Hello all. I'm new to this site, but I have been following the topics for some time. Initially, it was during a deep search into the history of Jehovah's Witnesses, and yes, "apostate" sites. I was born into the organization in 1989. My father was always more inclined to the organization than my mother, and soon after she was DF'ed. I grew up in my father's house and learned the 'truth' until I became baptized at 15. The funny thing is that during my early childhood years and teen years, I always got to do "worldly" things at mom's house. Long story short, it wasn't long until my zeal and love for Jehovah was shattered by seeing the reality of the organization. Growing up as a Witness, I was very idealistic. The KH was a sanctuary, an oaisis in this dark and confused world. The pictures in the Watchtower/Awakwe of a large man in a wife beater with a bottle in his hand hitting his wife, or of corrupt politicians didn't make the world seem like a nice place to be. But as I grew older, got out on my own and began to meet people of 'the world', I began to think for myself.
Fastforward 7 years later, and I have recently been disfellowshipped for committing fornication with my girlfriend. She is a convert and was baptized at 20. Now, we are both out, and to make matters worse, we are from different countries. My life was a complete mess. I didn't know where to turn, what to do with regards to the love of my life, or even if Jehovah still loved me. It was then that I began to see the unconditional love of my father. He goes against 'counsel' and speaks with me on a regular basis. He plainly said that I was his son, and that he wouldn't let the lonliness and hurt consume his only child. He has been my rock during this difficult time, and he's helped me to put things into perspective. There is a difference between serving Jehovah, and serving an organization. I have explained this to my fiancee as well, and she agrees. We both were very idealistic, falsely thinking that JW's were a special breed. That no one would abandon us when we stopped going out in service for X amount of house. The fact of the matter is that JW's are humans just like everyone else. And that no human should come between our relationship with our Father Jehovah God. 8 men in New York will not dictate my career choice, only the Bible can do that. All too often the words "Bible trained conscience" are confused with "The latest issue of the Watchtower and Awake."
I have determined now to return to doing what Jehovah wants. Be a good person, a soon to be good husband, and a TRUE Christian. I no longer will let people measure my spiritually by some Earthly yardstick. I also want to take this opportunity to thank the positive and upbuilding comments of the users of this forum. I began to see that I wasn't the first one to go through this realization. One of my psychology professors said that changing a fundamental belief, or having your ideals shattered can be one of the most psychologically difficult times in life. Through my amazing father, loving mother, and fiancee, I have shaken off the shackels of unworthyness, feelings of uneccesary guilt, and sadness. I have learned to read about and embrace the positive side of Jehovah, the side of my loving Father that is happy with my best effort. I am determined to teach my family from the Bible, open their minds, and teach them the ways of true Christianity. Counting hours, reaching out for privileges, and lip service are NOT how to measure a person's worth. A wholehearted and humble service is the only kind that God wants. As for me and my household, we will continue to serve God through a balanced, loving, and authentic approach. No more serving an organization. No more fear. No more lip service.
Thanks for reading.