Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation 40 Replies latest social relationships

  • lost1

    Hi LIT. Another non-jw falling for a jw here! Tried everything and more to "wake him up" after he went cold on me. Found out he was a jw by googling his name and long time poster on this site blaming him for wrecking his life/marriage so should have read the warning signs. All he would say when asked him if he was a jw was not all are bad. Then the rot set in and few weeks later, literally overnight, nothing. I will never know what happened but can only guess he put the WT first and wanted out in case they found out he had been "bad". Tired everything to make him talk or open up but nothing. Hard pill to swallow but have to accept he had his fun and now he is back in the fold or moved onto someone else. Like you I did feel partly responsible and thought it was my fault but now know this is not true!!

    Good luck for future and hope you find peace.

  • LostInTranslation

    literally overnight, nothing.

    Thank you lost1. Yep this was my experience as well.

    He had wavered a little before, doing the hot/cold thing with me but always coming back around after a day or so.

    This time though, I just told him that I thought we needed to cool things down a bit so we could get our bearings. I made it clear that I wanted to continue contact and seeing him but on a less intense level until we could sort things out (Him still having never admitted his JW involvement).

    He shut down on me IMMEDIATELY when I said this, he turned into "cult persona"(as I realize now in hindsight) and was very formal in his speech, cold if you will. He DID apologise to me for having hurt me in our past relationship and said he would never want to hurt me again that way though.

    As I have said in previous posts, I am very much understanding now that this is something I probably need to let go. I am seeing the entire picture now thanks to so many of the kind people here

    as well as from doing research and reading everything I can get my hands on.

    Knowledge really IS power. I feel much better about "me" with the understanding I have gleaned from posting and reading here. I totally get that this is not MY issue... it's entirely his.


  • jgnat

    You are all beautiful ladies and I hope you find love in all its depth an dimension.

  • lost1

    Oh yes I remember the cult persona! Did eventually have a couple of texts which blamed everyone else, wife, kids, friends, illness (lots of!!) you name it. Everything he did is exactly as I have read on here, almost to the letter. I did feel for the poster whose life he stuffed up as I have spoken to them but they have moved on. Am glad. He advised me to as well. I am. You can try and help so much as jgnat says before you come out shrieky and scary!!

    jgnat - have said this to you before but thank you.

  • tenyearsafter

    One thing I haven't seen mentioned is whether you have been intimate with this chap, (sorry, don't mean to be overly prying)...if you have, this could be a real problem for the future of the relationship. You mentioned that he has a pending divorce, but in the eyes of a JW he is still married and would be commiting adultery if he was intimate with another person. This could be working on his conscience and creating his sudden change of personality. If he has been a JW for any length of time, this control can be very strong.

    I would love to offer more encouragement, but I am afraid that most JW's, unless they are already mentally "out", will not make good relationship material unless you convert. Good luck in your journey through this chapter of your life...

  • LostInTranslation


    after much deliberation and help from you very kind people, I realised what needed to be done with my situation. I decided to send him a final "farewell"

    I was kind, and open.. letting him know I understood his dilemma, and that since I am now aware of his relgious affiliation I completely understand how confusing and frightening it is for him to keep me in his life. (both for himself and the children he is raising in the "truth")... that I now get the "Complications" as he liked to put it. (he kept telling me this would be a 'long haul' and that his life was 'complicated' without coming out and fessing up to the JW thing)

    I told him I thought it was unfair that he wasn't honest with me about his Beliefs from the start, but that I get it now...

    then I wished him well with his life

    The end.

    Yes: tenyearsin, we have been intimate. And now I suppose he will deal with the guilt/fall out from that if he chooses to confess, and even if he doesn't, he can battle with himself.

    He made the choices, I guess now he will suffer the consequences.

    I really WOULD love to see him get control of his life and find the REAL truth, but that I have no control over. If he ever needs a friend when the chips were down, I wouldn't turn him away, but friendship would be as far as I would go.

    I deserve to be sane too NO shrieking/Screaming for this chick! LOL

    Thanks everyone. So much.

  • lost1

    You sound very positive LIT. Glad to hear it. What you have said to him is more or less same as I said. Ball in his court but only so much you can do. Have sent you a pm.

    Keep strong.

  • LostInTranslation

    PM back at ya lost

  • nochoice

    Hey LostinTranslation. I know you've made up your mind and have already told him so. However, I worry about you changing your mind! In case you get weak, in case he comes after to you with promises and tells you all the right things (whatever that may be, whatever you may be dying to hear from him), don't go back!

    For me personally, the biggest thing is the fact that he has already been intimate with you and never told you he was one of Jehovah's Witnesses. That's just insane. Of course he feels like he's leading a double life - he is! The ministry is the most important thing to a JW, and part of that ministry to talking to everyone about the religion - to neighbors, people in line at the grocery store, people waiting at the docotor's office - everyone!

    The fact that he could disconnenct himself from that mantra, keep the whole religion secret from you, AND commit the worst sin possible for a JW (other than sinning against the Holy Spirit or apostacy), is just insane. It's hard enough for those of us that are mentally "out" of the cult but are "in" pretending because we're forced to for a family member. I could not even imagine doing what he's doing AND believing in the religion at the same time.

    And I am not implying that he's really "out" or on his way out because he's waking up. He would have certainly told you if that was the case. And even if he does tell you such a thing, he's still very, very indoctrinated. And he did what he did (got intimate with you and kept his religion a secret) while he was still very much a JW.

    We all here wish him well. But don't let him mess you up with his struggles. If he has to mess some girl up, let it be another JW girl that already has problems!

  • LostInTranslation

    Thank you Nochoice!

    While this took some time for me come to my realization, and I needed some help from people more experienced and understanding of the JW ways, (and the help was immense!)

    I have come to the conclusion that being apart IS the right thing.

    I left him before 20 years ago when things were bad and he was not ready to get help for his substance abuse, Seems to me that not much has changed. Just the booze has become JW`s.

    Crutch for a Crutch. Still something other than himself making his decisions for him.

    No worries, I am better than that.

    I really clearly see how weak he is. Sad as it is. I DO wish him well and hope he finds his way out, but it`s been a very long time that he has been `seeking` himself in some form or other... so I must admit I don`t have a world of hope.

    My life goes on. I have a pretty full and loving life with good friends, wonderful children and a loving family.

    I will be fine. This was surprising to me and shook me for a minute - mostly because of our past history I think, it kind of gave this a different quality of `connection`

    but I have no qualms in my ability to move past it and be happy! (have faced bigger adversity and been hurt by more in my life).

    You guys here are amazing, your ability to accept people, their stories and be so forthcoming and kind leaves me at a loss for words!

    Thank you all again.

    I think I will stick around some

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