Another month, another YPA article just ripe for mocking. We've got pithy advice, a realistic look at how the bible views marriage, and gas station coffee that tastes like feet. Enjoy! (There's more snark here if you enjoy poking these articles as much as I do)
YOUNG PEOPLE ASK - What can I expect from marriage? Pt.1
The Watchtower society telling teenagers what to expect from marriage? Ohhhhhhh, this should be fun. I can't think of a word that means the glee as you rub your hands together in preparation for something devilishly entertaining, but rest assured that's what I'm doing.
(1) "When we're together, I'm walking on clouds! I can't wait to be with him!"
(2) "We hardly have anything in common. Rather than marriage mates, we're roommates. I feel so lonely!"
AS YOU probably guessed, the statement above (1) was made by a single girl; the statement to the left (2), by someone who is married. What you may not realize is that both statements were made by the same person.
I didn't put in those italics - they're there in the original article, apparently to go along with a dramatic noise that was happening in the authors head. I'm guessing that we're supposed to go "*GASP* Oh my God, the same person? How can that be?"
My reaction, though, was more along the lines of "I'm never getting gas-station coffee again. This shit tastes like feet."
What went wrong? I'm reminded of the wise words I shared with a co-worker who was getting engaged - "Remember, a wedding ring is a symbol to all prospective suitors to give up hope, as the wearer already has." If you look forward to getting married someday, how can you prevent a romantic dream from turning into a troublesome marriage? And then there's the equally wise words of Oscar Wilde - "One should always be in love; that is the reason one should never marry."
: Much of your happiness in marriage depends on what you expect from it. Here's what to expect, again from the inimitable Mr. Wilde - "Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."
This article-along with the "Young People Ask" article in next month's Awake!-will help you to have realistic expectations. Don't bother, from experience I can help set your expectations. Gals? Those six-pack abs aren't going to last, he's still going to watch porn, play video games, and probably fart a lot. Guys? Those really skimpy panties aren't going to last, she's going to get pissed when you watch porn, you'll never have time to play video games, and she'll probably fart a lot.
What can you realistically expect from marriage? In short, you can:
(1) Expect benefits Well...there are some tax benefits at least
(2) Expect challenges I apparently snore like a demented lumberjack, and it's been a nightly challenge for my wife not to smother me with a pillow.
(3) Expect the unexpected And possibly the Spanish Inquisition.
Let's take a close look at each of these.
EXPECT BENEFITS
The Bible promotes a positive view of marriage. (Proverbs 18:22) Here are some benefits you can expect. Oh, it does, does it? A "positive view of marriage"? Let's take a brief look at how the bible views marriage:
- Female prisoners of war can be kept as wives/concubines unless they don't please the husband, in which case she can be safely discarded - Duet. 21:13-14
- It's alright to sell daughters as wives/concubines - Exod. 21:7-11
- It's even alright to kidnap women and force them into marriage - Judg. 21:12,14, 23
- Wives should be submissive baby-makers - 1 Tim 2:11-15
- We're not kidding about the submissive thing - Eph. 5:22-24
- Really. Not kidding at all - Col. 3:18
- Not a bit. - 1 Pet. 3:1-2
- They should also shut the hell up - 1 Cor. 14:33-35
- If your wife isn't a virgin on her wedding night, it's OK to kill her - Duet. 22:20-21
- Mixed marriages are bad and God gives the go-ahead to beat any children resulting from one - Neh. 13:23-27
- It's also A-OK to walk out of your wife and kids if they're unbelievers - Ezra 10:2-44
- You know what, it's better if you just don't get married at all - 1 Cor. 7:27-28
Companionship. The Bible says that some time after the first man, Adam, was created, God said: "It is not good for the man to continue by himself," after which He created Eve as Adam's companion. (Genesis 2:18) Yea, and we all know how that worked out, don't we? God made each of them with unique attributes so that they would be different, yet compatible. Yea...God made those "attributes" so well that you've got the equivalent of a sewage treatment facility running through a recreational area. Great design there. Thus, a husband and wife make excellent companions for each other.-Proverbs 5:18. As long as God's not telling someone to drag your wife around on a fucking meat hook. Yea, you read that right - Amos 4:1-3
Partnership. The Bible says: "Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively." (Ecclesiastes 4:9, Good News Translation) How's this for "partnership"? If your brother dies and his wife doesn't have kids, God'll kill you if you don't go and get her knocked up (Gen 38:6-10)That is certainly true of marriage. "It's all about working as a team and being humble and willing to yield once in a while," says a recently married young woman named Brenda.* More than once in awhile, at least according to Paul - that dude was the original "Get in the kitchen and make me a goddam sammich" guy
* Some names in this article have been changed.
