. If you were the believer would it be right to browbeat or force her to be a JW? You are just forcing her to defend her beliefs and strengthening her faith, so stop that right now. Apologize again and let it be for a while, it is counter productive. And she is your wife, that is not how you treat someone you love, you will kill any affection she has for you. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?

  The experience of many here is that you cannot force someone out of this religion. The best you can do is to help her by slowly, gently, asking leading question, and give her time to adjust her thinking. It takes months of study and meeting attendance for the JWs to convert and brainwash people, it takes longer to get them out.
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  BU2B

  I have been there.. Sorry to hear this, the stress of having a zombie spouse is so painful..
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  nonjwspouse

  ughhhhh I am SO RELATING and I agree. It's NOT productive AT ALL.

  I understand, understand, understand.

  <hugs>
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  Frazzled UBM

  Thanks all for your support.

  jgnat - unfortunately the special Filipino service is at 5 pm so she goes off when I take my son to rugby on Sunday morning and she is away all day. You are absolutely right about her being pulled in diffferent directions and is very confused and stressed. I ahd been making real progress with her and now in one bungling mistake I have set progress back markedly. Such an idiot!

  LisaRose - I knew I have screwed up as soon as the sobbing started. I wished I could take it all back but it was too late. Unfortunately I have always had a low tolerance for BS and what the WBTS propagates is much worse than that. I get so angry at those manipulative bastards. I have to find some way of expressing my anger at them not at her. This website is good and bad - it allows me to vent but it feeds by indignation.

  I know I will have to eat humble pie and relent but silence is so difficult.

  nonjwspouse - I read your post and yes we are in the same place - my best wishes to you in your struggle
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  Ruby456

  fraxxled UBM, don't beat yourself up about this as higher education is something you care about deeply. on the other hand in at least one european country higher education isn't considered as essential as getting an apprenticeship and their economy is booming - I'm talking about Germany. I know of many witnesses who have settled for an apprenticeships for their children - this has taken the heat from the elders off of them and their children have good jobs.

  Over time I have learned to choose the middle path but occasionly I have blown my top and this like you as been over what I care about deeply - the rights of women, children and gays.

  Personally I think Jehovahs witnesses are shooting themselves in the foot by their ignorance of what higher education actually does for people because of the minority examples they choose to focus on to form their conclusions. Allowing higher education would actually enrich their ranks imo both in quantity and in quality.
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  Gayle

  ugh,,so sorry to hear this crappy situation for you. Sorry, I don't have any success points about this situation.

  However, do I understand she doesn't take your son to meetings? Not to use your son at all in this battle. However, try to throw positive energy into your son now. Use Sundays as family time. She should always feel welcome to come on your outings. Create for your son a positive life. What does he love? Always develop in him love for schooling, learning, the positives of this life now. Make your bond with him, with love, attention, and activities, activities, activities.

  The WT world is so boring for a child. You can offer a world of positives, the WT world only teaches negatives, and a false dream world. Talk about things in life at his age level, teaching thinking ability for him. Express your 'unconditional love' to him, no matter what. He will never hear such talk in the JW world. Teach him to also love his mom and always to give respect to her.

  He will learn so many good things from you. He will not forget. If you have that door open for him to feel like he's got a true choice, it is very most likely (99+% likely), he will be drawn to your real world. He will not be drawn to a world that DFs. He will have you to encourage college. In time, hopefully, he will have school friends and sports friends, or ones with similar interests.

  Your wife has a right to believe as she will. Also, try to hope she will of her own re-evaluation see a more positive life than the one she grew up in, one that DFs, and see that is not the world she wants for her son.
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  Frazzled UBM

  Thanks Gayle - I have won the battle of hearts and minds with my son - he and I both don't want him to go to the KH. Because we have a lot of one on one time together we have a close bond. We do lots of fun things togehter, particualrly on Sundays. I think this is one of the reasons my wife is thinking about taking him to the Philippines - to get him away from my influence! But he will resist going with her I think.