Thoughts about Depression and Anxiety (page 4)

flower

you said it just fine grace..thanks

larc..thanks to u too.

flower

Take any one of the people you consider normal and then put them in the same exact circumstances that you have experienced and try to imagine what they would do. If they are intelligent people such as you are they would probably react the same way.

It is my personal feeling that given different circumstances in life, you would fell very different right now. Does that make you abnormal or does that make your circumstances abnormal? If your circumstances in life would have been normal, you would now feel normal. They were not so you do not. Are you a circumstance or are you a person? The key here is who controls who? Do your circumstances control who you are or do you control your circumstances? For the first time in your life you are now able to make that decision on your own. Either way, given your experience in life you are as normal as can be expected. Change your circumstances and change your life. Normalcy dictated by change will just go along for the ride.

Try not to confuse who a person is purely based on their circumstances in life. What you are right now is a person evolved by circumstance not by who you really are. Who you really are is trying to tell you something, you just don't seem to fully understand what that is or why. Again, that is normal for what you have gone through. It may not be what you desire in life but no one asked you how you wanted to be raised. That is not your fault.

Just a thought.

Dave

rebelledat12

Hi Flower,
You aren't the only person that feels that way. I found this board because my shrink suggested I find a support group. Up until Feb of 2002, I was doing just fine, then out of the blue I had two panic attacks. The theory is the unresolved JW upbringing I had made me freak out, and I am married and have lifelong non-JW friends. I take 25mg of Zoloft everyday and write in a journal. I am not normal, and neither are most of us on this board. The important thing is getting to know yourself. If you need to talk, you can email me.
Peace,
jessi

flower

Dave,

Good point..but the world around me seems to demand normalcy from their standpoint not normal for my circumstances. And my son needs as much. But I'm not that and wont be for a long time, thus the unhappy state of mind.

You say its not my fault but I still somehow blame myself for my circumstances. Every thing wrong in my life has been a direct or indirect result of my decisions. Well maybe not everything, I know I couldnt help being born in the org but I could have done something differently. A lot differently.

But I guess it doesnt matter whose to blame..I'm here and got no choice but to make the most of it.

THanks

flower

seven006

Flower,

Just making the comments that you have shows many of us that you are indeed on the right track now. The biggest indicator is that you care enough to recognize your mistakes and react to them in a healing manner. Realizing that it will take a while is essential.

Just as Larc mentioned earlier many of us have seen your transformation on this board and it is very plain to see that it has evolved with intelligence, insight, caring, and honest self examination. Nobody can ask for more, even you.

As I have said many times to you, I think you are going to make it and you are going to be just fine, you have proven that several times. It takes a lot more effort and work to crawl out of a deep hole than it does to walk around it.

Get that book, it will show you that you are closer than you think and better than you feel.

Take care little sister

Dave

Nicolas

I read your post and it almost seemed that you were describing me. I have no real personnalities althought a therapy helped me to find who I really am. It's hard for me to find my real interest and often, I will follow the interest of another person thinking that I will be a cool person by doing this.

Pardus

Flower I can relate to your feelings and to those who have responded. I had one really good "worldly" friend growing up (along with JW friends who I wasn't as close with) until I was 10 or 11 years old and when he moved that was pretty much it. I hardly had any friends after that because I was and still am shy naturally and being a Witness just made it worse. I thought that only going to occasional meetings and not believing in any of it would solve my social problems or at least help them but it hasn't really. I think it is just ingrained in me to be shy and to believe that worldly people just will not accept me, and Witnesses will only be friendly if I go to meetings and agree with all the teachings. Having a cool older brother has helped because he agrees with me that most of the JW stuff is BS. But still growing up a JW and realizing that I missed out on so much enjoyment, especially in school, has made me a very bitter and angry person, and often difficult to talk to.

