For the last year or so, the opening lyrics to Gloria Estefan's "Always Tomorrow" have been howling at me.
I've been alone inside myself, far too long
Never really wanted it that way, but I let it happen.....
(Btw, the message in that song is great for former JW's, if you want to think about the lyrics that way....)
Everyone who is, or was, a JW is so different. That might sound like such an odd thing to say, but I sense for many first leaving, that is a huge light bulb moment. Think about it: the word and concept was always "UNITY". (the culty JW version of the word that is)
It's hard to accept your own uniqueness when uniqueness is the enemy. I never had to look for people "like me", because I never had to. I could go into any KH, and have 100 ready made, cookie cutter friends, all with plastic smiles, and the ability to go to dinner and talk about the shared experiences of preaching, congregations, and the "friends".
That of course, is something that the leadership of JW's have setup "organizationally", and preach about all the time. It is why it can be so hard to leave.
So I left, blew up the bridge. I loved my friends, loved my family, and never replaced them. The only way I knew was by figuritavely cutting my arm off that was sandwiched between a rock and a hard place. It's a scar that hurts still.
And to survive those lonely years, I fought! I argued. (here esp, behind the warm anonymity of a keyboard and wifi connection) Because to survive, sometimes, to paraphrase Brother Bon Jovi "You live for the fight when that's all that you got!"
Lately, I have realized a few things. I don't need to be perfect, or pretend I have all the answers (which I was trained all my life that I really did have ALL the answers) And I don't need to fight anymore.
Here is another thing, I don't have friends. I never knew how to make real friends because I never ever talked with anyone about what I really thought and felt. That is pretty damn screwy. But, I don't know how. I need to change that. I was raised to be so pretentious and above it all, that my lack of humility has totally screwed me in life.
I am done "leaving" and I am done "recovering". I accept where I came from now, and the damage that has been done. I can't change it, and I can only move on if I admit that I am weak and need to grow.
So, I am back. I just want to be a human being who happened to be born in to a JW family and did all things within the group before I woke up and left. It's cool to be here again.
I am here this time to talk, chat, jump in appropriately on JW issues that I want to speak up on, and otherwise, not debate. I am sick of arguing anonymously, when there is no way I would ever be so opinionated face to face. (That sucks to know like you wouldn't believe. )
In time, I would like to meet a few of you when life allows. If we don't get that chance to meet, please know that my heart is with everyone who is stuck in, leaving, and have left. It's not easy.
But I don't want to waste anymore time pretending. I am a pretty screwed up guy, who is getting better, but not there yet. I have over 30 years invested in pretending. I won't do that anymore. And I won't hide. Time is all we have, and it is going in one direction, so I don't want to miss anything I don't have to anymore.
There are a lot of success stories on JWN, and other former JW's that I have met, who have created a new life. My big accomplishment so far has been leaving. But I have hid, and I want to stop hiding. I really want to be like most of you here, who have been brave enough to admit what I haven't been able to admit, that I have been hurt, and I need to heal.
Also, I need a lot of you, even if I don't know how to say it or act it.
Part of healing is learning to walk again. I love my song lyrics, so I leave you with Dave Grohl. I am a fighter, who's trying to learn a different method of living other than to fight.
I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?