humour--UK style

bigmac

two young pioneers in the congregation decided to get married.
all the congregation were overjoyed with this--and they all clubbed together and bought the young couple a toaster.

wasblind

That's probably the only thing a bunch of unemployed pioneers could buy

THE GLADIATOR

Two young pioneers were thirsting after righteousness so they walking into a bar and said, “Ouch!”

It was an iron bar.

St George of England

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

St George of England

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

cofty

A man is just about to tee off at the 16th when he sees a funeral procession driving along the perimeter road.

He puts is driver back in the bag, takes off his cap and bows his head. Once the cars had passed his friend says to him, "that was very respectful, I'm impressed".

The man replies, "ah well we were married for 30 years"

cobaltcupcake

You guys are cracking me up. I'm not from the UK, but I think this joke works no matter which side of the pond you're on.

A publisher, a pioneer, and a Bethelite walk into a bar and order a beer.

Just as they're about to start drinking a fly lands in each of their glasses.

The publisher snorts, "That's disgusting! " and orders another beer.

The pioneer picks the fly out of his beer and drinks it anyway.

The Bethelite picks up the fly and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

St George of England

That's a good one cobaltcupcake.

Here in the UK it's generally told as an Englishman (publisher), Irishman (pioneer) and a Scotsman (Bethelite).

The Scotsman of yells "Spit it oooot!"

George

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating." her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"A Daddy Longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well," she said, "that may be okay in Brighton , but we're not having any of that sh*t in Surrey ..."

bigmac

a pioneer accidentally dropped a 10 pence ( 10 cents ) coin.

as he bent down to pick it up--

--it bounced off the back of his head.

humour--UK style

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