I've posted on here at times in moments of dispair and anguish over what is happening in my life being married to a JW. I've everperienced countless moments of depression, anxiety and even entertained suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts at one time to me was unthinkable and a sure sign of desperation. Now being the man and the husband and father of 4, technically the spiritual authority and welfare of my children s mine... Yet because of my theological ignorance and lack of understanding of JW tactics early in my marriage, I dug a very very very deep whole for myself in not practicing my faith for fear of a serious spiritual division and upst in my home. Educating myself into all things theological, well as much as possible, nothing has done any good. Why??? Because my children are the most important people in my world and a divided spiritual family was never an option in my mind.
So when my wife began studying with the JW's off and on just two years after our marriage, I became spiritually stagnant. I've spent years hedging against the JW mindset, encourageing education, extra cirricular activities, etc. My 21 year old son was a second year college student, although at a community college, played in little league and was a high school basketball mvp. I encouraged it and didn't make him get a part time job during high school so he could have time to persue his basketball dream. Since his graduation 3 years ago he was never able to find a job, although he was very picky in that regard. Once he turned 21 all the pretences dropped and his room became filled with WT stuff and attending every meeting with his mother.
Then just 3 days ago, he got a call back for a job he applied for and then got it. The problem was that he had planned, unknown to me, to go to Arizona this weekend to visit his JW grandparents and aunt and uncle, my wifes family, to attend a comic book convention with his uncle, whom I was refered to as a childless 35 year old going on 22. He struggled with the decision of taking this job, because it interfered with his school schedule but because we have had such a hard time financially, I advised him to dump school for now until he can reschedule his classes in the spring to accomadate work. His first day of work was the next day Friday. He went to work and came home and talked about how the job was ok but he was upset that he would miss the Arizona trip because of this job.
So he decides not to take the job and instead told me that he might want to move to Arizona but he's not sure. He wanted to move out there and take it week to week while living with his grandparents. I feel like this was all a set up. How could my own family who'm I sacraficed so much for and worked so hard for decieve me in this way. I know most people might have either converted years ago or ended the marriage by now but I can't. My kids mean everything to me and I feel as if I've failed so miserabley. I can not discribe to you just how I felt but I wasn't completely shocked. I predicted this would happen a couple of years ago but had hoped and hoped I would be wrong. I was hoping he would see the light about this religion but the few times we discussed it, he listened but brushed it off. I've read some study notes in his room and Watchtower mags and publications with underlines in it. I know he's been studying for a while, even though I told my wife how I objected to it 3 years ago. I work 50 - 60 hours a week and have been for years with little to no help from my wife so it has been hard keeping up with what's going on in his head.
I literally have no money so my wifes sister paid for a train ticket and he left to go out there Friday night. MY SON IS GONE!!! I cried like a baby that night as if I don't know when I will see him again. My wife is acting hurt as if she didn't really want him to go either but with Theocratic Warfare and all, what am I to believe??? All my fears are coming true and I still don't know how to stand up to all of this without wrecking my family. I've conseded almost everything to keep peace. I know that things can still change but I just don't think so. Too much time has gone by, too much has been invested by my wife and her family, too much manipulation taken place. My marriage is over if I don't convert because I know I can't keep going on like this.
I drink too much, I got a dui last year because it got out of control. My wife was sitting in the car with me when I got pulled over and can you believe that she even clapped. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. When I asked her why she clapped, she said that she meant it as a "Wow, what else can go wrong for us". Huh??? My youngest boy, 11 years old, plays little league winter baseball and his games are always on Sunday. My wife goes to the meetings and misses his games and because baseball is all my idea, I take him. I feel like all is lost and I"ve just been out played in a mind manipulation game that I didn't even know I was playing in until the score was probably already out of reach. My wife and her family love this religion. How do I let it go on.
I think that even talking about doctrines and such is not even useful at this point. Christians, please pray for me and Athiests just wish me well but any and all advise is helpful...