There were realy two things that came at the same time and contributed to the moment I broke free. They were the study of the Revelation book and the coming of my Dad's divorce. While on summer break of 6th grade visiting my dad, he studied for about a week with the JWs, he was searching as was I. He decided that it wasn't for him and quit. But the JWs struck a chord with my step-mom and I. We both went in full bore. I moved in with them so I could continue. As the years went on, my step-mom bacame more and more of a controlling bitch. But she was my "spiritual head," immagine my wonderful life. My dad let it be know during my senior year that he was going to get a divorce after my graduation. I could not stand the thought of living with my step-mom and wondered how I was going to make it on my own with all the temptations. I wanted to see what it was like to smoke pot. I wanted to have premarital sex. Many other "bad" things. Then I realized that if I wanted to do these things, I must not think that they were bad. After all, I always had hated killers, cheaters, and liers, I thought they were bad. But I saw nothing bad about masturbating. If, after 5 or 6 years of trying to convince myself that these things were wrong, I didn't think that way then I never was going to.
At the same time I was worrying about life without my step-mom to keep me in line we were studying the Revelation book. My anylitical mink kept yelling inside me, "How can they KNOW that this vision means what they say it means? How can they KNOW that their interpretations are correct? WAKE UP MAN! These are words from men with no conclusive proof of their validity. How do you not see that?" I realized that faith was the acceptance of something that could not be proven, and that I had no faith.
These two issues kept yelling at me in the back of my head, no matter how I tried to shut them up. I felt guilty for my doubt, but couldn't escape that fact that thru all my study there was no resolution I found accetable that the JW literature could provide for either of the issues I had. I had visited my mom one week. The next week I was sick. So I had skipped several meetings. I had no excuse one night and started getting ready. I realy didn't want to go. Finally my step-mom asked me "are you ready for the meeting yet or what?" Butterflies were working overtime in my tummy. Finally I said fuck it. "Barbara, I'm not going." "What?" she said angrily. "I'm not going to the meeting, I'm not going to any more meetings at all." She stood there with no words. Finally she said "fine" and took herself and her son to the meeting. That was the moment I was no longer a JW.
After about 5 minutes, my chest relaxed. I was free. I breathed in and it felt like I hadn't taken a breath in 6 years. I stood up and I felt taller than the Empire State Building. I was master of my own destiny. I was not a Jehovah's Witness. I was not bound by the doctrines of any organization or the controlling dictates of a power hungry bitch. I was only Adam, no more and no less. Adam was a rock, an island, untouchable, impenitrable. I had been being groomed for Bethel and I got a sinister pleasure out of the schock from the congrigation at the announcement, communicated to me thru some JWs who would still talk to me under cover. Elders and pioneers called on me, invited me out to lunch. I would accept their invitations and explain with a smile that, no, I didn't want any spiritual help, the reasons I left are personal, thank you for your concern. The best part was seeing Barbara every day for the months prior to my graduation. Sometimes I was stoned, sometimes I had beer on my breath, and I made sure she knew it. I can't exress to you the satisfaction it gave me to tell Babrara one day, after telling me that I couldn't go out 'till I had done some menial chore, "Barbara, I'm going to do whatever I damn well please. I am 18 years old, you are not my spiritual head any more, and your status as my step-mother exists only on paper and everyone knows it. The only authority you have over me is what I choose to GIVE you! Think about that!" The look on her face was worth all the money in the world.
