Tell us a little about yourself and your family.
Married 35 years to a raised-in since five years old, now ex-JW. Husband faded five years into our marriage. Daughter (32-year-old born-in ex-JW, bi-lingual grade school teacher in Central America) respectfully declined to accept a shepherding call from the elders at age 17 and is considered DA’d by her actions. Son (28-year-old born-in ex-JW, sail rigger/shop manager in Mid-Atlantic coastal US) told the elders, “Just F***ing DF me.” They did. I walked away on July 3, 2011 after 42 years in.
Were you a born in or a convert?
I was a convert. My dad accepted a study for our family through the door-to-door ministry. I was nine years old. I studied in the Paradise Lost book. When I was ten years old, I decided I was going to be a JW. The rest of my family stopped studying by the time I was eleven years old.
Are your parents / family JWs?
None on my side of the family. My husband’s parents are 90ish uber-JWs.
How many generations have been JWs?
Three
Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)
Full-time pioneer
Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?
Absolutely, yes. I was terrorized by nightmares of demons in my teen years and refused to read WT literature about demons as an adult.
Did you get baptized? When and why?
Baptized at age 16 in 1975. From the time I was ten I wanted to get baptized, my father finally thought I was old enough when I turned 16 years old. I believed it was the right thing to do.
What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?
Following decades of severe, recurrent clinical depression, I now know to have been caused by cognitive dissonance; I was sitting in a Service Meeting where they were droning on about how important it was to “do more in the ministry, because so many people are going to die.” I thought, “If one more person tells me my kids are going to die. . .” That was my tipping point. The bottom line was that I was never going to shun either of my children.
Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?
Jwfacts.com, Crisis of Conscience, The God Delusion and Shepherd the Flock of God, in that order. I read them all in about two weeks’ time.
How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?
I decided to leave before I learned TTATT. Six weeks after my light bulb moment, I simply told my husband I was no longer going to be a JW. Going to my last District Convention and seeing it as if from the outside looking in was surreal. Initially I felt euphoric, but then the reality of having my entire belief system come crashing down so quickly was exceedingly painful. The shattering of my illusion of safety through prayer sent me spiraling down into deep depression. I went into therapy.
Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?
Neither. I simply stopped going to meetings and initially ignored all attempts at contact by JWs (nearly daily for the first five months.)
Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?
No, my immediate family was already out.
How were your family relations affected by your decision?
They were much improved. Our marriage is more open and honest without GB dictates in the way. My close relationship with both of our children is beyond what I could ever have imagined. They have each told me that they knew that whatever I had done as a JW, they always knew I loved them.
Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?
I am officially “inactive”, not DF’d, won’t DA. I am being pre-emptively shunned by nearly every JW I have known since I was a child. Individual elders and pioneers drop by unannounced now and then, especially on rainy days. If I see JWs in town, we exchange quick pleasantries. I have not seen or heard from the one friend I was hoping to keep in about six months.
How long have you now been out?
2.5 years
Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?
I made a to-do list. Some of the items were to thank military personnel for their service, attend a 9-11 Memorial, invite a gay couple to visit for a weekend so that I could get over my JW homophobia, celebrate holidays, etc. It was all about deprogramming myself.
What are you most proud of achieving since you left?
Removing the WT influences that strained our family relationships and just plain hanging out and having fun as a family. We will be celebrating Christmas on the Rio Dulce this year! Accomplishing my to-do list. Studying, practicing and getting certified to teach qigong. I’m working on my tai chi teaching certification. Volunteering to teach English as a second language. Volunteering to help handicapped individuals to go out sailing. Improving my sailing and photography skills.
Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?
The sense of having a community of support. Of course, I now know it was a conditional community, but is has been difficult to build friendships after 42 years in. I have given up trying to re-integrate with my non-JW family. The level of dysfunction that allowed me to be drawn to the JW promise of a happy family life forever in paradise has not changed. As my son would say, “You can’t fix crazy.” I am primary caregiver for my mom who has dementia (with pre-existing mental illness). Sometimes I just need a hand or someone to listen, and I struggle with that.
Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?
Red pill. I wish I had woken up sooner, but now I have the rest of my life ahead of me to live as I choose.
Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?
Atheist. I no longer believe in spirit beings of any kind. I did check out the Unitarian Universalist church nearby, looking for community. They have great outreach programs, but I found it a bit ludicrous to join a church where you don’t even have to believe in a god or the Bible. It just didn’t make sense to me. I decided that 42 years of intense focus on religion was enough and began to look elsewhere for places to help others and make friends.
