Quick back-story: I'm pretty young...old enough to go to war but too young to buy a beer (if I were in the States..maybe I am maybe i'm not...) Compredo?
So I've had allot of doubts, but figured it was a fault in myself until my best friend left a year ago and has since been labeled apostate. I've never shunned him, in fact, I still see him a few times a month in secret. Basically he's never tried to turn me, but we have open in-depth discussions. It's so nice to be able to do that. Anyways I'm still in and can't leave at this point. Don't know if I ever can... but I realize how easily things can hit the fan.
My struggles haven't gone unnoticed - the elders have been tracking me ever since the one time I briefly and vaguely opened up to my good MS friend. Also my ministry hours have been down, although I've gotten them back up sufficiently to keep under the radar. It's tough, I just want to be honest with the people I love but I know it'll cost me their love.
Which leads me to the reason I'm posting. Last night my very good friend who's a strong pioneer sister took me aside by our cars as we were leaving someone's house. She said she knew about how hard it must be for me since my best friend left....her oldest sister did the same. She asked me if he ever told me anything that has affected me. I didn't know what to say...I wanted so bad to just tell her what I've been going through, the things I've learned. After a bit of a pause I let her know that around the time this friend left I had spoken with him about it, as a friend, because I just couldn't treat him the way his family and every one else was. She briefly said something about shunning, in a way that kind of made me think she doesn't like the idea of it. I didn't tell her I still see him often. She asked me if I think about the things we talked about. I said it's impossible not to, but I have to try. I didn't know how to read this. I said that he hadn't tried to convince me to leave or showed me apostate literature...rather, that it's ok to ask questions, to look into things objectively. She was shivering like it was freezing, and I mean it was late but not that cold. I could tell she was nervous....I told her that it's hard to talk about this stuff because it's like walking on eggshells. Which is so true...I mean say one wrong thing and the sh*t hits the fan. She expressed how she felt about me sticking with it, that I'm "still here" despite that and the other things that have happened in my childhood involving my dad (which she doesn't really know about). I hugged her and told her I appreciated it, that's it's been important for me to be around the 'right' people, and that if she ever wanted to talk it's OK, and I'm here. Soon after we went our separate ways.
This whole moment had kind of taken me by surprise, but it left a deep impression. Ever since 'opening up my mind', I've had this strong suspicion that most JW's secretly have allot of doubts, but are too afraid to let them fester. It's just too scary to think about (I know this from my own experience). JW's believe very strongly there's nowhere else. I keep hearing that...'there's nowhere else.' Even she said it and all I could say was that this (being a witness) is a good thing...didn't know what else to say...
Anyways, hate rambling but it's just something I can't stop thinking about. She's said things before that have left me thinking, mostly jokingly, like her saying "I don't know WHAT I would do if you ever left!" or "You never know about people, like who knows, I could go in service all day as a show and then be looking at apostate websites behind closed doors (talking about herself)", or pointing out various old-testament atrocities she "needs to do more research on" or asking logical questions about things...haha after a conversation while watching Jurassic Park about Jehovah designing animals as carnivores and if they'll eat meat in the new system, she sent me a long email citing references from articles from like the 60's (she was disappointed she couldn't find more satisfying answers but left it as something we should not consume our time with, that we need to humbly accept what we don't understand etc.) Not sure what to take from all this, it's almost like she's been testing me, saying things for my benefit.... She's a VERY smart girl and means the world to me. Not sure if she realizes that or not... But she's one of the reasons I still try.
Soon she's leaving to go pioneer in a different country for almost a year. I'd like to think my situation will be the same when she comes back, but if I'm being honest here, anything can happen in that span of time. I'm having a very difficult time and can't say for sure I'll last till then, though due to circumstance I really must.
Before she leaves I'm planning on getting her a gift to bring along, with a letter. Not sure what I'll write, don't want to let anything out, but want her to know that she can talk to me no matter what happens in the next year, and that I care for her. Above all, I would really hate to make her feel the same unhappiness and despair I've been feeling. It's not up to me to try and convince her of anything. I think people are starting to notice my depression; I'm getting worse at hiding it. Thanks for listening everyone.