Staying married to a JW (page 2)

OnTheWayOut

Your daughter is so young and you have a pretty good balance going with
her going to work and you working at home.

I am in a similar situation as far as fading and maintaining a marriage
with an active JW. It is not your fault that she feels funny about any
alienation from JW's. You cannot be the JW husband she hopes for.
It does sound like she is the one who needs counseling. But it's really
a tough thing for a JW to do, thinking that counseling can be handled by
the idiots called elders. I would suggest looking to marriage counseling.
Be straight up with her and tell her how it makes you feel when she is
suggesting that she cannot love you or how you want her to know that she
is wonderful in the areas you have mentioned, but it doesn't get through.

My wife isn't talking divorce. Our relationship is solid. If it weren't,
I would certainly want to get to counseling before abandoning the marriage.
I go to a counselor and she has only accompanied me once. My wife needs
it badly for her own reasons, but won't let herself feel that "worldly"
counselors are okay for her. But I would deliver it as a definite
necessity before divorce or before living as husband and wife in name only
because of the JW rules.

flipper

DANIEL- P- I empathize with your situation indeed my friend.

I was married 19 years to a JW wife ( divorced in 1998 ) and I received the same complaint from her " you're not the man I married who was an elders son. I wanted you to reach out for elders position but you were just a ministerial servant 6 years ". She would say I was from the " Devil " - you know stuff like that because I had allegedly lost my " spirituality ".

I agree with those who advise seeking marriage counseling . If your wife is willing to do it - you may find out if she values her marriage to you more than she does the organization. Professional marriage counselors, good ones - have a way of drawing both parties out and getting down to brass tacks and bottom lines of what is motivating people. Just try to stay close to your dear daughter and show her unconditional love like I'm sure you always do.

I wish you the best man. It's not easy , but if your wife can start loving you unconditionally without WT influence to only show you conditional love- then perhaps that non-Witness marriage counselor can get somewhere with your wife. Hang in there guy

moshe

Wives expect a lot from husbands today- it's a losing mindset, expecting your happiness to come from what the other person does for you. Going back 50 years or so, if the husband brought home a paycheck, only went bowling once a week and didn't hit his wife, he was a good husband. The good ol' days.

My JW wife quickly got rid of me in a year when I openly quit the JWs. I am sure she thought Jehoover would give her a new husband who was a loyal JW. It didn't work out that way- she was tainted by having an apostate ex-husband and she had two children - quite a handful as teenagers- nope, she ended up leaving the KH (the elders were just too nosey about her personal weekend time at the C&W dancehall), she ended up with a worldly husband who used drugs to feel better.

daniel-p

Thanks for the input everyone. Ive read it all carefully and I think I see how counseling might help us, but i suppose I feel like no matter what we say to each other, this same issue is going to come up again and again--as long as she hangs on to The Truth. If someone doubts their love for you, but youve never doubted your love for them, you have to put yourself on the line and leave yourself open to the pain.

Scott77

	But I do know that it's a lot cheaper and easier to tell your wife that she's smart and beautiful, rather than having to buy her expensive gifts to prove it
	Billy the Ex-Bethelite

Dan,

I thought that was a good piece of advice. Dan, please take that to heart. Ten years are enough to evaluate the relationship. And, we have to agree based on history, a JW and a non-JW worlds are incompatible in everythings. For a jehovah's witness, royalty is divided in favor of the WTS. That is very toxic. At the end of the day, and as a last resort after trying counseling, you may decide to divorce her and move on with a new wife for the greater good. Dan, since you was a former Bethelite, you know very well how the WTS regards world people irespective of their profession. The worldly counselor world be a total contradiction and an irony to the WTS teaching in wich the bible is the supreme source of marriage wisdom. Counseling is successful only two partners take part in it. If she attends, its more unlikely she will not take the counselor's counsel seriously. In the end, it will be a waste of time.

Scott77

3rdgen

Daniel, i'm so sorry you are hurting. ((((Daniel)))) Good advice so far. Please explore counciling. If wifey agrees-great. If not, it will help you sort things out and help you to be the best husband you can be.

I was a true believing JW with 2 toddlers married to a former elder who became inactive. The JW mindset is that it is UNTHINKABLE that someone should leave. I remember being sooooo proud of hubby when he gave talks etc. When he left, it was like he changed the rules in the middle of the game. I THOUGHT i had married in the "Truth" and he defected. To me, that meant he broke an implied vow not only to God but to ME. I'm almost sure that is how your wife feels. You may be able to weather this with help. By all means try your best. If it becomes clear (after exausting EVERY effort to make it work ) that she doesn't want to be married to you, Make the break before your precious daughter is in her teens.

Mickey mouse

I'm sorry you're in this situation Daniel. It can also be tough on a JW wife being the breadwinner. I've been there and you hear subtle criticism of your spouse for not being the 'provider'. She may also be feeling judgement for going out to work and not being there to 'inculcate the truth' in her child.

Counselling sounds like a great idea.

daniel-p

3rdgen,

You're right on the money. She's expressed before how it feels like I changed in the middle of marraige... I was on my way to being an elder, having been an ex bethelite, gave lots of talks, aux pi, etc... a lot for her to take pride in (other than simply being a good JW husband, which is more and more rare in the bOrg). Then, there was nothing except for my secular and educational endevours. She's not very hardcore, and she's quite irregular nowadays (cant remember when she last went in service), so that's great, but then she comes out with this stuff saying these things about how basically she does it to feel closer to me, but that it doesn't make her happy. So it's like I'm responsible for her weak spirituality and her unhappiness, and that's BS.

truthseeker

Daniel,

I hope that you are able to work things out.

Staying married to a JW

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