The Bible as explained to my 5 year old son....

by stuckinamovement 12 Replies latest jw friends

  • stuckinamovement

    Abraham lived about 300 years after God created all of the languages. Abraham lived in a town called Ur until the time that God said “Abraham, look up at the stars. I am going to give you as many children as there are stars, but first I want you to start living in tents.” Abe packed up everything he owned and headed off into the desert. Abraham was an old man with an old wife named Sarah. Sarah couldn’t have babies so Abraham decided to have one with Sarah’s maid Hagar the housekeeper. I know it sounds strange, but that’s what God told him to do. Where do babies come from? Umm, after we are done with this story you can go ask Mommy. At any rate, soon Hagar had a boy. Everything was great until God told Sarah to have Hagar the housekeeper take the baby and head off into the desert alone. No I don’t know what happened to them, but I am sure it was something happy.

    Abraham was pretty bummed about this. Here he was with a 90 year old wife stuck in the desert with no kids. Sarah prayed for a child and soon God made Sarah pregnant even though she was 90. Can you imagine Great Grandma having a baby? The baby boy’s name was Isaac. One day God again spoke to Abraham. He told him “If you love me, go up to the mountain and tie up Isaac and kill him with a knife.” Abraham took his son up on the mountain and just as he was going to kill his son, God said “Stop! I was just kidding, kill that goat instead”. That is probably why Isaac had trust issues with his dad. What’s that? Would I ever kill you if God told me to? No sweetheart of course not. God doesn’t talk to Daddy like he did to Abraham.

  • stuckinamovement

    Lot, a pile of salt, and keepin it in the family.....

    Lot was Abrahams nephew. Lot lived in a place called Sodom and Gomorrah which were two towns that were full of bad people. God became very angry with these two towns and decided to destroy them by making it rain fire from heaven. Yes, like an upside down volcano. Why was he angry with them? Because the people were “sleeping” with each other. I will explain what that means when you are older. At any rate, God sent two angels to warn Lot and his family. The angels told the family “you need to run for the hills, don't look back.” The family ran for the hills but Lot’s wife turned around to look at the cities burning, and so God got mad at her and transformed her into a giant statue of salt. Huh? Do your potato chips have pieces of Lot’s wife on them? Good question, I don't think so, but maybe?

    After God saved Lot and his two daughters from the destruction of Sodom and Gommorah, Lot and his daughters lived in a cave. His daughters wanted to have babies really really bad so they made Lot drink too much wine and then they “married” their dad so he “slept” with them and put babies in their bellies. This made God happy. Thus Lot became a “daddy-grandpa” with a pounding headache.
  • adamah

    stuckinamovement said:

    His daughters wanted to have babies really really bad so they made Lot drink too much wine and then they “married” their dad so he “slept” with them and put babies in their bellies. This made God happy.

    Ohhh, that one's gonna need a footnote, since the author of the Genesis story intended to portray that Lot was a heel, and his incestuous sex made God unhappy (it was a subtle jab at Lot that condemned him for his incest).

    Unfortunately, '2nd Peter' was apparently morally-questionable enough such that he didn't see anything WRONG with incest, so 'Peter' says that Lot made God happy, and upgraded Lot to "righteous"!

    I've written a 3-part analysis of Lot's reputational make-over on my blog:

    On second though, never-mind: if you're going to start adding footnotes that explain all the contradictions, your condensed version will become larger than the Bible, itself!


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