The ICSA event in London was a day well spent although a little emotionally draining. The event was well represented by ex JWs who formed the biggest group there with representatives from both the UK and Europe. Other cults discussed during the day were, Exclusive Bretheren, Christian Scientists, Therapy cults, Mystic cults, Born Again Christian Cults and some extremely scary mind control groups. Some of the most harrowing stories were from parents with children caught up in cults who were trying to get them out.
Whilst the issue of shunning was not addressed on this occasion, there was some useful advice and help offered that I feel may help others on the board.
Christian Szurko presented a section on restoring relationships with Parents, siblings and children still in the sect. I feel that although some of the general points are helpful his key idea of mediated dialogue could only work with parents or spouses who have never been JWs trying to reach those still in.Here is a brief summary of his talk:
We are all humans and when we become emotionally involved we make mistakes, this can result in us saying the wrong thing and burning our bridges. These bridges need to be restored .What we all can do is make others aware that we are thinking of them. We can send cards and postcards just to keep them in our thoughts. One son kept returning cards and gifts sent to him back to his parents. The son was in a cult with environmental ideals so the parents started arranging to have trees planted for him and then let him know every time they did. He couldn't send the gift back and it helped to reach him. So be creative.
Keep in mind that rebuilding the relationship is more important at this stage than getting someone to exit the group. This means that we need to be prepared to say we were wrong. If we have said something like "exit the cult or I'll have nothing to do with you." then acknowledge that this was a mistake. We are not bound by the rules of the cult, this means that we do not always have to be right. We do not have to win every battle. What we have to display is gentleness and a willingness to proceed slowly. We can be non combative and be patient and realise that some things are absorbed slowly.
But more than anything be persistent. He said when we love someone time is the currency by which we measure love.
Christian acts as a mediator bringing the two sides together and translating parental concerns and presenting material in a constructive way allowing both sides to express their concerns and increase communication. He talks to both sides and then brings them together to discuss their concerns. He has worked with JWs in the past but in my discussions with him it would appear that he has enabled some who already had doubts to clarify them. I do not think this technique would work with somone who is Df'd or DA'd who wanted to talk to his witness relatives as I firmly believe that they would not accept any mediation other than the elder arrangement.
Another interesting discussion was presented by Gillie Jenkinson who is a counsellor specialising in people who have been affected by their cult experience she is also part of a charity that offers free counselling to ex cult members in the UK although there is a waiting list. the charity is encourage www.encourage-cult-survivors.org. Several people discussed their cult experiences during this section.
As this looks long enough already I will post further experiences from the day further down and allow other attendees to share their thoughts on the day there is so much to cover.