Help!!!

by marriedtoajw 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Roberta804

  Dear Married,

  My father went though the EXACT same thing you are discribing, but because he did not take the time to develop a relationship with us kids our only option was my mother and her religion. Work on your relationship with your kids, take them one by one out for breakfast or fishing or something where you have one/on one time. Do you really think your kids enjoy sitting at boring meeting? Readiing 3 grade material? Knocking on doors, and most importantly feeling limited in who they can become as an adult? Please believe me about this. Be interested in their education, take the lead by getting them involved in school activities or other sports or hobbies. It is easy for your wife to take the lead because she has the comfort of a cult to support her. That is NOT being a parent. A real parent takes the lead themselves. It is going to take work, but I tell you, your children are not stupid. You give them an option to the JW cult and they will go for it.
• 

  Sulla

  It sounds to me like the time has come to do that most radical of things: have an absolutely honest conversation with her. More likely, a series of absolutely honest conversations. It sounds very much like you have nothing to lose by being entirely honest. Your strategy of saying nothing has failed, it seems to me. So it is time to change strategy.

  You are afraid. I get it. Everybody is afraid when it comes to family, because it is so important.

  Stop being afraid.

  Stop being afraid and speak what is true. It is past time.
• 

  Adiva

  Nothing to add here but, I LOVE Roberta804's advice. 'Be a real parent and give them an option to the jw cult.' It might not work with the older one but, mr 12-year old would much rather be with his dad doing something fun than sitting at the watchtower study or knocking on doors. He's your son, too.

  Adiva
• 

  jgnat

  Hi, I've been married to my JW for ten years. I know some of what you are going to. One thing I refused to do was subsume my personality because of this religion. Hubby knows who I am, and respects that. I'm going to repeat some great advice already given.

  ...save yourself! Get yourself a life! Be happy! Maintain contact with your kids......that is the greatest gift you can give them. - Pickler

  If you value your marriage at all, I suggest you get counseling. If your wife won't go, go by yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is show them how a well adjusted person behaves, and open them up to other possibilities in their lives. - LisaRose

  Another poster mentioned children playing with fire. Your oldest likely will get burned before he learns. He needs you to be a stable example of life on the outside. Which means you need to become a stable example. Get strong.

  When a child asks why you don't go, be prepared for an answer. I suggest something short and sweet like, "Because I know it is not the truth." Let the wife have her drama. This is what you honestly believe, and you need to say it. Even if your child only hears it once.
• 

  Ding

  With an adult child, rather than telling them not to study with JWs, encourage them to study all sides of an issue before making a decision.

  Invite them to read Crisis of Conscience by Ray Franz.

  It's not written in an angry tone... quite the opposite, in fact.
• 

  sabastious

  The only way to fight back is to prove their doctrines wrong Biblically. Learn and teach to your children the message of Christ contained in the Bible which is all about love and communion. You deserve just as much time as the Watchtower with your kids, if they get more time with them you will lose the battle.

  The Watchtower makes you feel guilty that you are not doing what they say. This is what you must erode in your children. Get them to replace meetings with something fun, productive and with you alone where you can teach them the falseness of the Watchtower. I know you are tired, we all are, but the future is at stake.

  -Sab
• 

  bigmac

  speaking of my own experience. my born in wife divorced me 30+years ago. she successfully turned my kids against me. but--ive had all these years free of her--and that cult. now --our older son is D/F--is back in contact with me--she shuns him.

  ive recently been invited to his ( 2nd ) wedding---i never got invited to the other kids weddings.

  this cult aids and abets its brainwashed adherents to dispose of non-believing spouses---never mind the family wreckage that ensues.
• 

  marriedtoajw

  bigmac said - this cult aids and abets its brainwashed adherents to dispose of non-believing spouses---never mind the family wreckage that ensues.

  This is exactly why I feel I have nothing to lose at this point but to be more and more blatant with my true feelings about this org. My wife knows I don't believe the org. is the Truth but doesn't know I believe it's evil and dangerous. Every single time I have ever asked her questions about the doctrine, she was either stumpped or skirted the question. Perfect example was just after we got married and she told me she wanted to start studying with the JW's and she wanted to go to the memorial and asked if I'd go with her. At the time I was the supportive type so I said I would go but wouldn't study. I swear that I was taken a back right away. People were standing around talking and then a man went to the podium and announced they were ready to start and then almost instantly everyone went into robot mode. Everyone stopped talking, turned and walked to their chairs almost in unisin and a silent hush swept the hall. Now I was only 20 at the time and had rarely been to any other Churches other than to Catholic Mass and so I was just confused as I watched people pass bread and wine up and down the rows. I thought this was bizzar and I hadn't yet engaged in any theological study of this faith at the time or any other faith other than my own for that matter. When I asked her afterwards why they pass bread and wine and no one took of it, she shrugged her shoulders as if to say she didn't know. Many other examples I've brought up but never got real answers and so I would just drop it. It's things like this that happened a lot early in our marriage that I just knew she would drop all this but my wife's mother never let up on the guilt trip until my wife was finally dunked 5 years ago. Little by little it's been a downward spiral...
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  jgnat

  It took your wife fifteen years to get baptized? It sounds to me that she's got deep-down doubts, too. If I were you I'd get a better sense of the cultist mindset and how to talk to a Witness's natural self. Steve Hassan's books help with this.
• 

  BluesBrother

  Hi Marriedtoajw,

  Reading your post made me think of my father. He studied a while with my mother but declined to become a J W. For years while we grew up and on the religion was an unspoken gap between us Mum & kids on one side, and Dad on the other. It was the "elephant in the room" that we all knew but never spoke of . Dad lived his life and we lived ours, amicably in the same house, but different.

  Looking back after I finally awoke and stopped believing it all, I have wondered many times why he allowed that to happen. If he were still alive I would like to shake him and say "WHY, did you never dissuade us kids? If you had sussed out that it was all crap, for goodness sake WHY meekly allow your son to be indoctrinated with it all?

  At least he could have reasoned with us, asked leading questions to try and get us to think.

  Allow me to say that you owe it to your kids to try and help them . Nowadays it is easier, the objections are all over the internet . Ask to hear your kids student talks, take an interest, listen and then use it to ask the questions that get them to stop and think..

  As for you wife? maybe you can help her too. Maybe she is too far gone. Many are so entrenched that all the logical reasoning in the world will not change their entrenched beliefs.........But you owe it to them, especially the children , to try. It may prevent them wasting their life in that wretched cult the way that I wasted mine.

  Good Luck.....Blues.