What should I do??? Help!!

by Delite2k 20 Replies latest social relationships

  • butalbee

    Okay, guess, I can say I'm very well experienced in your current dilemnia. Although, in my relationship, we never went all the way, he believed in sex after marriage. It was the best time in my life w/ him but also the worst. Eventually, he'll want you to convert, and that's when the trouble will really begin. This is a fact, not my opinion.

    I find it incredibly hard to believe that he would have sex if he was an active witnesses, the guilt factor would overwhelm him. I don't believe their is anything like a weak or strong dub, cuz the religious convictions live on in their brainwashed head regardless.

    I decided for my own mental health to break up w/ him, and even though I still am maddly in love with the idiot, and him with me, there is no way in hell we can be together, the religous crap seems unimportant now, but it will soon bombard you.

    Sometimes, love is letting that person go, true love anyway in my opinion. I love and miss him, but I can't be what he ultimately wants me to be, and he won't meet me half way.

    If you need someone who has been through it and then some w/ a crazy relationship w/ a dub, please email me, my email is always open.

  • Frenchy

    First, welcome to the board. Some of us are reluctant to answer such questions because of having been ‘baited’ with them so often in the past. However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and take you at your word since that is what I would want.

    There have been some good points made here by other posters. It’s difficult for one who has never been JW to understand the level of commitment that is involved. It is impossible for one who was never a JW to understand the mindset of those in the religion. (I was in it for forty years.) So please pay close attention and dwell very carefully on the things you read here.

    I would suggest that you do talk to him about his religion. I would ask him outright if his religion condones extramarital sex. He will probably be very uncomfortable being confronted with this but he will have to deal with it sooner or later and it’s better that he does it sooner. Ask him if he believes that he will be saved at Armageddon and ask him what he thinks will happen to you then. Ask him if he would like for you to join his religion and then ask him if you could be baptized and still be doing what you are doing. Ask him if he asks God for forgiveness for what he’s doing. These questions will be very uncomfortable but will force him to face what he is pushing out of his mind for the time being.

    Of course, your religion condemns extramarital sex too. Perhaps you disagree with that particular teaching of your religion and for the most part your religion will pretty much turn a blind eye to it. HOWEVER, such is not the case with JW’s. A Witness must accept the ENTIRE body of teachings of the faith. It’s an all or nothing situation and herein lies the important difference. He KNOWS that there is no salvation for him as long as he continues this type of conduct.

    One more word of caution. Even if he should suddenly deny his faith and formally withdraw from the religion (it’s called disassociation) there is always the possibility that he will return, so deep is the indoctrination. As a matter of fact, a file will be kept on him and once a year there will be an effort made to contact him to see if he would like to return.

    Good luck to you.

  • AvailableLight


    How do you pronounce your username, anyway?

    I want to say two things in response to your post: 1.) I appreciate and empathize with what you have been through. 2.) "Active" witnesses are very capable of leading a double life, i.e. having sex outside of marriage and keeping it a secret. There most definitely are differing degrees of religious conviction among JWs. From an outsider's perspective this may be difficult to accept because they all *seem* so indoctrinated. But believe me, many of the kids I grew up with and many others I have known over the years had sex before they were married.

    In some of their cases, they simply got caught up in the heat of the moment, and as you mention, felt tremendous guilt afterwards. Some others on the other hand have sought non-JW sexual partners and kept it secret.

    I would not say the the above examples are extremely common, as they are not. But it does indeed happen.

  • Delite2k

    Thanks to everyone who replied to my posts.

    My religion does condemn extramarital sex, and its not that I disagree with that, its just chose not to commit to that. (I'm not a bad person though) I also know that I wouldn't be disfellowshipped, and noone is in my business or forcing me to be comitted. In saying that I have another situation: At my job there's a good handful of JW including a manager. Some folks have noticed how we hang together I found out that we're being closly watched. She asked 2 of the JW's there (one, a person thats not even related to him and two, his cousin, who by the way he wants to get with me too, but she dosen't know that) to try to talk to him. I told him what I found out and he was furious. I honestly had to convince him not to confront he manager about this. He said well if she ever confronts him or me herself he's going to curse her out. He can't stand her. Who do she think she is to try and get in my business?

  • Farkel

    : First of all I am seriously asking a question because I have never been involved with a JW before nor have I known one personally.

    I have.

    "Run, Forrest! RUN!"


  • Adonai438


    As a christian woman myself, I have to ask, what is it you are looking for from this man? Are you looking for a friend, a boyfriend, a lover, or a husband?
    I'm not being sarcastic--honest--Many people divide these and put them in various orders.

    I ask because if you are a comitted christian--and by that I mean committed to God and have put your faith in Christ--wouldn't you want a man that is of similar faith as you? Not to be exclusive or snobish and not that you can't truly love a non-christian but in a intimate relationship like lover, husband, etc.. there is just always going to be that spiritual connection missing. JWs are NOT christians. If there is any question in your mind about that we can talk
    The Bible also teaches strongly of the dangers of being unequally yoked. There will be many hardships in a relationship like that.

    I personally don't agree with pre-marital sex and it is possible and best to wait until marraige. I know it is possible because I did wait, and I have been happily married for going on 4 years now. And as you have already recognized, christianity/the Bible doesn't support pre-marital sex either. There are many good reasons for this but I'm not going to preach about it cuz' it's your decision & that is between you and God. I don't think you are a bad person. We all have weaknesses. No one is perfect and we aren't saved by how good we can be. It's our faith in Jesus that matters. We should out of our love for God be trying to live our lives in accordance with his word but it's his grace that saves.

    I don't know you personally, so I don't know where your heart lies in regards to God. If it's just a church for you then biblical warnings and teaching won't really be that important to you. If it is a real commitment and love for God then all I can say is pray and read your Bible for guidance on the matter. God will answer you much better than I can. If you need to talk or want some insight into JWs or the Bible please e-mail me,
    WELCOME to the board ,
    God bless,
    Angie <><

  • LDH

    A quick test to see where his loyalties lie.

    Tell him you feel guilty about having pre-marital sex, and you've already confessed it to your preacher. Tell him you wish him to go confess it to the elders, or volunteer to do it for him.

    That should tell you all you need to know.


  • Delite2k

    Thanks to all who responded. I didn't think dating a JW would be such a task. If there's anymore suggestions, please feel free to post. I'm still in the process of figuring out what to do, especially iwth the job situation (refer to my post before this one)and i'll be checking out other posts as well.

  • rhett

    I've been the guy you're dating. Well, at least in that situation anyways. Coming from experience, the only advice I can give you is RUN!!!! Save yourself the trouble that will come at a later time. If he really cares about you let him come back should he ever decide to leave the JW's on his own but until then DO NOT stay with him. If there's one thing I regret more than anything else I did as a JW it would be the way I treated the wonderful girls I dated because they weren't JW's. I've since apologized to the ones that actually matter and I know how to get in contact with which just goes to show how great they are but do yourself a favor and find someone who won't feel ashamed to be with you.

    Back down the bullies to the back of the bus
    Its time for them to be scared of us

  • Delite2k

    I wonder why did he choose a non-JW over a JW.....Especially when he knows he's really not suppose to, but why?

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