THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE. Certainly one of the most complicated in the world. (Sorry for my English, I'm French)
I grew up in the truth, and had the enormous chance to have open-minded JWs parents, but not enough i guess.
When I was a little little kid, I never had a crush on little girls, but on little boys like me. To me I wasn't really a boy, I was a girl, and I felt "normal" at this time. My parents always told me that I was a boy, but I never really understood, since I the day when everybody understand what is the difference between boys and girls.
I met my "sister" when we were kids. Her parents was also JWs, and were close friends. We grew together and the more we were the more we kmew that we would always live together no matter what. But, at this time we were young, and I never told her about who I really was.
Things starter to be tought when I really undertood who I was. I was a boy, and I had feelings for other boys. I knew that it was wrong, and that Jehovah's hate homosexuallity. I spent nights crying, asking Jehovah to kill me because I wasn't good (things that a 8 year old kid shouldn't think about). I felt bad. At school boys were laughing at me, telling that I was a fag. I only had girls friends, I was happy with them, I was felling like I belong to them. But sometimes even girls were rejecting me. I was a monster.
I was praying, crying, asking God to make me fall asleep and be a girl the morning after, as I knew that nothing is impossible for him. Of course that never happened, and it was like I didn't deserve it. I was thinking that I was that bad, that God doesn't even want to listen to me.
I felt alone, forsaken even by my God that I loved so much. I think my parents knew there was a problem since they started to yell at me every time I was playing with a doll, every time I was playing with (other) girls. I felt so so bad. I wanted to die, to stop living this painful life...
I started to stop prayin. I was still believing in God and love him, but it was obvious that I was gonna die no matter what. One night after a reunion, (I was 12) decided to tell my "sister" the truth. I never said that I was gay. I said to her that I don't love girls. I think she knew it, but tried to act like she was shocked. She was mad, i don't know if this is the fact that I was what I was or the fact that I never told her before. She told me that I had to change, an that this is not normal. I knew she was right, but I tried so many times to "change", how could I, how would I. A distance between us appears, it was horrible, painful for both of us. She wanted me to change I knew it was impossible and I didn't want to impose myself to her.
Week after week she started to ask questions, she started to try to understand, and she did. What is a sin, is to commit homosexuallity. We sarted to be even more closer. We were talking about boys, about almost everything.
I was 13, when the son of a my father's friend who were 16 selp over, in my room. He started to touch me not sexually first, and I felt like never before. I had a cruch on him since the first time I saw him, and it was actually the same thing for him. I knew it was bad, i knew that I would certainly regret, but it happens. The morning after, I heard that he was just visiting and that he was living with his mother the next week. I was distroyed, he wasn't. Not at all.
I tried to kill myself 3 times. I was 14, Nobody likes me at school, my weight was a problem, I tought that God wasn't there for me, my life had no sense. My parents started to refuse the fact that I was sleeping over in my sis house (thing that takes so much time to become true). I wanted an end.
At 15-16 I decided it was enough. I decided to take control. I lost weight, and accept myself. So did people around me. Since that era, my sis and I began to live without thinking. Giving our confidence to boys. Instead of that part, I have no bad memories about that time. We friends, gorgeous times, parties and so. We both knew that Jehovah was the true God and that, we would become JWs when we will be older. We had sexual experiences, and i think that regreted the most of them. We felt guilty, but thrilled at the same thime.
Sometimes I was telling her that we should make an abstinence veow but she wasn't ready. The next time she was telling me the same and I wasn't ready. Since that weekend she spent at home while my parents were in a foreign country. We decided it was time. We were in the pool, drinking coctaikl, talking about how beautiful would be heaven. Imagine things , laughing, thinking about how OUR house would be (But I didn't feel confortable with the idea of being a boy in even).
I was searching solutions and then I found this im Matthew 21:22 " a nd everything, whatever it be, that you ask for in your prayers, if you have faith, you shall obtain." It was the solution! I started to pray, telling God that I will make efforts, and that according to his scriptures, I can have anything if I believe in him, if I have faith. I was prayin him to be a girl in paradise, i was telling him that I wanted to have a husband that will never make me suffer, i told him that i wanted to gave birth to MY OWN children without fearing anything for them, to live with my sister, raise our kids together, travel the world together, choose our husbands together, and above all to be happy. It was the only things that matter for me.
