I'm terribly sorry, Beck. Suicide always leaves so many people stunned and with questions that will never be answered.
About 25 years ago, I came very, very close. It seemed that I was cornered, with no way out, and no one could understand it. I was severely depressed and in a state of high anxiety. I could see no way out of my predicament, and to make matters worse, I was asshole over appetite in love with a new woman. But I was willing to leave her too with no answers. I already had a 12 guage shotgun loaded with buckshot lying across my knees. This was in November, '77.
In the end, what kept me from doing it was the thought that I would be leaving my little girl, 5, alone with no father and no answers. In that manner, my little girl saved my life just by being.
I have an idea this doesn't answer any questions for you, but perhaps it will enlarge your perspective a little.