How does TTATT affect your marriage??

by Crazyguy 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • Narcissistic Supply
    Narcissistic Supply

    I lost total respect for the estranged JW woman going through the child custody battle. We don't speak.

    I tell my kids it's not how i grew up. I don't care at all about the estranged wife or the JW mother in law. I'm trying hard every moment of the day to salvage the kids mental health. Trying to find joy every day and show my kids that i can still have fun.

    I tell my kids that i am their license to freedom. They have a license to think anything they want. Do anything they want. Call or talk to anyone they want. Have sleep overs. Have play dates. Go to party's. Celebrate every holiday with wreckless abandon. The whole nine yards.

    I tell (my kids) they they are in social animal boot camp and I am the drill sargent.

    The walls are plastered with all kinds of anti JW propoganda that hits at the core of the nonsense in every way possible.

    It's pretty much an all out assault. Full on. Head banging frontal attack on the JW narcissist.

    The narcissist will only use you as long as you provide them narcissistic supply. I believe that everyone stuck in the jw religion are full blown wild eye'd narcissists or inverted mirrors of the narcissists and EVERYHTHING about the religion is based on the availability of narcissistic supply.

    The long term effects of dehumanizing can be seen in jehova witness behaviors and attitudes. The watchtower writing department has engaged in a 100 year war to dehumanize all aspects of life which do not feed narcissistic supply to the narcissist. The dictionary defines dehumanization: To deprive of human qualities such as individuality, compassion, or civility: slaves who had been dehumanized by their abysmal condition. The availability of narcissistic supply drives everything with this group. If you are not a narcissist or an inverted mirror of the narcissist you will not last with the jehova witness. They have to capture the little ones to create the narcissist (addict) or narcissist mirror(supplier. )

  • life is to short
    life is to short

    Looking back at my marriage I see where I gave all control to my husband, he was older and he was an elder. When I wanted some say in how my life was going he would throw at me if you do not like this you should have never married an elder. I would instantly feel like scum when he said that to me and it would take all the wind out of my sail so to speak, I could not find words to answer him because I did marry him as an elder and I truly thought I had no right to question what was happening.

    There were so many time over and over and over that I would be put down and made to feel like a child. Like we would have plans for doing something as a couple after the meeting and time after time after time a surprise elders meeting would come up and my husband would dump me like a hot rock. I would be told to just go sit in the car, like I was a child. Never was I offered a ride home from him or anyone. I would sit in the car for hours and hours. It got to the point the even the publishers in the hall would come up to me and tell me to just go sit in the car as they needed to talk to my husband. He was the only elder in the hall when we were first married. I even got phone calls from some of the JW's screaming at me demanding to speak to my husband, just rude people who no respect for me being his wife. It was HELL.

    I put up with it because in my heart of hearts I thought it was really the truth, I thought things would get better someday. I would watch other young couples have date nights, and have fun together buying things for their homes, getting new cloths etc but all of our money went into field service for car gas to pioneer and besides we never had time for date nights as there was always a shepherding call to make or a meeting parts to prepare, etc.

    I truly loved my husband more than anything in the world, but slowly that love died sitting in the car and being dumped at a moment's notice for someone in the hall. We could never and I mean NEVER miss a Saturday morning for service. A couple of times I talked my husband into not going out in service but he still had to go conduct. It was totally crazy. When we finally bought our first and only home he was on a JC committee that went on for weeks, I painted the home and moved in by myself. One of our new neighbors even came over and asked if I was single, I told him no I was married the neighbor than asked if we lived together because he never saw my husband with me. I got into a bad car accident and was going to massage therapy which I had to quit because it interfered with my going out in service and as an elder's wife my husband could not stand that.

    It all came to a head when I realized that we had not one but three pedophiles in our hall, two of which were in our book study group at the time and one of which was determined that he was going to work door to door with my husband. I was like over my dead body. My husband said he would have to being he was an elder. It was finally a huge deal breaker for me. I went to the CO and asked if it was true that my husband would have to work with a man who had raped children and the CO told me I 'needed to get a handle on my attitude and yes my husband WOULD WORK with pedophiles door to door.' I totally flipped out, that was totally the very last straw. All the other hurtful things that had been done to me was nothing compared to my husband working in public with men who had raped kids. I was molested as a child and it was just mind numbing to me to think that my husband would spit in my face to be going door to door with a child rapist.

    Anyway long story short the elders deleted my husband because I was not in submission. I was not in enough submission after all the hell I had been through, all the hours of sitting in the car alone, no time with my husband and I was not in submission???????