I went to a psychologist, because I felt like I needed to express things. I didn't told her everything, but not really the religious part. That was the worst experience of my life. My parents wanted to know what I was telling her, she told them everything. Even if i wasn't a minor. They were never supposed to know anything. My parents made me feel bad. They were angry, my mom was crying. I was trying to explain, like I used to explain to everyone. They were angry everything I could said was false, I felt like they were blind eye. I've never been masculine, every time they were talking about me getting married I was going away, all my friends were mostly girls, well it was obvious for everyone except them.
The night of the 17th December 2010, my sister had a car accident and she died. She was 19, I was 18. There is no words that could ever express what felt when they told me that he was over. It couldn't be over. She was stronger than me, she was a Tomboy, always doing crazy things. I was the fragile one, the delicate one it didn't make sense. My all world was collapsing, we was supposed to live together, here and in heaven, never separate. We had plan, things to do, things to live. The only thing I could do was crying. Asking God to kill me to because I can fight alone, I can live without my sister, I can't.
I can tell you, that if Jehovah wasn't there I would be dead too. I was crying, suffering, my heart was totally broken, and something just comforted me. A presence just grab me in its arms and I felt relieved (not recovered). I know it was God, there is no way I could be here without him.
Even if I knew that God was here, I felt horribly alone. I made my veow alone. I wanted to be someone else to change completely. I became proclaimer. My only freind was Jehovah. I started to judge people, to make them feel unconfortable. Even my parents was telling my that I was becoming a fanatic. I thought it was the only way to see my sister again. It didn't last long... I began to depress, to eat bad.
Someday, certainly seeking tender, and affection, I slept with a friend's brother. It wasn't tender, or affectionate. The guilt right after was killing me. I call a friend, which is not really a model, but she was the only jw i trusted at this time. She was knowing me fro 3 years, i had already told her everything for 2 years and she was okay with me and everything. I told her what I did, I was crying, i regreted it so much. She didn't know what to do, she told me to pray. Iwas quite a model for her, she used to admire my fight, but at this time she knew i was only a poor human, nothing else.
I was searching friends like her but it was impossible. They were too religious, or too rebelious. None of them was like me, like us. I learned to accept people, I met some JWs friends (girls for the most) who accepted me, because they knew what I was passing through. They had made mistakes, like me, they were trying to fight, like me.
I finally told my parents about it, because i learned that I wasn't already a JW so I didn't have to tell it to the elders. This was the worst day of my life, after my sis death. They asked many questions, I felt horrible. Since that day, they were constantly on my back.
Then I decided to studying in Canada. I move there, alone. Thinking that she would normaly be there with me, in the plane.. I met gorgeous people here, they are not JW. My parents helped me finding a congregation, and now I'm affraid. Affraid to be judge, to be unaccepted by some who are like my parents. I went throught that so much time with some people that wasn't even christians, and I horrified by the idea of not beeing accepted by my own "brothers & sisters". I don't want to be far from my God, but I don't want to be hurt by anyone.
I'm looking around, and I see people getting married, people in love, friend of mine in courtship, and me, alone as always. I'm telling myself that I will adopt kids and be a single parent. I want to give a chance to one or two kids, to live a correct life, to eat well, to live well. That would be my reason of living while waiting for changement. Every mother wants a little boy. The "girl in me" wants it so much, but i don't know if i'm gonna be a "father" for this little boy. So I guess, I'm gonna adopt a little girl, but it gonna seem so wierd to other people. A "man" adopting a little girl...
I feel like more and more Men are watching me, are smiling at me, but I know that none of them will accept to be with someone they cannot sleep with. No men in this world are ready for that. I'm thinking that maybe I will find someone in the congregation with who I will live a Platonic relationship and who will maybe be my future husband in Heaven, but I'm not sure about that too.
I'm tired, tired of everything. I wanna be happy (really happy) for ones in my life. I wanna have my family" I wanna have my sister. I'm weak, I know that I'm not tought but I want it so much. I don't want anyone to die, but iI want an end. I don't care about what people say, if you have what it takes to live in heaven and the desire of paying attention to your God, there is no way he won't be there for you. Most of people forget that Jehovah is the pith of Justice, he will never destroy someone that can change or who has the qualities that he loves.
I'm so weak, i'm so lost, I want an end. I want a life.