by Ranchette 32 Replies latest jw friends
oy, ranchy....my wife is going through some REALLY bad times right now, too. I feel for you, kid.
It's a combination of frustration with the bent of revenge to it....I just want these people to stop hurting my wife....I'm so damn tired of it, as I'm sure you are.
ashi
i agreee with you that your mom was out of control, but just trying to find a silver lining if possible, consider this.
the goal of the wt is to completely shutdown a jw from even speaking to their family who no longer want to be apart of the org.
while i can't imagine what it must have been like, AT LEAST AND I USE THIS PHRASE CAREFULLY "AT LEAST" SHE is still willing to speak to you, while not in anyway that a rational person would expect a mom to speak, but at least she has not moved into total shutdown mode
perhaps you may perfer that over what you went thru with her, but i truly believe that we many times have to reverse the tables on them
the only reason i am saying what i am about to say is that i know of some who have tried this with some measure of success.
will it work for you i don't know, but at least if you decide to try it - at this point there really is not much to lose.
I would call her and actually THANK HER for taking the time call you out of what she of course percieves as "Concern"-- i guess the point is trying to keep wt from completly shutting your line of communication down-
in fact that is why it is so important to the wt that they DF you or you DA yourself for the programming in them requires at that point that they shutdown
consider this if she was a dyed in the wool jw she would have turned you into the elders to be df for speaking against the org, but at least she has not done that cause it is clear she really doesn't agree 100% with that dogma, yet she is torn,
as has been mentioned I would never argue, like someone mentioned constantly reassure them of your love because WT has told them over and over for years THAT YOU DON'T LOVE THEM-
send her a card saying "I love you"
will it work i don't know, but i would never give my mom up to the Corp wishes of some clowns in ny who will when she is older kick her to the curb
YOU SEE YOU ALl Ready know that when she gets sick and older the congo will more than likely not take care of her.
just keep in mind that to her you are trying to take away "her shopping cart"
your mom is more confused than ever
here you are happy and content (as far as possible perhaps) and she can't understand it
and why well she has been told that she is part of the HAPPIEST folks on earth AND YOU ARE NOT
yet what does she see, you are "DOING FINE" IT GOES against everything that she has been trained to believe
when folks see me and my wife they expect us to be Separated and divorced, yet here were are with a big old grin on our face and waving at them as they Drag from door to door
"How in the hell can james and Lady "C" be happy , they don't go to any meetings or sell books like I am, and yet they are the ones grinning"
same with your mom - you have become nothing like she was told by wt that you would become since leaving, instead here you are peaceful
content and enjoying your weekends at lake and in your garden as it were, while she struggles to climb steps to sell books.
so i would suggest try to OVER KILL HER WITH LOVE and stay away from WT or WT issues, as they used to tell us CHANGE THE CONVERSTATION
WELL LETE US DO THAT TO THEM INSTEAD
the key in my exp is that WE CONTROL THE TEMPO and we cut it off when we want to-
we take away thier power- smile
consider YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN- your MOM
and if she ever comes out she will tell the story that many of us often relate here:
"I can't believe that i beleved that stuff and treated my family that way"
JUST A SUGGESTION\
JAMES
JT has said something I hadn't thought about before.
My mother is soo much like your's Ranchette. And I have been VERY angry with her over the years. But, as angry as I am, I still love her. She wasn't the BEST mother in the world, but she was MY mother. I don't want to talk about JW stuff, but I would like to have the option of talking to her. I don't want to take verbal abuse either, but I think I am strong enough now to act as Ranchette has and end the conversation should verbal abuse begin.
I think I will send my mother a card. Just to say I love her. She will be surprised. Whether it will do any good? No one knows. But I think it is a good Idea. I'll let you know if anything comes of it.
Thanks JT
-P(J)
First of all I want to say thank you to everyone.
Next I’d like to say that this is not a case of mom and daughter having a close wonderful relationship and then when daughter leaves the organization mom is left hurt.
The sad truth is she has been verbally and emotionally abusive with me all my life.
She also is this way with my sister and father.
I still love her but am getting stronger the longer I am away from her.
That being said I wanted to let yall know how I handled this situation.
