Young adults who are disfellowshipped/disassociated and houselessness?

by Aaron Eldridge 20 Replies latest jw friends

  • brizzzy
    brizzzy

    In my experience, the police, social workers, and school officials all believed/sided with my parents.

    When I was younger (about 10) my elementary school called social services when I came in to school bruised and bleeding all over from a beating. A social worker visited ONCE and then came by for a second and final visit to tell my parents that she was closing the case and believed it to have been an "isolated incident".

    Then I was twice physically grabbed by the hair and dragged out into the street at 15 and 17 and told never to come back (school friends took me in those times). I continued attending high school and getting good grades. I made school officials aware of my situation, but they didn't want to be involved in that can of worms and turned a blind eye, encouraging me to go back. Within a couple of months, my parents sent the police to bring me back, saying that I was a "runaway" (I wasn't) and denying throwing me out. I told them the real story, which was corroborated by the people putting me up, but the police just told me I had two choices: To go back with my parents, or to go to juvenile hall, "where I would find out what real hell was like" (police officer's words, not mine). He showed me zero compassion and treated me like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum, rather than a desperate and terrified abused teen.

    And then at 23 I moved back in with my mother for a very short stint, as I lost my job in the recession and had nowhere to go. The caveat she gave me was that I had to go to the meetings. I faked it for almost two months, as best as I could, for survival's sake, but what can I say...I'm a terrible liar. I was thrown out with only a couple of days' notice and nowhere to go, and ended up living out of a vehicle in a parking lot for 9 months, and in what was basically a converted shed in the desert for another year and a half.

    There's a reason that parents can get away with this stuff. Very few people actually care about kids or view them as real people rather than an extension of their parents. It often has to get insanely bad before anybody is willing to take action, and often troubled teens are viewed as little brats just acting out of rebellion, rather than a human being with a legitimate problem. It's been my experience that adults in an authority position are usually far more likely to take the parent's side and believe the parent's version of events. And many JW parents are experts at turning on the waterworks and playing the martyr card..."We're just a good, helpless, loving Christian family cursed with a selfish, disobedient, ungrateful son/daughter!" It's bullshit, but effective.

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    " And many JW parents are experts at turning on the waterworks and playing the martyr card..."We're just a good, helpless, loving Christian family cursed with a selfish, disobedient, ungrateful son/daughter!" It's bullshit, but effective."

    Hell, my mother still does that and I'm 46. And she wonders why I don't have much to do with her.

  • Dogpatch
    Dogpatch

    Great advice from all so far!

    Brizzzy and Ziddina, you are priceless. Please think about getting involved in the site, which will be called 13Seconds.org. It will be advertised on the front of the Free Minds site. I am projecting about 3-6 months to get going, as I have to hire someone to build the site. The new technologies of smart phones, Facebook, blog management and keeping it all running is just out of my league. It may be based on html5 (Apple products can't use many older sites with 5 year-old architecture). And Joomla sucks as far as I'm concerned.

    As far as a literal halfway house, you have no idea what you would be getting into. You need an army of volunteers and lots of cash, which means not only big donors but very large GRANTS from companies and governments. And companies and governments don't give to causes that could hurt their reputation. The new AJWRB is an exception... it is non-judgmental and purely there to save lives HERE and NOW. But then you have to hire an excellent fundraiser to keep afloat. Then local laws will kill you.

    I was assistant pastor of Hope Chapel Venice (Calif.) for a year because my licensed pastor buddy asked me to go with him. We had the grunge of Venice in the early 80s come to our church, which met in a school on Abbot Kinney blvd, which is still there. We tried very hard to start a halfway house, but we found out that most homeless people will just go back out on the streets, and will not follow "rules" like having to go to church or go through some 12-step program. You will spend a very large amount of money keeping it going, with no financial return, plenty of neighbor objections, and local laws used to try and shut you down.

    Venice is cleaned up now and trendy, and tolerates the homeless as does Santa Monica. Uhnfortunately, most of them will die as you see them. Nevertheless, we bought the braindead deadheads and acid freaks and lost pregnant mothers breakfast on the Strand. It was and really still is a sad place, but by getting trendy it just pushes the homeless elsewhere. Not many places left for them in Los Angeles, except to form "camps" in undesirable, dangerous places.

    You will soon learn what you CAN do and what you are just not able to do for them. But you're talking megabucks, political opposition, legal liabilities, attorneys and a lot of mellow volunteers. Not in California's agenda anymore, if it ever was. So you won't get much help from anyone once you make it beyond a year.

    Local support groups are good. Try that first.

    Or, come check us out and see if you have a place. People of all backgrounds will have their own little niches, and verbal or other abuse will not be tolerated. Fragile people need a hand in their hand, not across their face.

    Think about it in the meantime. We wil need several people as moderators, a web administrator, and good PR to get the funds we need, which are far less than a literal house would need. It's not the next best thing to a literal halfway house, but much better. People networking with others like themselves to change the world a step at a time.

    Please step out and take interest. More soon.

    Randy Watters

    www.freeminds.org

  • brizzzy
    brizzzy

    *OK, abbreviated standard soapbox speech!* I am an advocate for the homeless and work with them on a fairly regular basis, give talks at homeless shelters and conferences, etc. Volunteer work, shelters, soup kitchens, etc. are important as an interim "band-aid" type solution and can definitely make a difference to at least a handful of homeless people, but the problem is growing and there are several (very valid) reasons why many homeless "choose" the streets over shelters (http://www.socialoutcast.net/blog/2009/03/24/10-reasons-why-homeless-people-choose-to-be-homeless/). There are also very finite limits as to the number of shelters/halfway houses and the number of homeless people they are allowed to take in (often they are also only allowed to accept applicants who meet very limited criteria, as well).