I think the key is really just being selfish and doing what you want to do. If other people don't like it, just tell them you need to do things for yourself right now and find people that support you and don't judge you.

beckyboop

Dear Flower,

My heart goes out to you! I've only been posting for 2 days, and I already feel like I'm getting to know the people on here--especially when I read their responses to experiences like yours. It is such a shock to read your words--because I too have felt the same way. I totally understand about not feeling like a real person, the crazy thoughts that run thru my mind every day. I've been out for about 3 years, but the aftermath of picking up a life that I never knew I could have is VERY, VERY difficult--as well as very scary!

I think the words that have helped me the most came from Steve Hassan's book, "Releasing the Bonds". He very emphatically states that you have to find your pre-cult self. That seems impossible if you are born into it--but I was too--my mother was baptized when she was pregnant with me. So I was even dunked twice, and it still didn't take!

All humor aside though, each small step you take, even if it puts you backwards for awhile, is a step forward (just like others have mentioned). The reason we say that is because even if you make a mistake, you can own up to it and say, "ok, I did that wrong this time, next time I'll try again a different way". That is how we separate from the borg in the best way--owning up to our mistakes.

I hope you can figure out even the little things you may have had interests in as a small child, and go from there. There are so many things you can do with your life, if you just try. There are so many different varieties of food, music, sports, exercises, movies, dances, people, animals, bugs--whatever floats your boat. There is no one to say you can't do anything except for you. But there is one caveat--you have to start somewhere--do something, try things, meet people, read stuff, go to a new restaurant/bar/club. Whatever you decide you like, do it! And if you try something and don't like it, move to the next thing!

I guess all I'm trying to say is what I think everyone is saying--YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We have all had similar fears, thoughts, and attitudes to hold us back, but we've kept plodding forward one step at a time--and here we are still. My life is by no means where I'd like it to be yet, but I keep moving forward. And I've found that by reading and talking with others with a similar background helps me the most (but I'm pretty people oriented by nature). I am very willing to email you more if you'd like, and feel free to email me if you need someone to vent to. Getting those thoughts out of your head will help you to understand them better anyway! My thoughts are definitely with you my friend!

Becky

mouthy

Welcome aboard Becky- It is great to have "friends" that understand- Have a good day!

waiting

Hi Flower,

I think I know where you are now internally - but because of incest, not 30 yrs in the org.

My father & mother established my "normal" living pattern. Saying please, thank you, etc., etc., etc. I had no memories (just very odd mental patterns of thinking for years - and no memories of some close friendships, etc.) of abuse, we thought it was normal to be hit with the belt & buckle, etc.

But after memories swirled my mind for months & months before any therapy, - I joined therapy. But then I was in a black/white world. Do I hate my father? But he was the nicer personality between my mother and him. He taught me to say thank you every night to my mother for making us dinner. He taught us to kiss them goodbye each time we left out of the house, with an "I love you."

Do I throw all that away? Replace it with what? Ok, so I hate him totally - is then the things he taught me wrong too? Thank you? Please?

My present husband has rarely (like once a year) thanked me for cooking a meal. "I ate it, didn't I?" It hurt terribly for a long time, even though I knew it was just his way - and he's a good, tender person. Was he wrong for not saying thank you and my father right? Well, if that was true, was my father right in beating us raw and having sex with us?

It took me years to guide through each issue, to see that it's sooooo not black/white. To develop for myself the acceptance to say please, thank you - and remind my husband to say thank you to me or I won't speak to him (I didn't say I was mature, btw).

It takes time, insight, and not that much strength and courage to hug yourself and then learn to say "I think" and really mean it. Just by hanging out here made a world of difference for me. Talking religion, politics, family, jokes.......expressing viewpoints - actually discovering we have viewpoints - and then doing research to back them up. It's a validation of self. It's free and it works.

Of course, it's addictive too.

waiting

ps: A Big HELLO to all the newbies who jumped in here - Lord! We're named Legion, eh?

Thoughts about Depression and Anxiety

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