That's how I feel when I see these crazy new WT study articles and the inane reasoning contained therein, and the indoctrination machines of meetings run by all those little hardened human cogs and the unending stream of propaganda we're pitched up against. .
You could spend all your time working through those WT articles ( See Cedar's post on the latest 'new light') and refuting the stupidity, and yet most Witnesses aren't even concerned with changes to the FDS or 144 000 because like all of humanity they're too busy trying to scratch a living as it is. Such airy doctrine changes don't have any effect on their day to day lives and is thus irrelevant. Others just don't think deeply enough to understand the magnitude of what is being asked of them, so it passes through them like an undigested seed.
The lone voices crying out in the wilderness about these latest articles are beacons of light (forgive my mixed metaphors) and I love the work they do because it has really helped me, but when I look at the monstrous pyramidal structure arrayed against people like us, I quail in terror at the possibility that I might stand up against it and try to free my beloved from it. I feel over a 100 years of WT oppression and increase in propaganda volume, and feel helpless against it.
I want out! I want to never go to one of those stupid meetings again! Sure, I like the association at the hall when the torture is over, but the more I scratch at the hideous WT scab the more pus and decay I find! I've done a huge mental clean out these last few months, and have shed over a decade of guilt, judgement and fear. My experience at the memorial where I ran out in tears has put me off ever going back to the Kingdom Hall!
But they will not let me go quietly into the night. Elders will spring out of the woodwork. I'll be watched for signs of unorthodoxy, while the finger will hover over the 'disfellowship' button. I'm already losing friends. My Facebook page is under scrutiny by those very same ones who ran off to the elders when I posted some questions for discussion about the JW faith.
I hear Jesus, but they don't want me going near him. I hear YHWH, but he's monopolised by some men in NYC. I hear my God and my Lord Jesus in the Bible, the human spirit and the beautiful things around me, and I want to follow their voice, the voice that tells me to be the best human being I can be, and to love and help others with my own unique talents. Not wasting my time in dead works that leave me empty, but in exploring the things that make us human!
End of rant. Thanks for reading.