Intimacy. The Bible says: "The husband should meet his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should do the same for her husband." (1 Corinthians 7:3, Common English Bible) But remember kids, only missionary, only with the lights off, and wash your hands afterwards. And BJ's are totally out of the question - Watchtower 12/1/72, p. 735. When married, you can enjoy having sex without the anxiety and regret that are so often the sad consequences of premarital sex.-Proverbs 7:22, 23; 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9. You know what sucks? (Aside from not your spouse, apparently.) Getting married and finding out on your wedding night that he's a minute-man with a three-inch pecker.
The bottom line: Marriage is a gift from God. (James 1:17) You know what else are gifts from God? "All the little ones among the women who have not known the act of lying with a male" (Num 31:17-18) Three guesses what the Israelites did to them. When you abide by his principles, you can expect marriage to be a richly rewarding way of life.
To think about: Is your view of marriage soured by poor examples that you have observed-perhaps in your own family? I'll tell you what's soured my view of Christian marriage? The examples in the sodding Bible that I pulled for this article. This shit is sickening. I'd rather take my examples from somebody who wasn't all pedo-rapist-y. If so, what positive role models can you look to that are worthy of imitation? Guys, at this point Brittney Spears is looking like a better role model, and the world would be a better place if someone filled her vagina with concrete. What does that tell you?
EXPECT CHALLENGES
The Bible presents a realistic view of marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:28) Um...am I the only one that's been present for the whole pedo-rapist-sex slave discussion? "Realistic view" might not be the words I'd choose. Here are some challenges you can expect. Aside from, you know, burning the next town and getting your wife/wives/concubines to begin with.
Conflict. No two humans are identical-except that they're imperfect. (Romans 3:23) So a husband and wife will occasionally have conflicts, no matter how compatible they seem. Sometimes they may even say unpleasant things that they later regret. "A person who never said anything wrong . . . would be perfect," says the Bible. (James 3:2, Holy Bible-Easy-to-Read Version) Rather than idealistically trying to avoid all disagreements, successful couples learn how to discuss and settle them when they arise. Here's a biblical "conflict resolution" tip that you can apply in your own life - In the event that your wife tries to get you to worship a different God, kill her (Duet. 13:6-10) She's not being, you know, all submissive and stuff.
Disappointment. "We're bombarded with movies and TV shows in which the girl finds her 'perfect' match and lives happily ever after," says a girl named Karen. When a marriage fails to live up to such an ideal, both mates may become disillusioned. Because we all trust movies and TV completely, the internet never lies, and that Nigerian businessman wanting to give you 5 million to help him get his money out of the country is really on the level. Of course, after marriage both mates are bound to discover additional imperfections and quirks in each other. The key is to remember that true love "endures all things"-even disappointment.-1 Corinthians 13:4, 7. Here's an experiment that'll help you identify a good relationship. Take your dog and lock him in the trunk of a car. Then take your wife and lock her in the trunk of another car. Wait an hour, open both trunks, and find out who's glad to see you.