    There are SO many reasons behind homelessness and it really can't be pinned down to one cause, such as addiction, mental illness, laziness, or an attitude problem (i.e., "they just don't want to follow rules!") A huge part of what I do each day is just trying to change the public's perception of homelessness, who is homeless, and what exactly the word means - showing them the faces and stories behind the label. Until a lot of the negative stereotypes and stigma can be rooted out, the general public reaction will continue to be apathy ("Why should I care?") or outright hostility ("they DESERVE to be homeless! They just don't want to help themselves! They just want handouts and to sponge off my taxpayer money!")

    While I encourage volunteer work and will give homeless people money or food when I have it to give (as I am all for making even a small one-time difference to a single homeless person if possible), I always try to remind people that these are temporary, "band-aid" solutions and treat the symptom, not the disease. Which is why it is paramount to attack the root cause of homelessness by pushing to institute and support legislation that will provide affordable, sustainable housing for all. A lot of other countries (i.e, parts of Europe, Canada, etc.) have vastly improved, if not perfect, approaches to counteracting homelessness, versus the U.S.A.'s approach. It's really important to take a look at what is working in those countries and try to get those policies instituted here as well.

  • Dogpatch
    Dogpatch

    Yes Brizzzy,

    Our country's "unwritten" policy on the homeless is rather shameful. Kudos to you for making a difference!

    Randy

  • brizzzy
    brizzzy

    Thanks! I try my best, even if there's little I can do as a single person. It burns me up how homelessness and poverty have been criminalized here in the U.S.

  • ziddina
    ziddina

    Wow, Brizzy, what a horrible experience!!

    In my opinion, the biggest problem is the belief that children are the "property" of their parents... Even though a great deal of progress has been made in this area, those old attitudes still hold sway. That's still deeply entrenched in Western civilization....

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    As to the idea of a "halfway house" - ideally, the BEST thing to do, would be to catch the young JWs just as they're being "kicked out" - but how to accomplish THAT, I have NO idea....

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    Now, between you and me, I would TOTALLY resist the idea of having "rules" to "follow",

    " like having to go to church or go through some 12-step program. ..." Dogpatch

    If I were a kid just leaving a cult - even if I were forcibly being evicted - the idea of having to go through yet ANOTHER set of "rules" - ESPECIALLY "HAVING" to go to church - would drive me right up the WALL!!! It would echo the abuse I was trying to get my head past...

    Advertising... Advertising the website, "halfway house", multi-stepped "escape" plan - whatever...

    I'm going to throw some ideas out here; not that any of them might actually WORK - I'm just thinking out loud or brainstorming or yammering to hear myself talk...

    What venue would be the best?

    Would JW kids coming from an extremely controlling JW family be inclined to look for help by:

    Looking online...?

    Twittering...?

    Radio ads...?

    School newspapers...?

    I'd guess radio - the "teen" stations - might be the best route to go - many of those ads can be purchased at a fairly reasonable price...

    It would have to be on radio stations that the parents wouldn't pick up on, under normal circumstances... Ads that get the message across without being TOO specific. And having said that, expect to get a lot of kids from OTHER high-control religions showing up, too...

    Another idea - does Twitter accept public-service announcements?? Do JW kids Twitter, especially the ones at greatest risk??

    I see that the "halfway house" idea might involve a LOT of red tape. Too bad we can't start an "underground railroad" for mistreated JW kids - get them to sponsors or non-JW relatives - but as Brizzzy's experience shows, the law would tend to side with the abusive parents...

    Of course, the Watchtower Corporation would go absolutely nuts if a successful "halfway house" or other forms of support managed to assist these kids. I can hear it now - they'd be screaming about "child abductions so that the children can be 'indoctrinated' in 'worldly' thinking...."

  • C6H12O6
    C6H12O6

    I knew someone who dealt with this by joining the army. His family hasn't contacted him in years.

  • Band on the Run
    Band on the Run

    I worked for the homeless giving referals and hosting church shelters. My advice would be to try a church shelter if any are available. Word of mouth is important. I lived too close to the Men's Shelter in NY. Many people prefer the streetss. If I had to be alone all night, I would stake out territory in the wealthiest part of town. The doormen and police chase homeless people around but there are always pockets in good neighborhoods.

    The St. Vincent de Paul Society helped me in a crisis. I asked my Episcopal church for help and will never grace its doors again. Unkown to the priest, St. Vincent de Paul visited me. I was crying so hard about the way I was treated rather than a specific donation. It was as though Jesus of Nazareth knocked on my door and came in to my home. The contrast was so great. I felt bad about seeking their help b/c I am not Catholic and I had a home parish.

    What would Jesus do? St. Vincent de Paul. Guess who has a new home parish?

  • ziddina
    ziddina

    Yes, if I were in that situation, the first thing I'd do is ask around at ALL the churches for help - and I'm an atheist.

    I do admire people who ARE trying to follow an ideal "Christian" behavior - not that most people succeed, but at least one might find a safe refuge with some of them.

    Just watch out for certain Catholic priests...

    Unfortunately, the brainwashing that most JW kids undergo, prevents them from seeking help at "Babylon the Great's" door... I am often astounded and infuriated at how effectively the Watchtower Corporation isolates its members from any form of help or assistance...

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