by marriedtoajw 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • marriedtoajw

    I have come here for any advice and support that anyone can give and I really need it now. I don't talk about these issues with my siblings anymore because they have already told me that they have no advice and can't help. Feelings of anxiety have been overwhelming me the lat 2 years and it makes me feel like a scared little child. I work like a dog, gained 25 pounds cuz of my sit down job and depression and I look tired all the time. I feel like my wife has played me masterfully. Guys I have only been to 4 meetings with my wife in 20 years and never been a witness and I've been fighting it all this time. I never bought into it but everything that I know about the organization is all second hand information as far as testimonials. I question my knowledge, my tactics of heding the Org. all the time. My kids are being drawn in little by little by my wife and her family. I see the deceptions, theocratic warefare. As I've said in my previous posts, my 21 years old son is now going full steam with studying with them, outside of my home. They just skipped a meeting on Sunday for the first time in 8 months when she would only go once every 3 months before my son turned 21. Everything is changing as if it was all planned. My 12 years old son is now questioning me more and more about the Org and why I don't go.

    I didn't do anything religiously with my kids because of the strife I knew it would cause and because of the confusion I had for years as to what to believe. My wife has no idea how much I know now about JW doctrines or JW tactics and yet I still question what I know. We have horrible, just horrible communication when it comes to religion. I've gone our entire marriage always hedging always believing that the Organization is dangerous. I've spent countless hours of studying the bible, JW, doctrines and listening or watching testimonials while never commiting myself to anything, again just to keep peace. BUT THERE IS NO PEACE INSIDE OF ME!!! I NEVER KNEW MY WIFE!!! I let myself be decieved and with all that I have learned, I just can't sit bye and watch my kids get sucked in... What the hell do I do!!! I'm tired of being the calm one to keep peace. I'm tired of not assuming the headship and trying to be so careful with my wife when she sure as hell doesn't seem to care how I feel anymore. It's all changing folks. She's going for the jugular. Intellectually, I know what I should be doing but I'm exhausted emotionally and psychologically and things are getting worst.

    After 20 years, a full blown confrontation looks rediculous but that's how long I've been holding things in and walking on eggshells. I know everyone has to make their own decisions as to what to do but because I've delt with this so long, I let every little battle lost affect me. Every time they go to a meeting, I feel defeated. Everytime I see my son reading the literature, I feel defeated. It's all around me and I feel sufficated. Why??? Researching is pointless unless you act on what you know and I have yet to do that in any edifying way to myself. I know of no one who has delt with being with being married to a JW as long as I have withoug getting sucked in. I can see the hypocricy and false claims of authority. What the hell do I do... HELP!!!

  • skeeter1

    Breathe. Start with Steve Hassan's books. You can work with your children, all of them. To plant seeds and to question them. You may lose the oldest one, for a while. Do everything in person with the kids, with only you there. You are also an authority figure to them, and they need your opinion. but, you have to carefully craft it so they don't see you as Satan.

  • Retrovirus

    Hi Marriedtoajw

    I know of no one who has delt with being with being married to a JW as long as I have withoug getting sucked in.

    My brother was; his wife was "studying" when they married and is still totally in. Their marriage didn't survive - jws don't compromise - but both children avoided baptism and are "out". They always had his worldview as an alternative.

    Hopefully you have read the Cameron books. In any case, the way to win your children is to maintain the moral high ground. Be calm and respectful or everyone's beliefs, but . . ask questions. And ask difficult questions of your wife when the children are there.

    I'd guess she'll try all the typical jw tactics - changing the subject, answering something else, demanding the source of your information and dissing it. Never give her an "apostate" source or link to work with; use the dissinformation in the literature itself, or articles such as Candace Conti in the media.

    End with "I'd like to believe, but in all conscience, unless . . . . is cleared up, it's not possible".

    Do your children attend school? The evidence for evolution, and against a worldwide flood, is overwhelming.

    Finally, it seems you are feeling powerless - truly, you are not. Counselling might help here; it worked for me!

    Hope this helps, Retro

  • Pickler

    Hey married to a JW,

    If I didn't know better I'd say you are my dad, your story sounds exactly like my family. JW mum, very opposed dad. So maybe I can help a little bit by telling what happened in the next 20 years.

    All of us kids left the religion in our 20s, and we gradually established some sort of relationship with my dad.

    At 70 years of age my witness mother left my dad ( after 44 years ). This was allowed because I think she felt the marriage jeopardized her sanity. They Hated each other and have never spoken again.

