Family is drawing the line in the sand (page 5)

happytobefree

it's basically a guilt trip.

It's only a gult trip...if you decide to ride.

I always remember this...how you feel about me, is not my problem. So start by taking power of your destiny. I would either choose not to reply or reply, thank for the invite and thinking about me, but I have other plans for this time. Love Ya and talk with you soon.

I have successfully faded for 13 years and the one thing that has helped is setting boundaries...not with just JW's...but with everyone. I control my life, and no religion, family, kids, grandkids, friends or associates can infringe upon what is best for me, no matter what their intentions.

JW's usually mean well....but NO is NO and when someone is not listening to your request, it's bordering on abuse. Lots of therapy taught me this.

Rufus T. Firefly

Share this quote with your family: “No one should be forced to worship in a way that he finds unacceptable or be made to choose between his beliefs and his family.” (From the article, “Is It Wrong to Change Your Religion?” July 2009 AWAKE!, page 28)

sarahsmile

Hmm, What is your reason for hiding your feelings from your husband?

Maybe he is feeling the same way?

I would ask my husband what to do about it?

Did you know men are programmed to fix things and make them better?

It will make you closer,unless your heading for separation.

dissonance_resolved

Crisis averted with the family, at least for now.

sarahsmile- re my hubby, from the conversations we've had, I know he's not feeling the same way. He responds with the usual JW programmed answers, thought stopping, etc. there's so much at stake with the kids being involved, that I'm really just scared. If my parents draw a line in the sand and I can't cross it, then so be it. But I must be on the same side as my kids. Their future depends on it.

sarahsmile

My goodness! It would change your life.

Wew I understand.

This might be hard to hear: Women need to make sure they have a good attorney.

Not that you need one you just need the name of one. Some one who is cut throat and is border line, the fine line when when it comes to the law. And you can not take some ones word for it. Reasearch your law library or just call them.

There is a guy here who wins everything. He leave mates crying. Women who are fit mothers have to pay. We are talking cut throat.

Hope it does not come to that.

Sammy Jenkis

Just be honest and brace yourself for some really heated conversations. Remember to not attack and put down their beliefs, as much as you might not like being told "you're wrong "they don't either.

Fernando

What about a carefully worded impossible to answer question when the time is right?

"Dear family. Please do not worry about me - I am fine. I need time and space to resolve some important questions. I will share one with you confidentially so that you can pray for me if you want. I do not need or want any further intervention.

One of my questions: 'Why do we call ourselves “publishers of the Good News” whilst unfamiliar with the “Good News” according to Paul, Moses, Isaiah and Psalms?' "

The advantage of them making a genuine study of the "Good News" is that the "Good News" was specifically designed to set people free from spiritual captivity. It is impossible to continually pursue the "full Good News" or "unabridged gospel" and remain blind to the illegitimacy of the Watchtower:

"The spirit of the Sovereign Lord Jehovah is upon me [Jesus], for the reason that Jehovah has anointed me [Jesus] to tell [the] good news to the meek ones [sheep or wheat]. He has sent me [Jesus] to bind up the brokenhearted [spiritually deprived and unregenerated], to proclaim [spiritual] liberty to those taken [spiritually] captive [by religion/ists] and the wide opening [of the spiritual eyes] even to the [spiritual] prisoners [of religion/ists]" (Isaiah 61:1).

dissonance_resolved

Four months later and I find myself in the same place. I managed to skirt the issue last time and have enjoyed a summer with continued contact with my family, the elephant in the room being silently ignored. But today I got another email from my mom with the emotional blackmail totally ramped up.

I'm exhausted- I don't know how much longer I can keep up the pretense of I'm too sick/tired/busy to go to meetings or out in service. But I can't tell them how I really feel either without risking being shunned.

My kids are confused, wondering why mommy is crying all the time. My parents are sad, my hubby is angry and feeling betrayed. Friends I've had my entire life have disappeared into thin air. Trying to get off the WTBTS treadmill is like jumping from a moving train and getting your shoelace caught in the door, being dragged along on your face but you just can't reach to cut the ties.

AnnOMaly

I sympathize. You are in one sticky situation. A battle of wills between one side trying to make you do what they want you to do, and you trying to have some level of autonomy over your life as a grown-up. You say you are exhausted and cry all the time. That means you are still stressed and depressed. It's the constant battle that's wearing you out, but use it to your advantage, if possible.

Tell them, "Look, I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel exhausted. I cannot cope with the demands of meetings and field service at the moment. Your constant pressure to do something that I cannot cope with makes me worse. For whose benefit are you doing this? Mine or yours? The more you push, cajole, guilt and manipulate me, the more it's pushing me away from what you expect me to do. I am a grown woman. It is MY faith and relationship with Jehovah. He understands even if you don't. I am doing what is necessary for my spiritual and mental wellbeing and shall return to meetings and service, not because you think I should, but if and when *I* am ready. So please, BACK OFF!"

You could also throw in this:

(2 Corinthians 9:7) . . .Let each one do just as he has resolved in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

"Do you want me to go to meetings or in FS begrudgingly because you have been badgering or compelling me to, or because I have resolved to do so by myself? If the former, do you think Jehovah will be pleased with my service?"

rubadubdub

Tell them, "Look, I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel exhausted. I cannot cope with the demands of meetings and field service at the moment. Your constant pressure to do something that I cannot cope with makes me worse. . . . It is MY faith and relationship with Jehovah. He understands even if you don't. I am doing what is necessary for my spiritual and mental wellbeing and shall return to meetings and service. . .when *I* am ready. . ."

dissonance_resolved, I agree with what AnnOMaly wrote, although I have softened it a bit. It may seem that you are in the same place as you were months ago, but you are not. Your family still is though. As you said, the elephant is still in the room, and they are using emotional blackmail. The thing is you are not in the same place if you are exhausted and crying all the time. Something has to give, and it can't be you.

Since you have said you accept that you may loose your parents and friends (and your "friends" are already disappearing), but just want to keep your family, can you try to get your husband to talk about what he is feeling, not what he is thinking-- what he is feeling. Has he said he feels betrayed? (I felt that way after my husband left.) If you can get him talking, even if it is interlaced with cultspeak, then you can be really understanding and supportive of what HE is going through. Emphasize that you have been a "faithful servant of Jehovah for x years." Tell him you are really struggling right now and don't fully understand what is going on yourself, but you just can"t handle going to meetings or in service right now. Tell him you are certain that Jehovah understands. Tell him you are leaving things in Jehovah's hands, because you trust him to be fair and just, looking at your lifetime of heartfelt service and love for Him.

Tell your husband all you want right now is to be a good wife and mother. Tell him you are the same woman he married on the inside, that first and foremost, you love him and your children. Can you enlist his help in running interference when others pressure you? I guess I'm trying to say to try to get him on your side emotionally, leaving doctrinal issues out of the mix.

This is basically the speech I have given to my former congregation elders (although I have played the mental health card a bit more strongly), my two best "friends" in the Org and again to two pioneer sisters that dropped by about a month ago. They have all left me alone so far. And yes, all the rest of my lifelong "friends" disappeared after five months' time. Maybe as you approach the six month "inactive" phase, they start to back away.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. xo