Why 607 b.c.e. and 1914 c.e. are utterly true, correct and beyond question!

by Terry 14 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Terry

    Why 607 b.c.e. and 1914 c.e. MUST BE TRULY PROPHETIC DATES

    1914 is a very significant date for true believers. Here is why:

    Faithful and eager students of the Scriptures figured out (and "proved") Jesus would return to kill the wicked and reward the meek in 1874. The signs were obvious.

    (But, it didn't happen.)

    Jesus actually did return. But, he was now your invisible friend who could only be "seen" metaphorically. Get with the program, dudes!

    Don't blame Pastor Russell--blame JEHOVAH if anything goes awry!

    It was "god's date, not ours".

    (Armageddon? It didn't happen.)

    Yeah, but--umm....

    At least something happened!

    WWI began!! The First World War? You think that's chopped liver?

    Okay, back to the drawing board on the Armageddon part. What went wrong and what went right?

    Jesus returned invisibly---NOT in 1874 at all. (Forget that. Don't even think about it. It never happened. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.)

    Jesus returned invisibly in 1914!

    Remember that brief delay before Armageddon? You know, the one between 1874 and 1914? Well, we get to do it all over again. We will preach, promote, publish and pump it for all it is worth. Armageddon will come...hmmm....maybe in 1918!

    (Didn't happen!)

    Oh, Jeez. What now? Lemme see....got to think...got to think....hmmmmm.

    I know! I know!

    Jesus selected the group whom he would work with in 1918 based on their faithful preaching about the phoney date for Armageddon which was "God's date, not ours" and completely embarassing. He picked Judge Rutherford's hijacked corporation to be the new instrument of spreading the good news!

    Yeah, Baby!

    How close is the end? MILLIONS NOW LIVING WILL NEVER DIE!

    You can take that to the bank. After all, the corporation does!

    And, by the way, what we said about Russell being the "faithful and wise servant"......?

    That was... hasty. But, wait! We have it right... This time! (practice makes perfect, you see.)

    Judge Rutherford's hijacked publishing company contains the real "Faithful and Wise Servant". You see, they are a kind of...umm....well...conglomerate anti-type.

    Get it? The "Servant" isn't a person---singular (you silly blockhead!) but an Antitypical group...sort of. The Judge calls all the shots. And drinks quite a few too!

    We are chosen directly by King Jesus to spread the only TRUE messege about his kingdom. Jesus himself is directing our message. (And...um..Russell from heaven...cough cough..)

    What? You say, "What is the message Jesus is directing"?

    Hang on while we bend over and reach up into our ...um....mouthpiece...

    Armageddon is any second now (we'll explain more about that eventually). The important thing is the ANCIENT WORTHIES will be resurrected by 1925. And, wink wink--nudge nudge you know what that implies don't you?

    For the resurrection to take place.......ARMAGEDDON has to have taken place!

    Yeah, baby!

    We shall provide a mansion in San Diego for Abraham and the other righteous dudes to live in. President Rutherford will keep everything cozy for them until they claim their homestead.

    (Nothing happened!)

    Ummm, cough cough. Uh....guess what? Rutherford is humble enough to admit he made and ass of himself. Isn't that inspiring?

    The actual and for real message we are supposed to preach has been right there in front of us all this time and ONLY NOW has King Jesus seen fit to reveal it through us.

    Extra! Extra!

    Read all about it: we are now not simply Christians. That ain't good enough. No way. We are JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES! And the Governing Body? The mediator between you and the Mediator!

    Our job (now) is to publish the good news about JEHOVAH! We'll uncover the fact that Jah is the editor of our illustrious Watchtower Magazine! (Russell? Russell who?)

    If you thought King Jesus did a great job giving us New Light---just wait until Jehovah starts pumping revelation and prophecy onto our pages of Truth!

    We shall prove we are special and different from other so-called Christians.

    1.We are the only ones who spread true prophecy by the direction of the King in the name of his Father Jehovah. (That stuff about 1884, 1914, 1918 and 1925 proves it because we were EAGER FOR PROPHECY to be fulfilled! You see? Accuracy isn't as important as eagerness.)

    2. We are different. We don't use aluminum cookware! We don't believe germs cause disease. We won't let our children risk recovery in the emergency room; we'll deny blood transfusions. We will shave off Jesus' beard and tear off 1/2 the cross and make it a "torture stake". We'll urge door to door insulting of other people's beliefs and hold ourselves up as the only people with pure worship. Like what? We won't indulge in charity activity, won't build schools or universities or hospitals. We'll do important things instead. Like what? Ummm, we'll sell the Awake! and Watchtower with all this "eager" stuff in it!

