How many Un-Believing Mates (UBMs) are on here?

by The Song Remains The Same 19 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • The Song Remains The Same
    The Song Remains The Same

    There are a few of us on here. This site really helps.

    Own up, are you a UBM and how do you cope?

    I am really struggling to put up with all the nonsense. My wife has some mental health issues which are not solved at all. The WT fuels the paranoia. It is really depressing for me to see such a wonderful person wasting their time and energy over this organisation.

  • clarity

    The Song Remains The Same...don't think I've said WELCOME yet,

    so a big welcome here!


    Having a partner who is in a cult ... must feel hopeless,

    but there are many experiences on here for you to read.

    If you haven't looked at posters from the last 12 years...

    have a look the bottom, you'll see numbers from 1 now, click

    on 1. Or SEARCH button at top left handside.


    I have no partner so don't have that problem, also see my comments

    on Platz1 question about UBM. Good luck!


  • Rattigan350

    I am working today and since my wife took her turn in Words with Friends during the meeting time, that means she did not go.

    Yippeee. Save gas and maybe get some cleaning done.

    That is one thing that drove me away. Being married to a pioneer, one who is supposed to set an example in hard work and cleanliness, but yet puts the meetings and FS and projects for others above keeping our stuff clean and organized is hypocritical. Plus pioneers are supposed to be simple, not needing the latest gadgets to run up the bills. It is all a social game that I won't participate in.

  • knows better
    knows better

    ubm here.. its not easy, but i really just see the non witness side of my wife. i have found ,as many will tell you, you can't hate them out of the cult. good luck.. and happy holidays.. coping is a day to day struggle some days suck.. today is not so bad. i would say be yourself. its all you can do. love your wife and hope for the best..

  • jgnat

    "Unbelieving Mate" here. Coping is something that Witnesses do. Life is too large for me to simply "cope". Hubby's enthusiasm is waning again. I was getting used to having Saturdays to myself, and now I have him hanging around moping. Be careful what you ask for. Be sure you are ready for a change to your family dynamic in case your partner decides to rejoin the land of the living.

    In preparation for that great day, try adding new friendships and relationships. It messes with their ideas about "worldly people", keeps things real, and gives them a new social safety net when the WTS dumps them.

  • Samsy

    My husband is a JW. I don't cope, either. I enjoy my life and just pray that one day he will be able to enjoy his life, too.

  • out4good3

    Baptised in 1991, but, long awakened to the TTATT here......

    Wife is firmly planted in. We have a truce where we've come to respect who we each are, our opinions about "her faith" and do our own thing. I help her with witness events she wants to host and she helps me with and accompanies me to worldly (I hate that word) normal events with my family I want to host playing the role of the submissive and dituful wife.

    It was no accident that we are where we are........hard work, the want of peaceful coexistance within our marriage and a realization that it is what it is.

  • Libelle

    Ubm here... or rather soon to be former-ubm here. I've coped by deciding that I won't live in a way that shows silence and tgerefire acceptance anymore... well that and he banned me from celebrations with my daughter... since then, this marriage was over. We were tigetger unmarried for 5 years. Tgen he converted and we married. That whole time j-god infiltrated and screwed him up. Sorry to hurt him, but I am done and want my kid to have at least a 50% normal life.

  • carla

    Umb here too, my jw joined up when the kids were a bit older (not toddlers at any rate). I continue to do holidays and such and always will. It has been quite some time now since he joined the cult and things can get better after the initial trip through hell when they first join up. We have an unspoken rule about leaving jw litter-ature out or my 'apostate' literature out, we don't, our home is a neutral area. The kids have grown up and become Christians (not jw's, I do not consider jw's Christian in any sense of the word). If you can get through the hell the jw's/wt try to cause and find their authentic self every now an again it can improve, hang in there if the relationship is worth it.

    Sorry about the wife and her paranoia! The wt only adds to paranoia in general, in my opinion. Does she watch a lot of news? My jw can get extremely negative when combining meetings & constant news. I will at times attempt to use humor to diffuse his negativity or tell him he is being 'judgemental' or harsh and that also diffuses the moment. Try to limit news shows if possible by doing other things, go for a walk, play a game (if you can find one the wt approves of) and so forth. Sometimes you will have to put your foot down for your rights as well. The house is half yours afterall.

  • The Song Remains The Same
    The Song Remains The Same

    Thanks for the replies, there must be many more of us on here I'm sure!!!

    @clarity - thanks. I've been an infrequent poster on here all year, and certainly have used the site to great advantage. I've been able to pose (what I think) are difficult questions to an elder and really make him dig around for answers. Not all of which have been very good answers to be honest...

    Well, the wife spoke to another elder apparently to ask a few biblical questions, but also mentioned that she is seeking a doctor to help her (which is great news). Now the edler wants to speak to me... Awesome!!!. I'm thinking there are only two topics and; on one side he is not qualified to talk to me about mental health or marriage, and on the other side he's wasting his time if he wants to discuss religion. So I have to wonder what the point is and I'm not that interested in discussing stuff at that level with him :-) Oh, and I got her to agree NOT to read any WT literature for a couple of weeks. Only the bible. I'm hoping that will slow her paranoia down a bit. And as a bonus, I went back to her promise that she would read CoC and she at least read the first 10 pages... We've really had a disasterous last two weekends and I think she's realised how close to the edge her marriage is now.

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