Timmy,s letter to Santa

by jam 13 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • jam

    Dear Santa,

    How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from

    the reindeers to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good

    boy this tear. I would like ab x-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV

    and an iPhone 4 for Xmas. I hope you remerber that come

    Christmas Day. Merry Christmas. Timmy Jones

    Dear Timmy:

    Thank you for your letter. Mrs Clausm the reindeers and elves

    are all fine and thank you for asking. Santa is a little worried

    all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa

    wouldn,t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good

    boy, I think I,ll bring you something you can go outside and play

    with. Santa

    Mr. Claus,

    Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract set

    by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way

    clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn,t

    want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don,t

    you think that A jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man

    who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

    Mr Jones.

    While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria" need

    I remind you that Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a

    guarantee of sevice provided. Should you wish to pursue legal

    action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my

    attorny's have been on retainer ever since th Burgermeister

    Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take

    you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to

    will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

    skills and potentially help clesr up a complexion that looks

    like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

    Very Truly yours, Santa.

    Now look here Fat man,

    I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

    attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks

    and my freinds into this. Now you just be disrespecting me.

    I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for

    your fat ass and I.m taking my game console, my phone and

    whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!


    Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house

    in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a

    skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you,re

    sleeping; He knows when you,re awake". Sound familiar,

    genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my

    disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around th world

    and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right

    now, you,d throw up your Totino.s pizza roll all over the

    carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what

    you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp

    a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on

    that, Petunia. S Clizzy

    Dear Santa,

    Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

    Dear Timmy,

    That's what I thought you little baster.


  • trillaz

    Funny as hell

  • fakesmile

    lol. can we get a "night befo crimmis in the ghetto" poem?

  • fakesmile

    It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park
    Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
    Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,
    In hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

    The kids was alseep in their NASCAR pj's,
    Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies, and RC's.
    And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap
    Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fourtune and a nap.

    Then out in the vacent lot I heard such a commotion
    I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.
    I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,
    Busted out the screen and hollered for Blue.

    The moon was shinin' down on my old wrecked cars
    So bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.
    And I couldn't believe my own hardworking eyes
    When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky!

    Faster'n Ole Ironhead hs possums they came
    And he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name
    Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
    On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!

    To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed!
    Now move it! Step on it! Y'all get out the lead!
    You know how, on our road, when a car goes by,
    There's all this dirt flies up into the sky?

    That's how this crew went staight on up to my roof
    With that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
    Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I heard up on the tin
    The scrabbling around of them Flying possums of his'n.

    I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts...
    Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!
    He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet
    And I had to give him credit he still had most his teeth.

    Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back-
    There was flyswatters an' Tupperware an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
    His eye took in our humble home
    The furniture we bought on layaway in town...

    Earline's pride, that Elvis on velvet...
    My collections of barbed wire... and license plates made by relatives.
    I coulda' swore I even saw a glistening tear
    When his eye fell on sweet Earlene, a snorin'in her chair.

    He kindly favored Hank, Jr., with a big round belly
    That shook when he laughed like a blob of K-Y jelly.
    Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out our whole Large screen TV,
    And I had to laugh when I saw him, 'cause he looked just like me!

    When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he'd treat us right-
    Why, he might even leave me some ammo tonight!
    I stood there dreamin' of whitetail while I watched him work,
    Then he stopped and, like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

    He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
    Then squoze up that dryer vent like spam in your pocket.
    He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn...I'm not lying'!
    And they took off like white lightnin' with their possum tails flyin'.

    But I heard him holler as headed for the 7-11....

  • MrFreeze

    Haha, thank you all for the laughs.

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite

    Funny stuff!

  • fakesmile

    where are all of the race crusaders over the redneck christmas poem? it is ok when it is against white trash, huh? come on, all of the bleeding hearts. where is the castration? oh, its ok now? this was a personal experiment. is it ok to make fun of whites? every person who has something to say about racism is a racist themselves. it seems that whitey can handle a joke. the rest of the hypocrites... about 130 of them can kiss an @$$.

  • fakesmile

    how about this one? was the night before cinco de mayo and all thru the barrio. not a vato was there, they was all jackin' carios. the tequilla was empty and the liquer store was fario.

  • trillaz

    fakesmile you probably don't haev a majority race who is always on the offensive for you. A majority race who is always out to see what the minority will do. You probably don't have a majority race who thinks so less of you. You have to wonder what that person, if they were in authority, might do. You seem to be the type who wants to "even the score" and "take back America". When redneck becomes associated with an oppressed race by those who hate through murders, lynchings, or whateve scheme you have, call me.

  • wasblind


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