I dont see why people stay in the JWs ?

by snare&racket 25 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Phizzy

  I could no longer stay because I had to be true to myself, I feltI could not be seen to give even the slightest support to an Organization founded on lies and maintained by lies.

  I did not know what would happen, I did not know if my wife would accept my decision, I thought I would be DF'd and lose all contact with my extended family.

  I was lucky, my wife came out with me, I have not been DF'd or DA'd.

  The internal problem I have, which is nagging at me all the time, is that, though I like the situation from one point of view, being able to talk to JW family and other JW's and maybe rattle their cage a bit, my conscience tells me that I still do "support" the lying WT in that the local Congregation still considers me a member, even though I no longer attend.

  My wife said to me just yesterday "If you write the DA letter, I will support you 100%, but........." and then outlined the more than likely ensuing problems.

  I think that because I do care about my JW family I will keep the status quo for a while, I would love to free just one of them, and that would be impossible if I were DF/DA'd.

  There was no way I could have stayed as an attendee, my conscience simply would not allow me to go that far.
• 

  Lozhasleft

  Actually Phizzy, if you DA then in reality you are playing their game, sort of confirming that they have rights to exclude you, as it stands you're not, you've left their merry go round world and are doing it on your own terms. Well done to you.

  Loz x

  Edited to add: If they make the mistake of considering you a member due to their poor observations or whatever, let them, it's their mistake not yours.
• 

  Phizzy

  Thanks Loz, you make me feel better about my position.

  I am angry with the WT for still holdinng the power either way, DA or not, they still have the power over my family, who will do the Cult's bidding.

  But thanks again, I really do not see that acknowledging them as anything more than what they are by DAing will get me far, they are a bunch of sillly little men supporting a very silly religion.
• 

  tornapart

  I'm not prepared to break a 30+ year marriage, I'm not prepared to break my elderly mother's heart. I'm not prepared to lose my children and grandchild. Yes, it's hard to sit there and listen to, to go out occasionally and knock on empty doors (which is all I do these days) but I can bear it. What I couldn't bear is losing my beloved family. It would kill me. If you can't 'condone it' then that's your problem, not mine. It's my life and I live it as I choose just as everyone has the free will to do.
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  snare&racket

  00Dad, of course i feel great sympathy for you, I found your posts heart wrenching. But you are the exact reason I left.....you are in the right and that kind of behaviour should not be condoned. Standing up against this bullying cult has to start somwhere and for me that was to leave. The more that do so, the better. As for me mentioning the positive elements to you leaving,i wasn't intending to sound cold, i was just making the point that your children have a damn good, conscientious, moral father with incredible strength of charachter. I wasnt putting being right over having your family, I was complementing you for being a good father.

  I apologise if i offended you 00Dad
• 

  00DAD

  snare&racket, thank you for thoughtfully responding to my posts.

  I don't know if I was offended by what you wrote, maybe I was a little. Actually, it was more that I was frustrated by what seemed to be your lack of understanding of the motivations and feelings of others that handle the situation differently than you.

  I appreciate your sympathy. That means a lot.

  I didn't realize that you've read so many of my posts. They are heart wrenching. The pain is real.

  You and I both know that we are in the right and that shunning is wrong as well as the myriad types and levels of hypocrisy on the part of the WTBTS. It should not be condoned. We should stand up against this bullying cult, and the more that do so, the better.

  Imagine what would happen if suddenly tomorrow every single fader, doubter and pretending JW collectively stood up, walked out of the Kingdom Hall and said, "Enough! I'm done with this abusive crap!" Wow, that would be amazing. But it's not going to happen. We know that.

  On the other hand, each one of us individually that leaves and takes a stand is a model and gives courage to others that see us and know why we left and stay away.

  Thank you for for your comment that I am a, "damn good, conscientious, moral father with incredible strength of character". If only all of that were true. I handled my exit poorly. It was messy. I made mistakes, big ones. I stayed in for way too long after I knew it was all BS and ended up being a pretend-Elder for 5 or 6 years. Sure I edited my talks and no longer spouted JW doctrines that I disagreed with and no longer believed. (Funny, no one seemed to notice ... or maybe they just were afraid to say anything!) But I didn't take a stand and leave even though I knew the religion was NOT what it claimed to be and that it was NOT the Truth, indeed far from it.

  I kidded myself telling myself I was staying in it for the children. I was biding my time waiting for my youngest to turn 18. My marriage was falling apart and I had become a hypocrite pretending to be someone I wasn't. I hated myself for it but I allowed myself to be held hostage because I didn't want to be disfellowshipped. That was cowardly, but I didn't know what to do!

  Countless nights I would take walks praying to Jehovah, saying, "Tell me what to do! This can't be what you want for me and my family." This went on for years. I never did get an answer to that prayer.

  Then I had an affair. It went on for many months. I was still serving as an elder during all of this. I sometimes wondered where Holy Spirit was in all of this. No one knew, no one.

  Finally I couldn't take it any longer and did what needed to be done. I separated from my wife, (she later divorced me.) At the same time, I went to my "friends" the elders looking for help. They took all of about 1/2 an hour to decide that the best way to "help" me was to disfellowship me. Actually they did me a favor, but the consequences on my relationship with my sons has been devastating.

  Ironically, NOW I am no longer a hypocrite and NOW I am trying to be a good example of living courageously for my children. But they don't see it because they refuse to have contact with me because I am disfellowshipped. When I was a hypocrite living a lie and pretending to believe things I didn't believe everything was fine. (It really wasn't, but that was the pretense we all went along with). Now that I am not a hypocrite and am real I am treated as an outcast.

  It's now been over 3 years since I was disfellowshipped. I'm still sorting out my thoughts, feelings and beliefs as a result of the incredible mindfuck that WT indoctrination has done to me. It wasn't until about 1 1/2 ago that I really started to get my head around things and began to understand my own motivations. I often look back and wonder how I could have handled things differently. Even though I admit my exit was messy and caused a lot of pain to others, including my own sons, I still can't figure out what would have been a better way to leave. What could I have done or not done and still get out but with my dignity and relationship with my sons intact. I don't have an answer.

  In trying to get an answer to that question, I've read countless personal accounts here on JWN about others in similar situations and how they have tried various strategies to leave. Some have been able to in a relatively painless way. Most have not.

  The truth is: There is no honorable way to leave Jehovah's Witnesses.

  This is by design of course. The WTBTS is a controlling, manipulative cult that operates in essentially the same way as an abusive co-dependant relationship.

  The WT/JW control by fear. As I said before, even if the consequences of someone leaving are not as bad as they individual contemplating leaving fears, the fear is still real.

  Fear is the mind killer. - Frank Herbert, Dune

  Thank you for your apology. It really wasn't necessary. I just wanted you to try and see things from another perspective and to understand that the way you wrote things might unintentionally hurt others here that are trying there best to find their way out of the maze.

  I hope one day, soon perhaps, to live up to the way you describe me. I'm trying once again to be a worthy example to my children.

  Your friend,

  00DAD