The memorial was held last night at a community center about 15 km away from the Kingdom Hall. As a df'd person, I always feel more uncomfortable if the Memorial is held at a location other than the regular KH, as I would otherwise know my way around where to sit in obscurity, as well as arriving just as the meeting is about to start.
Well, I decided to come a little bit earlier (although not too early) - then walked inside the community center and suddenly I was standing in front of the wide entrance where practically everyone was gathered in order to get a perfect view of who were entering the hall. Needless to say, I felt like an alien, someone who did not exist at all, yet when I gazed into the eyes of many of the ones I know, I noticed that they were secretly looking at me and then quickly turned their heads away from me. For a while I was standing there not knowing where to go, whereas trying to find a seat was virtually impossible as many witnesses already secured their seats for themselves. Also I did not want to walk through the hall being surrounded by witnesses who are doing their best to ignore you while trying to find a place to sit down. So I decided to just wait and let myself be a spectacle to all those onlookers when suddenly I saw my daughter and her husband (who are both respected witnesses) enter the building together with my youngest daughter (who is inactive). I felt so good to see them - finally there were some people who could recognize me and would greet me while standing there. They greeted me of course, especially my youngest (inactive) daughter, who was so happy to see me there - we both kissed each other. They were going to check and see if there was a seat available for me. Before that, I discreetly asked a few elders if they could check for a seat and they all sort of gestured that they would try, but they never did as I saw them move away from where I was standing and they just continued to speak to others. I tried a couple of times to ask them again if there was a special section reserved for visitors and they just nodded and continued to greet others.
Incidentally, my youngest daughter of 25 years is baptized but now inactive for some time, however when she entered the hall, everyone greeted her and they were so happy to see her. Yet she is living with a man (not married) for some time now, which is common knowledge to most of them. Although I do not wish the shunning treatment upon my youngest daughter by any means, I was sick to my stomach to observe the hypocrisy of the witnesses by allowing her in their midst as one of their own, having full knowledge of her lifestyle! Isn't one of the reasons for being disfellowshipped to protect the congregation from bad influence? On the other hand, I am going to the meetings regularly for some time now (I repented a long long time ago) but because of JW-protocol, I am still shunned and ignored. Certainly a double standard...
I looked around and closed my eyes briefly to make sure that I was not dreaming - was this all true? - I wanted to get out of this dream and get back to reality, where people would have normal reactions - no it was not a dream, but harsh reality. At that moment I seriously considered leaving the hall before the meeting even started! Moments later, I walked helplessly toward the back of the hall looking around for a seat when my youngest daughter came toward me and said there is one seat smack right in the front. I told her that I would prefer to sit in the back somewhere where I finally found a seat.
Then I started to realize what a loving arrangement this all is: a bad dream after all...
Richie :*)