Advice needed for lost soul

by lost1 19 Replies latest social relationships

  • nugget

    If he is struggling with his beliefs then it will be a difficult time for him. If he was or is a JW when he was dating you a non JW then he would have been in conflict. His belief system does not allow him to date non JWs. He would have had to have kept your relationship a secret. This is not sustainable in the long term because after a while the non JW is seen to be the start of and cause of all the difficulties and in order to be welcomed back into the fold the relationship must end. Because you are seen as the cause of the problem and because you do not share his beliefs he will not confide in you or ask for your help.It is extremely common for the non JW to be shut out whilst the person seeks to resolve their problems.

    If he is vascillating because he wanted a relationship outside the confines of his faith then he is not truly free of it. He may still believe and in that case all you can do is walk away for your own sake and peace of mind. If he no longer believes then that is a different matter. The organisation does not allow anyone a dignified exit. You either tow the line or get out. The guilt and pressure to conform will be enormous to such an extent that if he leaves he can still be drawn back by any sudden trauma in his life.

    I would suggest that you set aside any ideas of a relationship. If you want to help him as a person all you can do is ask himn if he wants to talk about it. Don't issue any ultimatums. But the chances are he is already pulling away from you. Assure him you are there as a friend if he needs you.

  • lost1

    jgnat - thanks for your really helpful advice. I have and am still doing the bucket of tears. It was not him posting on here, it was someone else who mentioned him by name - something to do with breaking up his marriage (DF?) that really set the alarm bells going. Seems he is pretty high up on the hierachy where he is. I need to be strong and walk away but know its going to be hard even, as you say, he comes wandering back in a weak moment. He can be a strong person and truly believe deep down he wants away but the guilt is eating him up.

    Nugget - also thanks. I think you hit the nail on the head. He is going through a traumatic time so I reckon he has been drawn back in.

    All this is very new to me but you have def given me food for thought.

  • jgnat

    Here's some do's and don'ts when talking to a cultist, if you care to help him awake from the deception.

    • DO ask interested observer questions.
    • DON'T let on that you have done your own research, on the web or elsewhere. (All exterior information is suspect in the cultist's mind.)
    • DO appeal to their natural personality such as hobbies, interests, personality traits. They will visibly relax.
    • DON'T point out the hypocricy. (To my great regret, this invariably pushes him farther in.)
  • flipper

    LOST 1- I'm so sorry you are going through this. This guy doesn't sound like he's connected to himself, you, or anybody else for that matter - at least with honesty and truth. If he was being upfront with you he'd be more accessible. I'd cut my losses and move on if I was you. Take care, and welcome to the board

  • NewChapter

    Welcome Lost! I'm sorry about your struggles. I was a JW once, and all I can say is that I know enough not to enter into a relationship like this. It will be absolutely toxic, because his mind is not yet free. If he is only flirting with freedom, then his life will be a turmoil of guilt and regret with you in the middle. Do you want to be viewed like that? But it is up to you. I fear that to stay with him, is to invite nothing but conflict. He may be truly free one day----and you can give it another look. But he is still too messed up to be good for anyone.

    I wish he could come here. But I don't even know that you should suggest that to him.


  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    Get a dog. It'll be less trouble.

  • Chariklo

    Welcome to the board!

    You are in for a lot of heartache and no guarantee that he will ever leave them.

    The best advice would be to walk away, but if you can't, then at least take to heart the advice on here, because people know. Jgnat and Black Sheep in particular have it absolutely right.

  • EmptyInside

    Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you're going through all this hurt. I know it's easier said than done,but it's best for you to move on.

    I think it's inconsiderate of a person just to put a person off without any explanation. I'm going through something similiar. And it just shows their lack of maturity and they're rather self-involved. He obviously has many issues to sort out.

    Again,I'm sorry,and for whatever you decide,hope everything works out for you.

  • lost1

    Thanks for all your help. Maybe deep down I know where this is going to end but its accepting it and dealing with the hurt inside first. If he had been honest at the beginning maybe it would have been different, who knows. Have told him here if wants to talk but thats all I can do for now.

    Yes, Black Sheep, a dog would be so much less trouble!!

  • ammo

    welcome Lost 1 annnd......



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