So far when I have seen the word 'betrayal' or 'betrayed' on these boards, it's in reference to how we feel betrayed by the Watchtower Society, family, or individuals within the organization. We all understand this feeling well. I can relate to many of the sentiments expressed.
But the other night with my therapist, towards the very end of the session, the word 'betrayal' came up in reference to myself.
The therapist noted that I seemed to be 'holding back' with her. I tearfully explained that airing my 'grievances' and revealing 'secrets' to an outsider (my therapist) I feel as though I am betraying everyone and everything I have ever known. In the logical part of my mind, I know what I am doing is right and I have absolutely no doubts or real reasons to feel this way, but yes, in the irrational pit of my stomach, I feel like a betrayer.
Just so happens I picked up a book from the university library entitled "Betrayals" by sociologist Gabriella Turnaturi (she was recently cited in the study edition of the Watchtower and it piqued my interest). Check out his quote from p.20, 21. It's a little long, but I think it's worth the read:
"In every form of interaction, every lasting relationship, one of the subjects can change, slowly or suddenly modifying his ways of thinking about himself, of narrating his views, and of relating not only to the other but the world at large. Anyone who is undergoing phases of change tends to eliminate routines and habits that, over the course of time, had become rules of behavior and tacit pacts: he or she abandons a universe of shared meaning. The very fact of the change appears to the other as betrayal, because it erodes all reliance on what had been certain, all mutual understanding within the universe of the habitual.
"The person who changes becomes unpredictable, even unrecognizable, for the other. Change, moving away from routine, is perceived as a form of abandonment, as if the changed person had chosen a route leading outside the We, leaving the We by the wayside. This change is experienced as betrayal, not only within a pair connected by love or friendship but also by a group or community that finds it difficult to accept the fact that one of its members might adopt new parameters of judgement. Every change is perceived as a threat to the status quo and brings with it the suspicion of a possible betrayal. Every betrayal is an unexpected break that subverts implicit or explicit rules."
I enjoyed this passage because it explains the relationship between change and betrayal, and the universal tension between the individual and the 'We'. It also helps me to understand this feeling of being a betrayer or betraying everyone and everything which I am experiencing:
I have left the "We" of the Organization "by the wayside," overturning their illogical groupthink and adopting "new parameters of judgement." This part doesn't bother me so much.
I feel as though I have threatened the "status quo" with my wife - a happy, peaceful relationship.
But the worst I fear, and what I think is bothering me the most, is that I will become "unrecognizable" to my wife and family.
I hope that is not the case, and so far it doesn't seem to be so. I'm sure if my new path helps lead my wife and other family out of the organization, these feelings of betrayal will subside entirely. But dealing with the uncertainty of how this will all play out, the gut feeling of being a betrayer is hard to shake.