I dont see why people stay in the JWs ?

by snare&racket 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • 00DAD

    S&R: 00DAD .... Are you not doing the right thing still though?

    Yes of course, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard and painful. Yesterday was one of my son's 21st birthday. For years we talked about sharing a fine single malt scotch on his 21st. Even though he doesn't talk to me and hasn't in years, I sent him a bottle of Bunnahabhain 12 year old. I had it shipped via FedEx. He refused it and it came back to me.

    How do you think that makes me feel?

    S&R: I did not deny that some may lose people they love.

    In your OP you said, "I understand the difficulty of family reprisal. But in reality if you do it right, it just doesnt happen to the extent that WT would like you to fear."

    In reality for many of us--and I speak from first hand experience--it is WORSE than what the "WT would like you to fear."

    Your lack of empathy is surprising. I'm glad it worked out well for you. It doesn't and hasn't for a great many of us. There is NO honorable way to leave the WTBTS/JW.

    S&R: I really think it is a misconception to say leaving the JW's will destroy you and/or your family.

    You think incorrectly. Again, I'm glad it worked out well for you. You are the exception.

    S&R: But now you are teaching your children that freedom of thought is right, that questioning is right and that what the WT is doing is wrong ! Also you are now providing a source for them if they are to ever seek an alternate view!

    This is true and I try to remind myself that on a daily basis. But the day-to-day reality is that I miss my children very much. I know that 2/3rds of all "Born-in JWs" eventually leave. But that doesn't guarantee either of my sons ever will. I spoke yesterday to a 53 year old "still-sort-of-in, but in-the-process-of-fading" member here on JWN. It took him nearly five decades to wake-up and learn TTATT. He lost his first wife to cancer years ago, possibly unnecessarily as she refused medical treatments that now would be considered a "conscience matter" but at the time would have been a DFing offense.

    S&R: I have no doubt it is impossibly difficult.

    Not impossibly, but extremely. This is the first empathetic thing you've said.

    S&R: Do you consider returning and living the lie for their contact?

    For the first two years I was out, I did. In fact, I "lived a lie" pretending to be something I was not for the last five or six years I was still in. Eventually I couldn't stand it any longer. Ironically, when I pretended to be a good little elder, everyone loved me (or at least they pretended to); now that I am no longer a hypocrite all my former friends and JW family members shun me. How about that!

    About a year ago I realized that "returning" and pretending would be wrong. It nearly drove me crazy. I certainly injured my psyche. I'm only beginning to heal. I still have great anger and resentment over the betrayal and hypocrisy of the GB and all the WTBTS leadership.

    The answer to your OP question is that they are held hostage by the threat of shunning. Maybe for some it will not be realized as bad as they fear. Still they fear it nonetheless. The FEAR IS WHAT KEEPS THEM IN!

    For many, that fear is real.

    S&R: Do they have children?

    Not yet.

  • SophieG

    I would love to just write a DA letter and be done with it. Frankly I want them to know so they can all sit back and wonder why I left. I think that would be a bold statement, Plus, I don't like that fading-fake feeling. I am ready to go. I have not been to the meetings for at least a year and I had been fading way before that.

    But my extended family is just coming to terms with one member who was DF and another who has left. I know I have to cushion the blow for them, kinda prep them slowly. I am convinced that when they slowly realize I left, it will make other family members think, REALLY THINK!

    My mother is a wonderful kind, "faithful" sister. She is much loved in the local area where we live. She is elderly. I have to think of her. She will not be one of those parents who will rage and shun me, she will get depressed because she knows she should. I must protect her! Sometimes I have to take her to the SA/DC. I suffer for her! *tears*

    I do know though, to go regularly just to keep family ties would drive me so insane. I think my head would eventually explode in the meeting!

  • bigmac

    S & R--i agree with you 100%

    however --jw family members react in different ways. my 3 kids shunned me ( for 25 years )--no doubt to please their mother rather than god. 1 son got d/f'd a couple of years back--now--thanks to FB & his sensible girlfriend--we are in touch again.

    my jw father--now 91--has never shunned me--blood being thicker than water.

    it takes all sorts--in the world & out.

  • elderelite

    00dad, no need to waste the cyberspace..... This has been hashed and rehashed a million times (although you are obviously free to do so :-). Fools like snare think their way is the only way because its their way. Its hysterical that they claim to want freedom for someone else.... But deny them the freedom to choose to stay in the org if they wish.

    They want you to have the freedom to do it their way and their way only. The also have the blantant hypocrasy to read everything elders share on this board that they get because their elders.

    Some people leave judgmental organisations only to end up as judgmental induviduals ..... And i bet they hear gods voice telling them its ok. Reality is their dumbass internet rants dont change my life one bit. Dont sweat them. We all know their is a very real price to pay for leaving the org and every man for himself has to decide the price he wants to pay.

  • Lozhasleft

    I agree EE. Judging others is a KH trait. Let's move on and stop judging. Some are incapable of putting themselves into another's shoes. You have to walk a long way in those shoes before you have a right to judge. But hey, what goes round comes round, that's for sure.

    Loz x

  • 00DAD

    EE and Loz, thanks for the reality check!

    I needed that!!! ... lol

  • moshe
    Judging others is a KH trait.

    I disagree- we all make character judgments of the people we do business with, relatives, friends, lovers, doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers, those we elect to government office, the teachers who we give our kids over to, our neighbors (is it safe to give them the key to my house and walk my dog while I am gone this weekend?, etc, etc)-, scammers prey on anyone who DOESN"T figure out they are lying. The only people who don't judge others are impaired, like those with dementia/alzheimers and those of low IQ- and we as a society have to protect them for being taken advantage of. Finally, when people are placed in a position of trust and leadership over us we like to think they aren't lying and deceiving us. ( sorry everyone, but Bernie Madoff was lying to you) A few hundred years ago judgement and punishment was swift for anyone who was found out to be a lying traitor to the group--

  • Lozhasleft

    You're welcome OODAD. Some of my family and quite a few JW friends have asked me to go back and 'pretend' so that relationships can be restored. I can't do that, whatever else, I have to be true to myself, but I do understand their terrible fears, and the anxieties of what they can lose. I can no longer do conditional love, but I respect them more than some who use their arrogance to judge me and anyone else who doesn't fit their ideal.

    Loz x

  • Lozhasleft

    Moshe, yes I see what you're saying, but there's judging such as that you speak of, normal daily assessing of who we can trust, and then there's judging people's decisions and lifestyles and choices. A whole different ball game if you will. In the KH we heard about how the 'world' was evil and bad, how homosexuality was wrong and evil, how questioning individuals were diseased or controlled by Satan, that sort of judging is so wrong, surely? If we now start deciding that those who choose to fade slowly or whatever are to be judged for it, then we are saying that we know better those individuals, with their unique circumstances are wrong/bad simply because it's not what we personally would do. How can we? How dare we? Let us let others choose to do what's best for them without judging them, without dogmatic 'we are great and we know best' attitudes. It's kinder, more considerate and humane. Isn't it?

    Loz x

  • 00DAD

    Loz: I have to be true to myself ... I can no longer do conditional love.

    Agreed! Been there, done that.

    Moshe: A few hundred years ago judgement and punishment was swift for anyone who was found out to be a lying traitor to the group ...

    I suggest you go read Animal Farm.

    ... EDIT to try and outsmart an annoying Google popup!

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