I try to be a positive person but sometimes I just can't help myself. The other day, I was looking at TV and this show was on MTV. The show was called, "When I was 17". I didn't feel like turning the channel and so I started to watch it. The show featured celebrities remembering their times at that age. I started to cry- I have a hard time crying for anything - over the person telling their story of being in High School. I thought of my experience of being a JW and feeling like I was a outsider. Not being able to go to my schools sporting events, not being able to join any of the schools groups or clubs, and not being able to go to dances (especially the prom). I honestly teared up. I thought of all the times I had to tell teachers and classmates that I was different because of being a JW. I looked back on those times and I cried. I then became angry, with a rage that was burning in the deepest part of my bones. I hate the JW Organization with all my heart, mind, and soul! Those Fucking GB members.....ooh. IF it wasn't against the law to kidnap and torture people....man I would love to see them get that "SAW" treatment. Those bastards have deeply effected my life and MANY others. I now try to grasp on to the few years of youth I have left and catch up with the experiences I should have already have. Problem is.....I feel retarded. I feel socially inept. I thought I was getting better but it feels now that I haven't really made much improvement. I get around some friends I've made and I don't really have NOTHING to talk about. Most of their experiences in the REAL world have been like the plane flight that I've missed. I didn't feel normal while in the organization amongst my peers during my adolescence. I've never been real confident and constantly questioned my ability. It didn't help with the numerous things expected of you by the "brothers" in reaching out in the congregation. Going door to door was a pain in the ass and giving talks was like pulling teeth. I ABSOLUTELY hated going to the meetings. ABSOLUTELY hated them! I vowed to myself after fading away. That I would NEVER step foot in another Kingdom Hall for the rest of my life for ANY reason. Those Muthafuckas have stolen enough of my life and I don't plan on giving them anymore. I think of my life now and wish that I hadn't been so gullible and easy going. Wish I had been a rebel with "Independent thinking". Maybe I would have left a long time ago. I trully regret losing the good years of my youth to that religion. I look at some people's lives and see them being happy. I become bitter in this regard because of my regret and failures. I feel so pathetic. I do blame the JW but the percentage is like 60% of them and 40% of my fault. I should have been more out going and used my mind more. I was suppressed and cage in. I couldn't get away seem like.....even when I felt like leaving the Org. I hate some of those Witnesses who wouldn't leave me alone and latched onto me as "friends". They kept me in....in the times of my deepest doubts. I had a chance to finally wake up a few years ago and it feels late to me. I'm half way into my life and I really feel like a failure. I don't feel like I'm at the point where I want to be in my life. Dealing with finances because a lack of skill and education. Though I'm working on part of that now (I have licenses in Pest Control). I'm trying to get a decent job amongst this economy. Will have to work 2 because of some debt I got into with a loan for a school I wasn't able to complete. That's just on the financial side. The social side has been eating me up. I can make friends but being close and relating to them is a problem. My JW background will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind! I wish I could Marty Mcfly my ass back to when my parents were about to have me and stop them. Wishful thinking. I wish I could have a Avatar body of someone else (tall and handsome preferably) and live a new and normal life. I vent on this shit on this board because I know people have had the same feelings and can relate. I don't think people who haven't been JW can relate. I've tried talking to some before and they don't understand fully. It is what it is with my life. Damage parts sent to a repair shop. LOL I'm open for feedback.
Another Rant by Whathehadas
by whathehadas 13 Replies latest jw experiences
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david_10
Hello WTH. I've often said that finding out TTATT and actually leaving the organization (whether on your own or being kicked out) makes a person go through the Seven Stages of Grief. It seems like everyone goes through them to some extent or another. I think that you've already dealt with the "Shock & Denial" part. You've probably already gone through the "Depression" stage, although there is considerable overlapping and not everyone takes the Stages in the same order.
Right now, you're obviously in the "Anger" stage. You're making good progress. You're going to get through this. At the end is the stage known as "Acceptance & Hope", and you will eventually get there. But it takes time. Overcoming Watchtower addiction can take a long time, but you'll get there.
I remember when I left the organization and the truth of it all started to dawn on me, I literally wanted to kill somebody. I hated them all so much that I literally wanted to kill them. It's a good thing that I don't own a gun, or I might have, that's how angry I was. But I got through it. I'm a wiser and calmer person now, and I've noticed that most ex-Witnesses and recovering Witnesses have a wisdom and life view that very few other people in the world have................not all, but many (if not most) do have an enlightened view of the human condition after their experience as a Witness.
I think you're doing pretty good. I wish you well.
David -
whathehadas
I have thought about getting a gun. I have thought about killing them but......not in a normal means but a supernatural LOL. It is just fits of anger with the frustrations that life brings. I can't help but think of the past in the JW organization. Nothing I can do can erase that. I can't get the Men In Black pen and erase that part of my life. Those stages are on point with my initial feelings of finding the TTAT. I thought for awhile if this TTAT was Satan trying to trick me. Funny how a cult can mess with your mind
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clarity
Whathe ... you have a right to be angry, that is for sure.
