Today my best friend from the borg called me!
Ok.
I've been officially out for almost a year now.
No contact with former "friends" & "family".
(just my mom checks up on me now and then,
fishing for info on my "activities"
I think hoping to live vicariously thru me
and trying to "do" nice things for me
like she can "nice" me back into the "fold"
(I wondered whether someone would call to try and guilt me
into coming to the Memorial, but thankfully noone did...
it helps that i'm so private, very few really know how to reach me). *spoken to xfiles theme song haha*
Anywayyyy...
TODAY I got this message on my vm
and my heart was justa thumpin'
as i listened to my friend
who (or it is whom) I haven't talked
to in what feels like forever
she is speaking in this whispery voice
(a grown woman acting like we are a couple of teenagers who
are "grounded" from talking to each other or something - *giggle*)
saying she's been thinking of me and missing me
and that this may be silly
but she wants to go for a drink with me and chat
...if i wanna call her back
My first reaction
(after I jumped for joy
and peeled myself off the ceiling)
was to analyze the possibility
that this could be some sort of
"set up" to try and guilt me into
coming back.
But I quickly rated the possiblity as
slim to nil, she just doesn't operate
that way....she has always been totally anti-guilt.
This is
someone I've known since childhood
and have been extremely "tight" with
for about the last 7 years
through one helluva lotta stuff in both our lives.
She is the most beautiful person,
inside and out.
When I left,
she was really "balanced" about the whole thing
and didn't presume to judge me.
At a time when everyone was telling me
to "hurry back",
she in a wisdom beyond her years
actually told me "don't hurry back".
She has family in and out of the borg
and i think this is where her
insight and balance comes from.
I had many "friends" in the borg
but Honest to gawd, she is the only person i have missed.
When I first left she would still
send me little hello emails and
check on my welfare.
Not having free access to each other
was tuff though and it killed me to feel
like by leaving I was abandoning
such a sweet & true friend.
(these feelings self imposed, nothing she ever said)
Our contact dwindled though,
I think cuz it caused her guilt feelings,
and I didn't want to make her feel that way.
So I sort of keep her posted by chatting with
her non jdub fleshly bro every so often
and leaving it to him to let her know
how i am, when and if he thinks appropriate.
In fact, the last time i talked to him,
i did tell him that she was the only one i miss.
Maybe that's what motivated her to call.
So. I bit the bullet and returned her call.
I figured that would give me a better
feel for what really motivated her call,
and it was soooo unbelievably great to hear her
voice again!
We talked for about 20 minutes on a work break
she almost sounded apologetic that she hasn't talked
for me in a long time...almost like she was nervous that
I wouldn't accept her call...she asked me how i am
but she didn't push for details or anything...
and for the most part she sounded like she
just reeeeeeally needed to vent
(like some good ol' times)
and she kept saying "Ooh, there is so much more
I want to tell you but there isn't time"
(cuz my break was over)
so we made a tentative date to go
for drinks sometime next week.
It was so great to talk to my
sweet friend again, just like we used to.
The conversation flowed as comfortably as though
not a day has passed since we last spoke.
She's still a jdub tho and we both know
that she could get in "trouble"
for speaking to me, let alone
going for drinks!
I'm a little psyched out
(or afraid?) though
about meeting up with her.
I mean, what if someone sees her with me?
(well, i guess we could rendezvous at my place hehe)
This feels so covert though,
and I hate that.
I'm not as worried about me,
as i am about her. I'm concerned about
all the possibilities
surrounding this.
I mean, it's insane all the "what ifs"
that are flying around in my head...
what if she comes and then feels guilty
and goes again.
Can I handle that again? And if so,
Is it worth it? (i think yes!)
Yikes.
Has anyone been through something like this?
What could this do to me and to her psychologically?
I'm afraid of being the reason she feels guilty.
I am also well aware that
even though it feels like the good ol' days,
things HAVE changed....and I might have to sort of
"censor" my conversations with her now to omit the
things i don't want leaked to the jdubs.
Also, I have changed a lot in the last year,
i think for the better, (but then, I may be biased heeee)
what will she think.
This is a little tuff. I repeat: Yikes.
I'm sure I'll calm down about it,
(and analyze it to death til i've decided how i feel and how i'll approach this whole thing), but in my spazziness, i thought i'd welcome any insights you all may have on the subject.
SPAZ