How do you now feel about religion in general?
I think it cripples human potential.
Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no’s”?
Not even a tiny bit
Have you attended any face-to-face meet-ups of ex-JWs?
I have met individuals from JWN and exjehovahswitnessforumyuku.com face to face. I attended the premier of Truth Be Told in Brooklyn. However, I am cautious about approaching local ex-JWs. I live in a small community where everyone knows everyone else’s business. I would like to maintain my “inactive” status and continue to fog my in-laws for my husband’s sake. I am his only contact with them (they shun him and our children) for as long as they believe I still believe.
Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?
Mostly neighbors and people I have met through volunteering, teaching and sailing.
Do you tell people about your JW past?
Yes, if it comes up naturally in conversation. I find people to be curious and accepting about my JW past/present.
Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?
I feel animosity toward the elder that portrayed himself as a big brother to my son and then kicked him to the curb. He is a liar and a hypocrite. I have animosity for elders that protect pedophiles. I feel sorry for others. They are under mind control.
How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?
For a while I would invite them in and chat with them, but I have decided that I will no longer do that. The last visit was an official attempt at a shepherding call by two elders who brought by the RNWT. I’m done talking with them. They know where I stand. “I’m leaving things in Jehovah’s hands.” as far as they are concerned. I don’t have a problem lying to them.
Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)
I really needed support when I first left and still do on occasion. I am thankful that it is available and glad when I can be of help to others. At the same time, the activists that run forums like these, post You Tube Videos and write books about exiting the WT are an invaluable resource. I, personally, am not an activist.
What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?
Love them unconditionally and live a happy, productive life. The JWs I have talked to since I have left are amazed to see the difference in me. I am relaxed and happy and no longer on any medications for depression or anxiety.
Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow/change?
The WTS is detrimental to society as a whole, and it destroys families. It needs to be gone. I don’t think it will happen in my lifetime, but one can hope.
How has your life been impacted by your JW past?
I have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder in part from listening to all the horror stories about persecution, possible imprisonment in concentration camps, the rape and murder of our “faithful brothers and sisters in Malawi” and believing my family would die at Armageddon as a teen leading up to 1975.
Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?
Turning down a full scholarship to college to “pioneer where the need was great” out of high school. I believed I had no choice. Marrying too young as is the custom in the WTS. Imposing the role of the submissive wife on me to the extent that I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted for my life when I finally woke up.
JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?
A protection in the sense that I was able to see that my reality at home was not the norm. A curse in that no child should be exposed to the vile teachings of this apocalyptic cult at such an impressionable age. No organization should impose their will on a young adult to the point of destroying their opportunity to pursue their dreams.
How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?
Learning new skills, volunteering, teaching qigong, tai chi and ESL, sailing with hubby, visiting our children and taking care of my mom
Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?
Only enough to keep up with the latest doctrinal changes in order to fog my in-laws. Just the facts though. My eyes glaze over pretty quickly!
How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?
Lurking and/or posting for about a half hour a day on average
What do you think of the ex-JW community?
I have met some genuinely thoughtful and kind people. I am uncomfortable around angry, reactive and know-it-all ex-JWs and have little patience for JW apologists.
Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years’ time?
We plan to retire far away where we will no longer be known as ever having been JWs. I would like to think that we will be able to leave this all behind. Time will tell.
Do you fear the future?
Not at all; I have great anticipation for the future!
What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?
Take your time. Do the research necessary to convince yourself that you are making the only right decision for you. Continue to love your family who are still trapped in, and don’t give up on them. My husband and kids didn’t give up on me. Start making friends and establishing a community of support before you leave. Get professional help if you need it. Volunteer. Explore. Learn new things. Live your life to the full!
What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?
I would tell that little girl to trust the teachers and guidance counselors in her life and not the smiling people on her doorstep.
Do you have any regrets about life since you left?
I don’t regret that I tried to re-establish relationships in my family of origin. I am just sad it didn’t work out. There was a reason I didn’t fit in that family as a child and that hasn’t changed. I finally cut the cord.
Can we read your life-story anywhere? (links to online or books)
Want to share your own story? Please use the Interview with an Apostate: Template and post it in the Personal Experiences & Reunions section with the title "Interview with an Apostate: [your name or alias]"