The Bryant tragedy has really been stuck in my head and heart this week as I'm sure it has been for all of us. It occured to me though that there may be some here or lurking that do not understand what made Robert do what he did. There may be some who think that his was an isolated incidence of severe untreated mental illness and have nothing to do with his being disfellowshiped. I know that the some understand the pain of being df'd but this is my personal experience for those few lurking or reading who may not believe Roberts situation can happen at anytime and is not unusual. It may very well be that it was a case of mental illness but it is a fact that being raised in the truth and then being df'd in many cases CAUSES that mental illness.
i dont know if i ever shared this with the board cause its still a painful period of my life to think about and because i've blurred and blocked out a lot of the painful details, but after i was df'd a couple years ago i seriously considered doing to my young baby and myself what bryant did. in fact in my jc meeting i cried uncontrollably and told them i wished myself dead because of what i had done. those loving, christian shepherds just left the room and then returned to tell me to just go home and get some sleep and they would continue the meeting (or rather the 'grilling' of me for details about my sexual encounter that resulted in my son) another time.
i was distraught and could barely see to drive home through the tears and puffiness of my eyes. my son was three months old and i just wanted to hold him so badly and that is the only thing that kept me from driving into a tree that night.
i never went back to another jc meeting after that and would soon be df'd because of it.
being clearly convinced that the elders only do what they do under jehovahs spirit direction i was convinced of the fact that i was unworthy of life and was the most wicked person in jehovahs eyes. so wicked in fact that my prayers begging to die in my sleep were unanswered because it was too good an ending for me. i thought having to suffer and live alone and abandoned in this world was a much more fitting punishment for a disobedient, evil person like me.
As much as Jehovah hated me, I hated myself even more. My scars are pretty faded now but at one time I had to wear long sleeves all the time because I had carved the word "HATE" into my arm with a knife. I didnt mind the pain, I deserved it afterall. All thats left of it is a part of where I underlined it.
On the surface I tried to cover up the pain, depression and everything else and just put everything I had into being a good mom. But it was an impossible task. I started to have panic attacks and thought I was going out of my mind.
I finally confided in my oldest sister and a coworker who had taken a sincere interest in me. I never had a close relationship with any of my siblings and I have never had a heart to heart type talk with anyone in my family. I couldnt face my sister to tell her what I wanted to tell her so I wrote an email to the coworker about a lot of the things I was going through with the depression and panic attacks and I sent my sister a copy of it and just said 'i wanted you to see this' or something like that.
My sister called the overseer in charge of my case at the KH and wanted to know why my case hadnt been closed and me reinstated. She later told me what they told her..that it was because I was hiding and refused to call them back and meet with them again. My sister sent me a couple of email links to articles on Post Partum Depression. And that was the extent of her attempt to help me. We never spoke of my situation again after that one time.
I couldnt bring myself to get over my fears and meet with them again so I was eventually df'd.
i was distraught and it was a wordly person i met online that befriended me and became like a mother to me when everyone else i knew turned their backs on me. we were friends for months. i mentioned to her once that i had thoughts of doing something like bryant did and you know what she did? she called the police and had them come and forcibly take me to the local psychiatric hospital. I was strapped down to a gurny and committed just like you see on tv.
I was angry at her only for about half a day before I realized that this woman cared more about me and my childs life than anyone in my family or in the congregation that I spent almost 20 years of my life in. She didnt care how angry I was going to get or that she could possibly lose me as a friend and daughter figure forever. all that mattered to her was my life and my sons life.
I honestly believe that if I had said those things to my own family they would have been too embarrased to get me any help. The prideful family name would have been at stake. They couldnt have everyone know that one of the _____'s was getting professional psychiatric help. Thats why what my sister knew about my state of mind was kept hushed and only whispered about.
But this woman who only knew me for the worst 6 months of my life taught me that true unconditional love is stronger than pride.
I admit that I never came out and told my family that I was suicidal or homicidal so I cant say with 100% certainty how they would have reacted to those specific words. But I've no doubt that my family would have stayed in prideful denial until they were looking at my corpse.
Anyway, I ended up losing custody of my baby because of my homicidal thoughts. It nearly killed me not being trusted to be alone with my own son. I dont think I could have ever done anything to harm him and it hurt so much to be treated like a criminal. But I realized that it was the way it had to be and I just did everything required of me to get him back.
I never mentioned to any of the several psychiatrists and counselors that I had to see that I was an df'd jw and that that was the root of my problems. I just took the pills and talked to them as much as was necessary to become emotionally stable. The drugs actually did help a lot with the chemical imbalance caused by the jw situation.
for the next year or so i managed to keep myself pretty balanced and was ok with the fact that my son and i would die at armageddon. i gained comfort from the fact 1. that i was just like 5+ billion other people and 2. death was just the common grave of mandkind..there was not a burning hell for evil people like me.
i was pretty much floating through life in that cloud last holiday season when i started to get depressed again. it didnt seem that i was giving my son any of the things i wanted him to have before he died. we had to move back in w/my family because i got so behind financially when i stopped working during the 'mental breakdown' if you want to call it that. so he still wasnt having anything that other wordly kids had. FUN for one.
i sat alone in my room in tears on christmas day and started to feel all those old feelings coming back. this was supposed to be our xmas. i wanted him to feel and be surrounded by love and family on christmas day. i wanted to see his eyes light up when he saw the lights on the tree. I wanted us to watch Rudolph or some other such silly movie together. i knew he wouldnt get many toys cause i couldnt afford him but it wasnt about the toys to me. it was about the specialness of the season. thats all I really missed when I was a kid..the bonding, the spirit, the love and how close families were. i was starting to sink fast...the past ideas flashing before my eyes and mind.
then i logged onto to the computer and found an xjw site and here i am more at peace and more full of hope and dreams for the future than ever before.
sites like this save lives and it breaks my heart that its too late for Robert Bryant and his family. But there are people df'd every day. How many of them still believe the LIE? How many are suffering from guilt and self hatred and loneliness? How many have no one to turn to except us?
I wonder if its possible for current elders who are here staying in the org for the sake of family to get their hands on the publishers records to see who has been df'd so that they can be check on and helped if need be. Is there a PO or DO or CO that knows the truth about the 'lie' and could help in that regard?
I just feel like there should be something we can do to prevent this kind of tragedy from happening again.
sorry this is so long
flower