    3. We'll get ourselves arrested whenever possible and, even though we don't support government by our vote, we'll leech off "religious liberty" from the Supreme Court.

    4.The Superior Authorities in Romans 13, by the way, is not state government. Ohhh nooo. It is Jehovah God and Jesus Christ. We know that because we alone have King Jesus and his father Jehovah whispering true Truth in our ears.

    5. Ummm.....The New Light...update...is that Romans 13 actually refers to the state government and not to Jehovah God and Jesus Christ. We know that because....ummm......oh screw it!

    6. Keep busy!

    7.Okay, we need money. To get money (for Jehovah's work, of course) we are now prepared to hint and insinuate when Armageddon will happen and THIS TIME we will be 100% accurate. See our chronology prepared by the anonymous bible scholar X? (Pay no attention to that Freddy Franz behind the curtain at night classes in city college.) The date is 1975.

    8.We really mean it. This time.

    9.It's gonna come. Be ready. Sell your houses, quit your jobs and Pioneer!!!!!

    (Nothing....at all.....happend)

    10. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............We were really eager about this and you guys ran ahead of us and ASSUMED something that didn't happen. SHAME ON YOU! You bastards!

    11. Get busy! We are watching everything you do. It isn't US that has the problem you doubting Thomases! It is YOU! Tow the line. March in step or we'll put your name on Abaddon's list of "goats to smash at Armageddon".

    12. Armageddon is still coming. We know this because we are the only religion on earth that has a 100% record when it comes to Bible Prophecy. (100% eager if not competely in alignment with demonstrable occurance.)

    All those Internet rumors about 607 B.C.E. not being a true starting point for figuring the year 1914 are meaningless. Why? Because they contradict god's true religion: Jehovah's Witnesses. How do we prove that? Easy.

    We are Jehovah's Faithful and Discreet Slave. We know that because we predicted that 1914 was an important date. Well, dammit, 1914 WAS an important date. We got that part right.

    Therefore, everything else we have ever said doesn't matter because we got one little part of 1914 right. See, smartass?

    If 607 B.C.E. is not a real date....then HOW did we get that one little part of 1914 right?

    Huh, huh? Well? Huh? Instead of the war of Armageddon we got "the war" part spot on!!

    Our famous "NEW LIGHT" proves we are fearless when it comes to revealing the mind of Jehovah and this fearlessness is evident by our never being sorry when we are utterly wrong.

    Sure it SEEMS like we are false prophets bringing shame on the name of Jehovah because we publish our human opinion and pass it off as Truth-----but, that isn't important!! Here is the only important thing: APOSTATES are spreading tales in attacking the Governing Body. This proves they are siding with Satan. How? They oppose us! Simple.

    And, last but not least.....

    Whatever we say you have to do even if what we ask you to do is wrong. Why? Because it proves you are mild tempered and obedient. Only a person who thinks for themselves would dream of going against us. And that would prove they were Apostate. And, um, evil mental defectives!


    1914 is a very important date because:

    1.We say so.

    2.We always said so- even when we were wrong about most of it.

    3.We can only be the Faithful and Discreet Slave if 1914 is true. So, man, it GOTTA be true!

    4.For 1914 to be true-- 607 B.C.E. has to be true. If it is wrong it is only because it looks wrong and cannot be proved----and not because it is actually wrong.

    5.Stop asking about it!! You are really pissing us off.

    6. MILLIONS NOW DYING WILL NEVER LIVE! (Remind us to explain overlapping generations sometime. Bring aspirin!)

    End of discussion.

    Coming soon: Armageddon (we are eagerly optimistic and possibly accurate).

  • Terry

    So....I made it too long, huh?

  • tec

    Lol... no, its pretty good ;)

    For my part, I don't usually open threads about the 607 or 1914 dating to prove jws right, because these are not what proved anything to me. Not my strength.



  • Terry

    I think mockery is actually a more potent weapon than slogging through 14 pages of which king reigned for how long according to so-and-so's chronicle

    as recorded by some guy with too many consonants and reported later by Josephus (although he didn't actually have those records in front of him and was

    writing from memory at the time.)

    Know what I mean, Vern?

  • Defianttruth
  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz


    marked for a return visit!


  • EdenOne

    LOL Terry, you should write theatre plays.


  • Vanderhoven7

    Filed as: An Insider View of WT History

  • brinjen


    I agree Terry. I believe satirical comedy to be one of the most powerful weapons out there. Brilliant, just brilliant.

  • crazycate

    Hilarious and very sad at the same time.

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