brittania waives the rules

by bigmac 8 Replies latest social humour

  • bigmac

    The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

    The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour. The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.. The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

    Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request. Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

    All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew. The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen. The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

    Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast. The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ." His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

  • cofty

    Haha love it.

    It reminded me of this Army answer phone message. The reference to the Navy is hilarious..

    If your enquiry concerns a situation that can be resolved with a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party with a first class marching band. Then please write well in advance to The First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London, SW1


  • cantleave

    Both hilarious!

  • Simon

    I don't think any other country in the world could do bunting like we could.

    At our preak ... our bunting influence has waned somewhat in recent years.

  • cantleave

    Yes bunting is a British passion

  • besty



  • besty

    Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to *female crew.

    *fixed for additional humour.

  • JeffT

    This has been around awhile, but should be repeated in this thread. Modern Nelson at Traflagar.

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
    meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
    her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
    persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
    opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '
    England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
    smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
    mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
    Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
    ........... full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
    stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
    history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
    nest please."

    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
    harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
    won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
    barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
    even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
    by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
    the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
    let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
    anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
    the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
    charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
    legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
    now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
    this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
    saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
    age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
    sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
    corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

  • bigmac

    ha ha ha yes--very good.

    i cant help thinking i should have thought twice before starting this thread.

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