Loubelle,..
Please excuse the rambling, trying to make a little sense the way that I view it.
What can a person reading this safely say to you to get you to think about that? We donlt want to say the wrong thing, accidently.
All we can do is to encourage you to seek help for the thoughts that are going through your mind at this point. What has helped me is to realize that it is possible that things will get better and if you can envision yourself down the road when things have improved and someone asked you if your glad you stuck it out and got help to get you through the rough spots and you said answer in the affirmitive, YES!!
There are professionals that will help you through these troubling times. Please seek these avenues to help you improve yourself.
Mentally we all go through quite a bit getting out of the Borg along with the things we deal with on a daily basis. I think possibly a "stepping outside" mentally and looking at the positives that you have going for you, your alive, you actually have a job, etc,.. instead of only the negatives at this point.
You know how the Japanese had those that would take their life rather than disgrace their family. I think it was referred to as "saving Face"
Im my opinion those people had too high of a percieved value of disgracing their family name, honor etc. I know that this is an extreme example of how a persons percieved value can be off kilter enough to take their own life where as someone else on the Earth will not miss a lick when it comes to embarrassing the family name. Both ends of the spectrum as to how the person deals with the issue.
You could have 2 people dealing with exactly the same issues, work, lifes issues etc,.. where one can handle it and the other can't see how to handle it.
What is the difference that makes one person be able to easily dismiss the issue and the other not? I think it is how a person has been brought up to believe or how they have come to believe how a issue should be valued. Where does this "scoring" take place?
It takes place in our minds. While we may not be able to stop all the issues, we can alter the way that we perceive the "seriusness" of the issue. We need to sometimes "devalue" the weight of the seriousness of the issue at hand.
We might need to become morelike the other group on the other end of the spectrum to be more balanced or be moved more toward the centerline when it come to giving credence to the particular issue.
Take for example Bill Collectors,.. can they eat you? No,..they cannot,... so don't worry about it as much as you may be now.
It takes a "reframing" of what you consider important to be able to relax your thoughts and the percieved seriousness of what is ailing you at the moment.
I hope that someday you can look back on this time period and say to yourself, what was I thinking, I'm so glad I hung in there. life is so much better now that it was back then.
Know that we love you and feel for your pain, I'm in no way trying to belittle your feelings, just trying to help you get through them. Again, please seek some professional help.
NJY