    My husband has apologized over and over for the past but the past is still in my mind my memory and I truly wish I could make it go away it still hurts in how I was treated like a non person all those years. It just took the extreme of the pedophiles to make me finally have a back bone. To here you guys say your wife's had temper tantrums and would yell and scream it totally amazes me. I never would have dreamed to do that, though my husband says that I always got my way, and I truly do not know what he means by that. How did I get my way? Our second year anniversary that I had been looking forward to for weeks was destroyed because my husband had a elders meeting come up and I spent the night over seven hours in a cold car until one in the morning waiting for the meeting to end. We never made up for the anniversary. How did I get my way, no mornings together just having coffee, no true time together, all our marriage was for the stupid religion. No time for me his wife, but somehow I got my way.

    Our marriage is not great now because of the past but we have been together for so long and I just cannot walk out, I just wish I could turn back time and that I had, had a back bone back than. And yes my husband is still in though he misses a ton of meeting the pedophile thing really affected him and he did agree that I was totally right about it.


  • wandasue

    The marriage is over. Just waiting for the right time to leave. 48 years down the toilet. I sleep in the basement, don't talk to him unless it is necessary. Wrote a letter to circuit overseer and nothing happened. My heart is broken. It's a long story just stay on my meds to get thru the day.

  • DesirousOfChange

    Though I took the lead in it, we both have come to see the TTATT. For some reason, it's a much bigger issue emotionally for me. I feel totally misled and f***ed over by their false prophecies [which are now my overzealous expectations]. Thankfully out kids know TTATT even though they each have responded differently since becoming aware. That's good, it's their choice.

    Personally, I still hold a huge grudge -- lots of resentment for the damage we have already experienced and will without doubt continue to experience in the future do to planning our future on the WT Promises.

    Our marriage is good. I have the greatest gal in the world.


  • out4good3

    I thought I'd literally crushed my wife when after a direct question from her a few years ago, I told her that I didn't believe in the "truth" as interpreted by Jehovahs witnesses and that I'd never go back. I've demonstrated that I understand and respect that she believed, I understood that she'd grown up in it, that it was all she's been exposed to, but I had to be true to my conscious.

    I've caught her several times trying to phrase questions in such a way that I couldn't possibly disagree with the answers as expressed by the soceity, but I've been able to give her well reasoned answers as to why what they say could possibly been in error.

    She left the room and cried for awhile. I assured her that as far as our marriage goes, my commitment to it was as strong as ever. I tell her all the time that whatever issues she has with the marriage that she might as well talk about it, get over it, or agree to disagree as it is what it is and I "ain't" going anywhere.

    We're coming up fast on our 30th year anniversary.

  • Magwitch

    I did not stick around to find out ...walked out of the KH 7 years ago and straight into a courthouse to file for divorce. Two of the absolute wisest things I have ever done!!!!

  • brainmelt

    It only took a few months for my husband, he was never all that spiritually strong anyway, I was always the uber-dub who took the lead as the spiritual head. He is now pretty much an athiest, has a beard (he always had one on and off anyway much to the dismay of the cong) and we are celebrating our sons 5th birthday tomorrow. There is always hope that your spouse will follow you, just be patient, its so tough at first. Just try and make them think, don't blind them with all your doubts at once. Be patient. Thankfully it hasn't affected things for us at all, I'm so sorry for all those who have not had it so lucky :(

  • Magwitch

    LITS...We have so much in common. If I could add up all the time I waited for an elder's meeting to end, it would probably be many, many months of my life. Dave wanted to do anything and everything for anybody in the cong. Besides the endless hours preparing talks, giving parts, shepherding, endless phone calls, elder meetings, committee meetings, brown nosing, visiting the sick, he also loved to paint their homes, clean their carpets, fix their cars, and any electrical or plumbing needs anyone had - it never F***ing ended!!!!! He was everyone's night in shining armor. It ruined our marriage long before I learned the TTATT. The only positive is that he never had a minute for his daughters either, so when I left they were tied to my hip. They are in their 20's now and have no relationship at all with their father - they just remember him as someone who preferred the religious stage over them.

    Sorry to do a bit of highjacking here :)

  • 3rdgen

    The is a reason for the legal term " irreconcilable differences." Sometimes all the kings horses and all the kings men can't put the marriage back together again. Then it becomes best to make a clean break and try to shed the bitterness and be open to a new (*usually better) relationship. My 1st husband was Dfed twice while i was still a true believer. He had once been an elder but over time became a non believer. I admit i lost respect for him over it. However, it was the repeted adultry that actually ruined the marriage. Still we went to a marriage councilor to see if our shattered marriage could be saved. Nope! But I could sleep at night knowing every effort was made. Marriage councilors (contrary to the Watchtower) are helpful and actually strive to help save marriages where possible. If not, they help you leave without guilt and less anger.

  • outsmartthesystem

    For me it ended with divorce, disfellowshipping for charges of "apostasy" and my wife doing everything in her power to keep my children away from me.

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