Things you don't want to hear on a plane!

by SYN 6 Replies latest social humour

  • SYN

    1) Pilot: "Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I
    am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free
    to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

    2) Airline attendant during safety demonstration: "There may be
    fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

    3) Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: "We ask you to please remain
    seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    4) Loudspeaker announcement after landing: "Thank you for flying
    Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
    much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    5) Attendant from same airline: "Welcome aboard. To operate your
    seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If
    you don't know how to operate one then you really shouldn't be out
    unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
    oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
    mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more".

    6) Pilot: "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
    broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
    Thank you, and remember nobody loves you or your money more than this

    7) Stewardess: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an
    emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments".

    8) Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: "Whoa, big fella,

    9) Flight attendant after rough landing: "Please remain in your seats
    with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
    our plane to the terminal gate".

    10) Stewardess: "As you exit, please make sure to gather your
    belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among
    the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses".

    11) Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry sadly none of them are on this flight".

    12) Flight attendant: " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
    seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to
    a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tyre-smoke
    has cleared and the warning bells stop, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal".

    13) Steward: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
    And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
    the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us".

    14) Stewardess: "Last passenger off the plane has to clean it".

    15) Loudspeaker announcement: " I don't know whether we landed or were
    shot down".

    16) Pilot "Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at oh my god!... oh no!.......... sorry about that folks, I've just
    spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers." Passenger: "You should see the back of mine ....!! ."

    Seven006: "Have you tried drugs? Shooting up a little heroin might do the trick, it's hard to type when your stoned out of your mind. I don't know how TR does it!"

  • Prisca

    Genuinely LOL @ this!

  • Joyzabel


    These are too cute. I fly a lot and will have to mention these next time I'm up in the air!


  • Elsewhere

    Oh my GOD!!! Oh No!!!!


    "As every one knows, there are mistakes in the Bible" - The Watchtower, April 15, 1928, p. 126
    Believe in yourself, not mythology.
    <x ><

  • Simon

    "Hi, my name is Sharon and I'll be you're pilit today ... BTW I just split up with my boyfriend and it's a real bad time of the month"

    "Hi, my name is Osama ..."

    "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?"

  • Mulan

    Back in 1989, we were flying from Switzerland to Warsaw, Poland, for the special assemblies. We were still on the ground, on a Lot Polish airliner, in Zurich, waiting to take was hot in the plane, and we had been awake for 20 hours!!!, and we just sat there. We could hear arguing in the cockpit, and lots of raised voices. Finally one of the men, in the cockpit, came through the curtain (no door) and pounded on the instrument panel. It lit up. He did a thumbs up, and we took off. It was white knuckles all the way.

    Marilyn (aka Mulan)
    "No one can take advantage of you, without your permission." Ann Landers

  • butalbee


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