Tech 49: My Tripping Point, Part 2

Tech49

After reading some of your other posts and experiences, especially regarding the Elder's School, I am reminded of part 2 of my experience down the rabbit hole.

The last Elder's School I attended was in 2011. I remember vividly the 3 day event. I remember vividly being bored out of my mind!

As has been stated by others, the hours of monotone counsel and examples and experiences were continually beating on your brain with the usual stuff:

1. You're not doing enough.

2. You're not worthy.

3. You're materialistic.

4. Clean up the congregation. DF anyone that doesnt listen.

5. Listen to the "Mother" Organization, at ALL costs.

6. If you doubt, even for a second, something you hear from the FDS, then YOU are wrong! (Direct quote from my notes).

That alone (#6) was one of those "lightbulb" moments. It was only at that very moment that I asked myself...."why am I FORCING myself to do this?" The petty posturing, the politics, the "good ol boy" mentality, its all so fake and superficial that it is nauseating.

I remember leaving the 3 day "Spiritual Feast", feeling exhausted, not refreshed at all. This wasnt right. I was stressed, when I should have been elated! My mind was battling with my heart, and I knew deep down that this was the last time I would be at a school program for congregation elders.

Tech49

Soon after this, there was a series of events in quick succession that culminated in my deliberate decision to quit participating in the charade of being an "Elder".

Ms Harper had been dealing with some minor health issues, and it was a little stressful, mentally and monetarily on the family. We don't have Health Insurance, so everything was out-of-pocket. In so doing, I was working extra, and she was unable to get out much do to some minor surgery, healing, the usual stuff. Her "hours" suffered, she was now a "low hour publisher". Given the circumstances at the moment, completely understandable!

Time for a CO visit, and the brother that showed up was a substitute, a fella about my age, and a real asswipe. His crap didnt stink, and he knew it all about it all! He was friends with alot of other old-timers, and was a little golden-child that could do no wrong. No kids, just him and his wife, reveling in his new "power" position.

Ok, so I sign up to go with him in service on Saturday, there's a few things I want to confide in him, maybe he can help alleviate some of my concerns and pressures.

Our BRIEF conversations ended up being about what I NEEDED TO DO, and that OBVIOUSLY, Ms Harper and I werent PRAYING ENOUGH, and not going out in FS ENOUGH!

I was soooo mad I could spit. Rather than offer to help, or attemp to understand our personal situations, all he could do was spout rules and regulations, and dictate what we weren't doing.

Later in the week, at the Friday Elder's meeting, he made a complete ass of himself.... He went around the room and asked EACH brother to explain his schedule for Family Study, and why it wasnt up to "standards". He made comments about how you couldn't be on an assembly program if your hair was too short...... what??? There were plenty more of these types of personal comments that were given the stamp of "law", and counsel. Many of the brothers were extremely uncomfortable, but none really said anything. It went on and on like this for 2 hours, and I was sick and tired of it. I could feel my blood pressure rising.......This boob was using his position to make personal attacks in an attempt to elevate himself.

Fortunately, our evening of fun ended soon after that, and we left. Feeling like we had just been whipped like stray dogs, several brothers decided to decline the invitation to attend Field Service on Saturday, myself included.

I went home and told Ms Harper all that had occured. I told her right then and there.............. "I am done with this. I cannot serve with these brothers."

It took only a few short months after that before I worked up the nerve to follow through with my decision, but honestly, it was the best decision I have made in a long time.

I know I am leaving out alot of details, but they will come to me in time, and I will help fill in the blanks as we go along.

frankiespeakin

Good story and as far as giving more details don't feel under any pressure until you want to do it, you don't owe it to anybody but yourself. Cheers and wish you the best on your journey.

Tech49

I am continually amazed at how much this affects me.

This entire experience, awakening to reality, is on my mind day and night. I go to bed thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it. Its almost as if new thought processes are forming....It's just crazy. Funny, I don't feel "diseased"........It does good to write some of it down, even if for no other reason that just to get it out.

My mind and heart are struggling to undo decades of fictional, psychological and behavioral training that is based on....... subserviance to MEN. I appreciate all of you listening, reading, and empathizing.

crmsicl

I know the feeling, the first few months after taking off the blinders my husband and I would wake up in bed and the first thing one of said was Wo-ow. I know that leads to other thoughts (wink) but it was usually because of the feelings of lightness and freedom and clarity of thought.

humbled

Point # 6 woke me up when I tried to talk to a new CO about a matter after our midweek meeting. He chanted three times at me: Do you know who the Faithful and Discreet Slave IS?

And he topped it with this:So, if there's a problem, WHO is the problem?

I told him, Brother, you were raised Catholic and so was I. When you say that to me, it raises a red flag.

That was the beginning of the end maybe. He wasn't favorably impressed.

Oh, and his final talk on the needs of our congo included women being content in their position in Jehovah's arrangement. I am woman. It felt personal. I hadn't been looking for trouble.

jgnat

Congratulations on waking up.

Never a JW here, but your mind transformation reminds me of when I seriously took up fine art. Our instructor had us observing what we saw for hours, noting the shapes and shades, getting the tonal values just right. My brain went on overdrive, and my world transformed. I couldn't watch TV without the screen breaking up in to its component shapes and shades. The same with faces.

So, yes, a brain can transform itself when it is taught to look.

I had a headache after art class for months.

cha ching

You will be so glad you did "tip." It is hard to live with hypocrisy, it wrenches your soul... especially, like sooo many of us, we always thought it soooo wrong to be "a hypocrite," we'd be like the Pharisees. "We" try so hard to be honest, even giving the penny overpaid for change at the store. When you actually see the inner workings, the inner people, the RBC, the CO's, the J.C.'s, etc, you know it is nothing like Jesus taught or was. My husband was an elder also, and it does take adjusting, you have given so much of your life to what you thought was doing what was right. We always feel better when we listen to our conscience.

gingerbread

Thanks for sharing!

I liken my gradual awakening to a clogged artery. After years (or a lifetime) of junk floating through the veins, a blockage develops that reduces blood flow to the brain. You become sluggish in thought, unsure on your feet and dependent on others.

The body understands the importance of getting blood to the brain and it will develop mini-arteries around the blockage. By researching and having honest evaluations about the Org. and oneself, a person develops a greater awareness about the realities of 'the truth' - eventually circumventing the flawed ideology.

The blockage will remain but you'll begin to think with a clear head again!

whathappened

Enjoyed your post. Love those insider stories.

I remember when my ex was an elder how he dreaded the co's visit. You were not the only one who felt the way you did. Glad you have woken up.

Tech 49: My Tripping Point, Part 2

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