My friend gave me a book she had, called "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody. It's not a new book but sounded interesting, so I started reading it this morning. After 20 pages, I put the book down & started bawling. I am 50 years old, have spent years trying to get better, trying to feel "normal", read a lot of books, done a lot of self-help type stuff & self healing. When I sit back & look objectively at myself, I am proud of myself & know I have come a long way. Especially since I was diagnosed as bipolar 3 years ago, it gave me an AHA moment of why I have struggled all my life to feel or be 'normal' or happy, or the struggle to overcome my depression & chronic fatigue syndrome. But I feel very bad of all the situations I put myself in when I was raising 3 kids by myself, and for all the unhealthy emotional crap I have passed onto my children. I feel ashamed of putting my needs at times ahead of what would have been in the best interests of my young children. My 3 kids are all young adults now, and frankly doing very very well as far as career & education. My 2 older kids have pretty thick emotional walls around themselves, one at 26 has never even been on a date & claims she has absolutely no interest in being in a relationship or having children, the other one dates a lot of girls but never really commits emotionally to anyone. My youngest daughter has been in a relationship for over a year now with the same person, and I am very happy that she found someone she gets along with so well-- but she is so codependent, always looking to others to fulfill herself, and she is bi-polar so she will always struggle with emotional health & has since she was a toddler. I guess I feel like my behaviors have damaged my children and it makes me very very sad sometimes. I love my kids so very much, and I just want them to be happier than I have been in my lifetime & I want them to love themself. I am really having a pity party this morning. But what terrifies me, is the fear that I will outlive my husband of 5 years. He is the absolute love of my life. He is codependent like me, but unlike my other partners truly loves me & cares about me. Nothing is perfect of course, he has tendencies to be controlling etc but the difference is that he is aware of his issues. He is 11 years older than me, and has health issues that I know will grow worse with age. What I am scared of, is that he will pass away eventually and instead of finding peace with myself & enjoying my older years doing what I want to do, fixing my home the way I want it, etc etc, is that I will run into other codependent or dysfunctional relationships or find myself in similar horrible situations that I have dealt with over the years with relationships & unhealthy and/or abusive people. I am just frustrated at being 50 years old and still struggling with the same issues I have had my whole life. So I keep thinking, will I ever overcome being codependent on others for my self esteem & sense of self worth & happiness? Or am I being too hard on myself, and instead need to step back, be objective & give myself a pat on the back for all the efforts I have put into becoming an emotionally healthier person? Thanks for listening.
does anyone really overcome co-dependence behaviors?
by love2Bworldly 12 Replies latest jw friends
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love2Bworldly
Wow, I swear I put spaces in between the paragraphs
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Hortensia
Someone once told me that you can't change who you are, but you can learn to limit the damage you do. It's hard to overcome codependency, but with awareness you improve, as you know. You'll keep improving, get wiser and wiser, if you just keep working on yourself as you have done.
So, give yourself a pat on the back, keep learning and improving. Right now you're feeling down, so get out and get some exercise in the sunshine to cheer yourself up. Your kids will survive, just as you have, just as so many other people do.
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Hortensia
BTW, the book that made me cry was Adult Children of Alcoholics by Woititz. I cried and threw the book across the room. But then I picked it up and finished reading it. It made me sad, but it also gave me a lot of insight in my own behavior. So, I get how you feel after reading this book. So sad, and such a lot of wasted time. Well, nothing you can do about the past. All you can do is continue to gain insight into your own behavior, and try to grow.
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whathappened
Read Toxic Parents, that too, is an awakening experience.
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blondie
I went to Al-Anon for several years because I needed a healtheir way to handle my life in response to my mother's alcoholism. Anybody who understands the language of co-dependency and being the family hero and the family enabler which my other family were happy to make my responsibility. Actually, it was my first step out of the WTS because of the harping that it was my Christian responsibility to enable my mother's drinking, take over her responsibilities carry her emotional burden.
Al-Anon was great for me. It helped me get rid of the unrealistic responsibility and eventually gave me the tools to cope with the abuse at the KH.
My final step was to cut off all contact with my abusive family because they kept feeling it was my responsibility to make them happy. I immediately felt better and wondered why I had allowed the guilty to keep me chained.
I read John Bradshaw and watched his shows on PBS.
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satinka
Dear Love2Bworldly,
Why do you think you are codependent? Is it just because someone in authority TOLD you that? Doctors can and do mis-diagnose.
If you really are codependent, then I say yes, you can successfully overcome it. In order to do so, you must break old patterns of thinking and learn healthy new beliefs about living life.
One thing for sure: stop BLAMING yourself for your perceived failures. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. With experience you will learn healthier ways, but stop being so hard on yourself in the meantime.
Find something in the library about loving the SELF. If you learn to love yourself and validate your own worth, it is easier to let go of self-blame. Loving the self will give you confidence that comes from inside your SELF, rather than being an approval sponge. Live for YOU and not for others. You can still be in a relationship (if you want) but you don't have to stay in a sick one. The choice is yours. Give yourself permission to make your own decisions.
Keep in touch and let us know how it is going.
satinka
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satinka
Great video, Blondie. Thanks for sharing!
Letting go of the shame (unfairly put upon us as children) is truly a necessary step.
satinka
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love2Bworldly
Thank you for all your responses, I appreciate it. I did read Toxic Parents, and that book did help me a LOT. I guess I just need to remind myself once in a while that I am making progress, to give myself a pat on the back, and stop grieving over the past. Something about turning 50 this year, has made me reflect too much on the negative parts of my past. I did join a psychology forum for support, but the way it's set up is a lot more trickier than this forum. I find this forum way easier to use, and got discouraged trying to figure out how to post & navigate around on the other website. I ran my dog, did some aerobics, ate a little ice cream, read your posts, and life is better now. Thanks again!!!
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Narcissistic Supply
Watch a couple hours of Tony Robbins. Or watch a couple weeks of it.....We can all heal....