I thought about what everyone has said and I decided to get a card to reassure her of my love and I also wrote a letter.
I am sharing both with you and anyone who thinks this is wrong can go to another thread now.
I did not try to address every issue she raised in our phone conversation but tried to stick to a main subject
This will be long and take up lots of space.
I don’t usually say a lot here so I figure I’ll make up for it now
When I went to the card store all I could find was sappy mushy cards that didn’t fit our relationship until I found this one.
They say
That the
Mother- Daughter
bond
is one of the
strongest.
They say it can never be broken,
NO
MATTER
WHAT.
And that
means
everything.
It means
its okay
if it takes a long time to understand each other on some things.
There are deeper things that are understood without saying.
And those are the most important.
It means some things don’t have to be understood or solved or perfect.
It means we just keep on loving each other through life.
Through everything
NO
MATTER
What!
The following is the letter I wrote her. Names and places are changed.
Mom,
Hello again.
This card seems to express my feelings very well. Looks like we have some work to do on our relationship.
It is not natural, normal, or condoned by God for you to cast your daughters away or judge them because they don’t believe the way you do. I understand that your religion is your life and that is fine but I made a choice over a year ago that I would no longer pretend to live something I don’t believe in.
You don’t have to agree with this but you should accept this and respect me for no longer being a hypocrite.
This would save you so much pain.
It is wrong to pretend to your family that you have a close relationship with your daughters when you don’t. You don’t approve of our choices in life and you’ve made that very clear. Since you believe your path is from God and ours from Satan, this tends to create a huge wall between us.
The coldness and distance you feel with your parents is not the result of anything I have done wrong.
I have been nothing but honest and I have no reason to cover up or protect the teachings of this religion. If they are right then let them stand as they are.
If you truly believe these teachings are scriptural as you claim then you should be completely honest with your parents about how you feel about my sister and I no longer being JWs and how your “conscience won’t allow you to have much to do with us.”
You’ve said these words to me twice.
No wonder you are so uncomfortable, your parents hear the truth from me and my sister and get a completely different version from you.
Think about this please.
Your parents love you just as they always have. They did their homework on the on the JWs years ago and they know the real truth about what they teach.
They can see right through you every time you try to make things look rosy to protect WT image.
Please be honest with yourself and stop blaming me.
I terminated our last phone conversation because you were completely out of control, hurling accusations and guilt trips. I couldn’t get a word in especially at the last.
I will not be your emotional punching bag anymore! I will hang up every time this happens in the future and I will walk out if we are in person.
It’s not good for either of us……….
Love,
Your daughter
Some may think this is harsh but I believe I have been too kind.
This is the second I have been called out of the blue and blindsided by her rantings on this subject.
She needs help from a DR and a firm hand from those that love her.
Ranchette
(((ranchette)))
great card and letter! nothing wrong with setting boundaries :) i hope your mother takes to heart what you've told her and realizes she is at risk of losing her daughter. respect is earned and you've earned yours, now it's your mom's turn. it's too bad many of our parents/families have such a hard time with the concept of respect.
love
harmony
hey jt, great post.
((((Ranchette)))))
I'm so sorry you have to go thru that ridiculous drama your mother insists upon. You said:
I will not be your emotional punching bag anymore! I will hang up every time this happens in the future and I will walk out if we are in person.Congrats for setting clear boundaries and letting her know what will happen if she doesn't respect them. The ball's in her court now.
It’s not good for either of us……
Pat
JT,
You are a very wise man. The advice you gave was excellent!!
Pandora
says:
I think I will send my mother a card. Just to say I love her
#######
hey you just never know, but at least you will have the freedom of knowing that you did your part
just a suggestion
james
Chester:
JT,
You are a very wise man. The advice you gave was excellent!!
chester
########
yea right, but thanks for the kind words
actually i got it from the society- years ago they used to put thier foot in folks doors who didn't want to listen, then they realized that you can catch more flies with honey than vinergar, so they now have wonderful, sweet and kind presentations
well the same technique works regardless of the motive, kindnss has always been known to break a bone
smile
james
Ranchette, I hadn't seen any posts from you in so long. So I looked up your latest and found this one I had never seen.
How are things going now that a month has gone by? I hope you're well. I miss you.