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The audacity of this cult to make promises and set people
up for failure is criminal!
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Not sure of your age, but you sound like you have a lot of
life ahead of you. Many on here do not!
So maybe be grateful for that ...it ain't over for you!
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Who I think of, are those many families who have lost
relatives because of obedience to a lie!
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Can't imagine the grief and anger of parents who lost
children ..... because of the COMMAND to abstain from blood!
I feel soo sorry for them and that makes me feel so grateful
that, at least, this did not happen in my life.
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You 've got a life to live, so don't waste another minute thinking
about the watchtower publishing & realestate Co...
there is karma ... you know!
clarity
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princecharmant
Well, the programme interviewed celebrities, not "ordinary" people.
I grew up a witness and had a normal life, all said.
It might just be that your generalisations apply more to you than to everyone else.
We are not all celebrities.
pc
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Aussie Oz
rant is right!
Now, get it out of your system and move on. I mean that in the kindest way. You can remain trapped feeling like a victim and living a life of regret and bitterness or you can let go and move on with life.
Yes they stole your youth, they did mine too, from 10 to 36. I had to enter the real world like i was 17 again. I have built a pretty decent life since i left and i wouldnt 'marty Mcfly' at all. Change one thing and probably the life i have now with the people i have now would not exist.
It can be done, just don't compare yourself to other people. Not all worldlies are happy you know, sure they got to do all things you didn't but some are still messed up, many socially stunted for other reasons than religion etc.
Time to stop seeing yourself as damaged. You get to grow up a little later than most, but you still get to grow up.
Your Glass is half empty or half full...which is it to you?
Oz
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whathehadas
@clarity I do have a life to live gratefully. Putting the past behind me is not easy. I am trying to do so. I understand that there are other Ex-JW who left later than me. I know it hurts worst in that case.....to lose a big portion of your life to that cult. That's another reason for my rant. I feel bad not just for myself but the others.
@princecharmant They were ordinary people before celebrities. Their experiences weren't different than most people who never been in a cult. They may have had strict parents in some cases, but not like most of JW teens have. In my case, I know that some of the things I didn't experience was mainly my fault but still...being a JW aided to my lack of normalcy.
@Aussie Oz I do need to move on. I making a effort to but it's hard to escape from this witness past....it's harder than I thought. I'm making a drastic change soon, by moving out of state and away from a majority of links to my past.
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Pickler
Hey whathehadhas, I understand your feelings, I've had them too. We missed so much, then you are out in the world and you look the same but inside you feel so different. It hurts me too not just for myself, but the ones I grew up with, not so young now, still in.
Years after I left I was at university and I did some mental health subjects, I learned that a lot of mental health issues surface in early adolescence and some people effectively lose years of their lives, and have to "re enter" the world in their late 20s.
I was fascinated to learn that one of the biggest problems was not the stigma of mental illness, but catching up on the time lost.....social development, the things you were meant to go through & didn't. For example a guy might be in his late 20s and his social development might be that of a 13 year old. He then struggles to reconnect with his peers, he's left behind......didnt go to college/date/travel........sound familiar??
I remember sitting in those tutorials and having one of those lightbulb aha moments....that's what lots of us xJWs are like!!!!!
You havent had the "normal" type of upbringing, but its up to you to raise yourself from now on.
Do not ever blame yourself for time lost - its not your fault!!!
It sounds like you have some good plans for the future, good luck to you!!
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Pickler
Hey whathehadhas, I understand your feelings, I've had them too. We missed so much, then you are out in the world and you look the same but inside you feel so different. It hurts me too not just for myself, but the ones I grew up with, not so young now, still in.
Years after I left I was at university and I did some mental health subjects, I learned that a lot of mental health issues surface in early adolescence and some people effectively lose years of their lives, and have to "re enter" the world in their late 20s.
I was fascinated to learn that one of the biggest problems was not the stigma of mental illness, but catching up on the time lost.....social development, the things you were meant to go through & didn't. For example a guy might be in his late 20s and his social development might be that of a 13 year old. He then struggles to reconnect with his peers, he's left behind......didnt go to college/date/travel........sound familiar??
I remember sitting in those tutorials and having one of those lightbulb aha moments....that's what lots of us xJWs are like!!!!!
You havent had the "normal" type of upbringing, but its up to you to raise yourself from now on.
Do not ever blame yourself for time lost - its not your fault!!!
It sounds like you have some good plans for the future, good luck to you!!
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DesirousOfChange
WTH -- I totally understood your rant. Been there. Done that.
But........when I saw that you joined in 2009, and I'm assuming maybe lurked before joining, that's almost 4 years of knowing TTATT. It really is time to move on. You seem much younger than the majority here who did not discover TTATT until their 40s 50s 60s. You have a long life to live and seek happiness and prosperity. You cannot continue to blame the WTS forever. At some point YOU have to take responsibility.
Considering how long you have stuggled with these feelings, and not gotten past them, seriously consider some professional counseling. Try to find a counselor with experience in helping those who have been caught up in cults. Yes we are all "damaged goods", but not damaged beyond repair.
Good luck,
Doc