If you are going to take drastic measures at home, it might be best not to fade just now. Its good to have the elders on your side when princess Big-spender gets her finances rearranged.
Sadly, fading is bad for my marriage
by stillin 62 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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Ding
Very sorry to read about your situation.
I really hope things will turn around for you.
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ABibleStudent
Hi stillin, Please explain how JW women become princesses - I was never a JW?
Since the WTBTS is constantlly asking for more sacrifice and donations from JWs, how come your wife is such a bigtime consumer? To me she sounds unhappy (possibly from being a JW) and is trying to find happiness from buying things. She doesn't seem very spiritual to me. To me your wife's spending and how you feel about it, is a good reason to seek marriage counseling.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert
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jgnat
Well, as the wage earner and employer, you can structure things so they change. You will either be respected or rejected when you redraw the lines of the relationship where they need to be. I suspect if you get the finances sorted out she will be a changed woman. One way or another.
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Vanderhoven7
ABS a<<Please explain how JW women become princesses>>
The "princess" stereotype, " is over-indulged by her parents with attention and money, resulting in the princess having both unrealistic expectations and skill in the manipulation of guilt in others, resulting in a deficient love life. [ 4 ] The stereotype has been described as "a sexually repressive, self-centered, materialistic and lazy female," [ 9 ] who is "spoiled, overly-concerned with appearance, and indifferent to sex", the last being her most notable trait. [ 5 ] [ 6 ] The stereotype also portrays relationships with weak men that are easily controlled and are willing to spend large amounts of money and energy to recreate the dynamic she had during her upbringing. These men tend to be content with catering to her endless needs for food, material possessions, and attention."
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TD
Stillin,
For balance here, I'd add that we only have your word as far as what's going on. This isn't to imply that you're untruthful, it's just that it's human nature to cast oneself in a positive light.
What you described might be selfish entitlement that would justify a tougher type of love and firmer bounderies, but it might be something else entirely. We don't know your wife. Men and women have pretty much identical emotional needs, but as a gross generality, we tend to weight them differently. An emotional need that a man would list as #1 or #2 in importance might very well be #7 or #8 on his wife's list. And the reverse is equally true. Her greatest emotional needs might be further down on your list.
How much time do you spend with your wife? Do you two do things together to facilitate quality conversation? For example do you ever just walk to a park and sit down and watch the clouds together while your minds ramble? Getting the barriers to drop and talk to each other from the heart takes time and as a business owner myself, I know it's tough. But a married couple needs about fifteen hours or so a week at least.
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jgnat
I would say such a princess is pretty unhappy in her ivory tower. All those things she is skilled in getting do not satisfy.
It reminds me of the rich young ruler on the search of the finest meal in the land, who found it in plain bread and cheese, enjoyed after a hard days' work.
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flipper
STILLIN- I really empathize with the position you are in. Been there, experienced that myself years ago in my first marriage. I was married 19 years to a JW wife who charged up $ 20,000 on the credit cards and it was one of several reasons our marriage ended. But the " no sex " thing is a biggie as well as it is very hurtful on her part to withold physical intimacy due to her JW belief systems and you not being " spiritual " enough for her or having non-Witness views.
I'd like to sugar coat it and tell you that things will get better- but unless the both of you agree to get professional marriage counseling or she agrees to go with you to get professional financial counseling and she agrees to stop or limit her spending habits- you may be headed for a downfall not only marriage wise but possibly you might face bankruptcy due to her unlimited spending. That happened to me in 1999 after my divorce from the JW wife.
My then JW wife started disrespecting everything I said or did when I wouldn't " reach out " for alleged " privileges " in the congregation so she thought it gave her an excuse to diss me not only in private but to other JW's we knew. And she didn't even stop AFTER the divorce. 15 years later she still tries to influence my adult JW daughters against me.
I wish you the best, but if your wife doesn't agree to work things out with you- there is no point in living the rest of your life in misery. Believe me, there are other female fish in the sea out there who would treat you with love and respect. I met one in time, and so would you. Life goes on my friend. I would make sure you get your ducks in a row before any final decisions, financially and get a support system of friends or relatives who are non-JW's who will be there for you. You will need all the support you can get. We are here for you as well bud. Take care, hang in there, Peace out, mr. Flipper
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stillin
Thanks Flipper. Obviously our troubles run deeper than just my fading. But I do know that she would never see a marriage counselor. That's for worldly people. God's word is all she needs. If we both abided by that we wouldn't have the problems we have. Meaning, me, of course. And that brings me to another thing. She was raised as a JW. I was not. I was new when we were married and she has used her vast knowledge as a control over me. I've deliberately caught her making stuff up bit it's just the pattern now.
I keep thinking we can come out of this as I friends.
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jgnat
You can't get that from wishful thinking. You've allowed her in the power position - by your permission - for a very long time. She won't give that up without a kicking up big fuss. I think if you even the playing field she will get the wake-up call she desperately needs. Let her search the scriptures for the answer. How about the last chapter in Proverbs?
Of course, there's no stopping you from getting counselling. You might get better insights than what we can do here.
By the way, I counselled many single parents over the years, going through divorce. The partner looking for reconciliation and peaceful resolution sometimes got their bank accounts scooped as they waited, wishfully, for a nicer outcome. That's why I suggest getting your financial house in order first. It's the smart first move on the chess board.
AND as an aside, I took my JW hubby along to counselling sessions for a few weeks. He smiled and nodded. When our insurance sponsored time was over, he turned to me and told me THAT was a collossal waste of time. Well of COURSE, idiot. You didn't put anything in to it. I had just been played by a passive-aggression master.