    They are both so much happier, particularly my dad. You'd think at 70, why bother? But he has made so many friends and is finally having the social life he deserved to have. We haven't spoken to Mum for years, she is entrenched as a JW.

    I deeply wish that my dad had left when he was younger, why?

    When I was a kid I used to look at dad and see how angry he was all the time, yelling, scathing about the witnesses. This played right into mums hands as she constantly told us this was sadly an example of his worldly ways. Now I see how impossible it was for him in a house run by a JW, nothing like a normal family. When I asked him why he stayed, he said " to provide an alternative for you kids".

    I respect this reasoning, but I think what we needed was a rational, sane, calm adult providing the alternative, not anger. I also hated seeing the sh*ty life that he had. Kids want to see their parents happy!!!

    I'm sorry if this next part sounds extreme, but I haven't got much time so I'm going to be yourself! Get yourself a life! Be happy! Maintain contact with your kids......that is the greatest gift you can give them. Let them know you are there to talk to. It sounds like you have had a really bad time, your kids will be lucky to have a close relative who is not a witness, you will be there if they need you! Good luck!!!!!!

  • LisaRose

    I I was in an unhappy marriage for twenty eight years. I was Witness, my husband was disfellowshipped. I stayed due to the restrictive divorce rules of the dubs. I left the religion and him and my only regret is that I didn't leave sooner. My husband was whiny baby who refused to take responsibility for anything. He couldn't keep a job and was not interested in having any kind of real marriage. I enabled him by trying to be a good Witness wife. I was a doormat, in a prison of my own making.

    If you value your marriage at all, I suggest you get counseling. If your wife won't go, go by yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is show them how a well adjusted person behaves, and open them up to other possibilities in their lives. Your staying under these circumstances is not good for them, children know more than you think, they are being affected by this even if you don't say anything. I doubt your wife will accept counseling as the JWs discourage it, but at least if you go you may be able to figure out a way for you to communicate better with your wife and children. The current situation is not fair to you or your children, I think divorce might be better for everyone. But you will need help to figure that out, and support if you decide to leave
    .Good Luck

  • erbie

    Listen to the above LisaRose post and act on it as it is probably the best advice you can get.

    Always occupy the moral high ground and you will make their evil more pronounced.

  • marriedtoajw

    Divorce is looking more and more like a viable option as it was something that I would have never considered before. Yet, I have my own beliefs about the sanctity of marriage. I was raised Catholic which is even more restrictive when it comes to divorce than the JW's, which is why I've stuck around. I grew up without a father as he died in my pre-teen years. I also grew up with only older sisters and a my mother which I admit made me very seceptible to the needs of women. I allowed myself to be dominated by not being the jerk who left wife and kids. I know what it's like not to have a man in the house and my thinking was that I could never do that to my kids eventhough I would technically still be around.

  • zeb

    Lots i could add. but keep in mind everyone is on their own journey. If your 21 yo (cleans windows?) has no sense of reality that soon he will be suporting a wife and the kids that will come along and on what icome then this is of his own making. Yes you can still love them but you cant live their life. The child that keeps playing with the fire will get burnt.

    eregards walking on egg shells thats called marriage.

  • Pickler

    Marriedtoajw, you are good guy!

    I know it seems far less important than the major problems you are facing, but you said at the start you had gained weight due to your sedentary job. Could you try some exercise, or yoga, for both physical and mental benefits? You are under so much stress. I find yoga amazing, learning how to breathe and meditate could help you?

    Its a small thing, but may help make tackling the big things easier?

  • The Searcher
    The Searcher

    @ Marriedtoajw

    If you really want to reach your family's hearts and minds, apply Hebrews 4:12!!! It says that "the Word of God is alive and exerts power and is sharper than any two-edged sword and pierces even to the dividing of soul and spirit, and of joints and [their] marrow, and able to discern thoughts and intentions of [the] heart."

    Use the Scriptures to show your reasons for having serious doubts about who is claiming to be "the source of truth."

    Start with the simple ones first;

    1) "New Scrolls" - Rev.20:1-12 = There are no "new" scrolls, and they are used to judge the dead - not give the living new teachings, and they are not opened during the 1000 year reign!

    2) The circumcision issue - not resolved by a "Governing Body", but by Paul as he was directed by Holy Spirit to teach all those in Jerusalem what God's will was. Verse 2 sets the scene by showing that Paul was divinely contacted - not men in Jerusalem. Galatians 2:1-10!

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