Anxiety. The Bible says that married people are "anxious for the things of the world." (1 Corinthians 7:33, 34) Such anxiety is normal and often even proper. For example, you may find it challenging to make ends meet. You know what makes it even more challenging? Spending all your time in Field Service instead of furthering your education, or turning down a better paying job because it might interfere with going to meetings. Or getting a liberal arts degree, that's pretty stupid too. Both mates might have to work just to pay for food, clothing, and a place to live. But you can succeed if you work as a team to provide for your household.-1 Timothy 5:8. Great. More advice from Paul, the Misogynistic Mad Circumciser. (Yea, I'm still a little hung up on how he went all Edward Scissorhands on Timothy's junk.)
The bottom line: If dating is like flying a kite, marriage is like piloting a plane. Not really. It's more like trying to piloting a sentient, megalomaniacal starship designed by an insane wizard who was hopped up on PCP and NyQuil. You'll need considerably more skill and effort to deal with the turbulent challenges-but you can succeed. All snarky aside, the best way to maintain a successful relationship is to remember a few main rules - love, honor, respect, and stay the hell away from each other. (Well, maybe still a little snark) Oh, and remember the critical importance of bringing home flowers for absolutely no reason whatsoever except that it makes her happy.
To think about: How do you handle conflict now with your parents and siblings? Are you able to put disappointments in perspective? How do you deal with anxiety? Here's something to think about. With God in your marriage, every night's a threesome. Yea, I went there.
WHAT YOUR PEERS SAY
Brittany-I think it's a bad idea to get married simply because you're tired of being asked, "When are you going to get married?" Brittany, your picture is right there in the magazine. We all know you aren't getting asked that question very often. After all, when problems arise, you will be the one who has to deal with them-not the people who are pressuring you. Hang on, didn't we just get finished with an entire flipping article about how God helps you with marital problems?
Clara-Emotions can keep people from thinking clearly. That's why I think parents should have a big part in your choosing a mate. After all, they know you really well, so they should be able to help you find someone who is right for you. Ohhhhhh wow. They really went there, didn't they? It isn't enough that these poor teens have the Watchtower Society telling them what to believe, the Elders telling them what to do? You've got to start promoting arranged marriages now too? How about you tell them to make career decisions by slamming their head in a car door a couple of times?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Josh and Melanie have been dating for a year. During that time they nearly broke up twice. The first time, Josh threatened to call it quits when he accused Melanie of flirting with other boys. I call BS. They shouldn't be within 10 feet of each other without a constant chaperone, at least if they're good little Witnesses. The second time, Melanie gave Josh an ultimatum when she could no longer endure his accusations. Not surprised, Josh sounds like a winey little jackass. Both times Josh and Melanie were able to resolve their differences.
What do you think? Do you see any danger signs in the relationship described above? The fact that Josh and Melanie nearly broke up more than once indicates what? Um...that they both need to be smacked in the face with a clue bat wrapped in clue tape, then given clue mating calls and dumped in the nearest clue field? On the other hand, what does the fact that they resolved their problems tell you? What, do you think, can Josh and Melanie expect from marriage? Once again, I've got to turn back to Mr. Wilde who had it nailed - "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."
WHY NOT ASK YOUR PARENTS? Why not think for yourself? That'd be a novel experience.
Discuss the box "What Do You Think?" with your parents. See if their views of Josh and Melanie differ from yours. Better yet, get them drunk and ask them exactly how much pain, misery and suffering you've caused them over the years. Ask your Mom how badly your wrecked her figure. Ask your Dad if he really wanted to spend all that money on raising a annoying prat of a child instead of paying off the mortgage early. Why not ask your parents if they enjoyed having to jump through hoops to get a babysitter just to get one peaceful afternoon. Better yet, why not ask your parents if they had a really great time spending 18 years having to have really, really quiet sex.
IN THE NEXT "YOUNG PEOPLE ASK"... How can Bible principles help you to expect the unexpected? Would that be anything like the fact that every time I go through one of these articles I expect to be entertained, but I always end up with an unexpected feeling like I just cleaned a bathroom in Grand Central Station using only my tongue? Yea, I thought so.