JW's relationship problems?

by Matty 21 Replies latest social relationships

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  Matty

  The “Relating to Non-JW's” thread made me think a lot about myself and where I am and what I’m doing now. I have to figure out where I’m going wrong! Has anyone had similar experiences to me as far as relationships with non-witnesses are concerned?

  Here’s the story: I keep my JW association pretty much under wraps socially, and I don’t like to talk about it at work – I don’t like to be thought of as a weirdo. The society repeatedly warns of “worldly” association, but they make out that it is a constant threat! Several times in the past they have said that because of our chaste conduct we are supposed to be more attractive to “people in the world”, and so we must all be on guard – “worldly” folk are all out to have their wicked way with us!

  Well, I beg to differ, because my upbringing has had quite the opposite effect. I find it difficult to form relationships to say the least. I feel quite emotionally and socially retarded, and so I can’t compete in the dating game.

  Some time ago I decided that it would be really unfair of me to think about having any kind of relationship with anyone “in the truth”, being that I was losing my faith. But now when I get close enough to someone, and feel that I can trust them enough to tell them about the way I was brought up, all about my family etc…, well, after that I generally don’t see them for dust! Surely I can’t lie about myself? Can anyone advise me on how to handle this problem? How do I come clean - how do I approach the subject without frightening them off like I always do? When is the best time to say something?
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  larc

  Matty,

  I wouldn't say much of anything. What difference does it make to other people? None. People of both genders, who have not been exposed to the religion really don't want to talk about it, so it is best to talk here, but not to the general public, because they just don't get it, and they don't want to get it.
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  Matty

  larc

  I think you are spot on there. I always thought that women are impressed by openness, sensitivity and honesty but deep down they aren't really like that - although they might say that they are.
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  peaceloveharmony

  i disagree larc, i've had the experience with my "worldly" friends that they do care and sympathize with me and the way i was raised. of course you don't want to talk about it constantly but your true friends will give you a listening ear and their understanding. most of my friends are amazed with some of the stories and teachings of the jws. with new relationships it might be a good idea not seem obsessed about your jw past but no harm in bringing it up with people you trust. being a jw (or xjw) is a part of who you are and i don't think it should be hidden or buried. matty, i'm not sure why people seem to run after you tell them about the jw thing, maybe they don't know how to react? learning social skills is not easy but it definately can be done. just be yourself. and anyways, who wants to be with friends with people who can't or won't sympathize and try to understand? venting here of course is great because you don't have to spend hours explaining the basic teachings and etc. but you will find people in the "world" that will listen too. best wishes to you in your journey.
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  larc

  peace,

  With all due respect, my experience has been quite different than yours. Whenever, I brought up the subject the conversation lasted about 5 minutes and the other person was ready to move on. Now, it might be different if you have known someone for a very long time, and you both choose to delve into each other's past. Then, I think, such a conversation would work out OK.

  As far as meeting someone for the first time, and then starting to date, I think I would leave it alone until you really get to know the person.
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  Matty

  Thank you peaceloveharmony for your kind words - I need a bit of hope here!

  I must admit I'm still a bit confused about it all to be honest though... it's late in the UK so I'm off... so see ya folks!

  (Hopefully I'll get a few more thoughts from my pals across the ocean when I look at this thread tommorow...?!)
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  peaceloveharmony

  larc, right, i do agree with you that in new relationships it might be something you want to leave alone until the relationship develops. i just got the feeling matty was talking about real friendships where you would be doing some sharing of this kind of stuff...all in all, it's up to you how much you want to share with people. i certainly don't introduce myself to new people by saying "hi, my name's harmony and i was a jehovah's witness" hehe :)
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  concerned mama

  Matty, please don't lump all of us worldlings together. You will find that some people are interested in religion and philosophy and will be fascinated by your JW experiences, and others are interested in hockey or football or fashion. No one will want to talk about it all the time, but some people are more interested in that kind of stuff than others. You may find that when you find someone more than superficially interested in YOU, they will also want to know more about your early life. Someone who has had no significant difficulties in their own life, may also have a harder time understanding why you can't just "get over it". It all varies from person to person, not whether they are JW, Catholic, Buddist, Pentacostal or just plain don't believe in God at all..
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  ConnieLynn

  Matty,
  I can relate totally to what you are saying. I am really good at the superficial talk, I do a lot of it in my job. But when I comes to opening up, I lock up...especially about my past. I have opened up somewhat to a couple of people AFTER I felt comfortable explaining.

  Dating was a whole other subject. I was totally freaked out by guys when I started dating. I didn't know how to talk to them or handle the touching. I did the chaperoned dating thing as a witness and had been a very good witness girl. But I figured it out by watching other people and just jumping in with both feet. Eventually I got more comfortable. A saying in my office in dealing with intimidating clients is "Fake it till you Make it". Its sort of crude, but it worked for me. My insides were nervous, but I don't think people could tell on the outside.

  You don't have to tell people everything, or anything if you don't want to. I used to tell people I had led a very sheltered life. It was true and no one probed.
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  LucidSky

  Matty, Connie - I can relate too. I felt very social-shy when I first started dating for real (still do sometimes). Even with friends I would try to cover up my past or not discuss it at all. Eventually I started sharing and it lead to some good conversations and enhanced other persons' understandings of me.

  I do believe that the topic needs to be introduced a little at a time with new friends or dating partners and only when you feel comfortable with him/her. It's not something I would bring up on a first date... or second or third! An important thing is to not let the other person know it affected you too deeply -- at least not immediately, like larc/PLH already said. If you do, they may start thinking "Hmmmm, emotional baggage... Welp, see ya!" Unless you suffer from bitterness or depression, it should not be an issue at all. ExJW's can actually make great partners.